Reverse curse

Apparently, Jose Guillen took issue with winning the Jeremiah Wright Award for April (with one day still left to go in the month, for crying out loud). We predict this award is going to be like getting on the cover of Sports Illustrated, only it's a reverse curse. Anyway, this is going to be a short post. We've got to be in non-productive meetings all day, and it's time to get back to work for the American people.

Jose Guillen: We damn thee!

The Jeremiah Wright Award is a monthly award bestowed on the individual player who is having the biggest impact in terms of KILLING the Royals chances. Obviously, the Jeremiah Wright Award for April should go to Tony Pena Jr. But we promised we weren't going to bash TPJ for a week, so we're going to have to give the award to Jose Guillen. Way to go Jose!

Anyway, judging from the pitching matchups, tonight's game in Texas should be one of those typical AL 9-7 affairs. Maybe our offense will finally start to heat up.

For the time being, this is the lineup we'd like to see:

Callaspo
German
Dejesus
Butler
Gordon
Guillen
Teahen
Olivo
Buck

Tony Pena Jr. hits the triples that make the young girls cry

We didn't go to Saturday's game with crazy ex-brother-in-law because, get this, he took his wife to see Barry Manilow at the Sprint Center. Instead, we went with crazy real brother. We had to pick him up at some kind of beer festival in Parkville, and he was worried that he wouldn't be in game shape. The fans in our section can testify that he was indeed in rare game shape.

The new scoreboard is right up there with the stealth bomber when it comes to specific things that make us proud to be Americans, things we would gladly pay even more taxes for.

A funny thing happened at The K Saturday night: Tony Pena Jr. ripped a long line drive over the outstretched glove of a Blue Jays outfielder in deep left-center. Deep. We told our crazy brother that, if this keeps up, TPJ could soon be the Royals new clean-up hitter. Of course, then TPJ immediately got thrown out at the plate trying to score on a grounder.

But we're not going to say anything bad about TPJ for a week, no matter how much he sucks and how much we want to bash him. He also made an amazing defensive play to save Saturday's game, the one where he threw the guy out at first from his knees.

Jose Guillen hit a bomb.

Our brother has a customized rhyming chant for most of the Royals. For instance, "Jose Guillen! He ain't worth $36 meellion!" Our favorite over the years was "Tony Graffanino! Drives an El Camino! All the way to Reno!"

Something in the way

We thought the Royals would be immune to long losing streaks this year due to good pitching. We were wrong. As punishment, we're still planning on going to the game Saturday. God help us. Maybe the Royals will steal a run or score a base. Something. We probably won't be back until some time Monday. In the interim, remember that it's OK to eat fish because they don't have any feelings.

P.S. GregA from the Royals Corner forum cracked us up yesterday. To wit:

Aliens on Alpha Centuri who have never heard of baseball know that Tony Pena Jr. sucks. Without even the benefit of abducting him for an anal probe, they know he sucks.

In search of a serious slump buster

Let's play two.

The R's need some Big Inning Mo Jo. Somebody sacrifice some chickens or something. Quick, somebody sleep with a fat chick -- we're begging you. We know you'll do it if you're a true patriot and a Royals fan.

We've got to go back to writing boring stuff for real money for the rest of the day. We've got to raise some gas money, and our prices are going up. Lots of folks won't fully realize this until the trucking companies have to start paying $6 per gallon for diesel, but we're eventually (maybe soon) going to reach a critical mass where escalating gas prices set off a chain reaction of economic destruction. We're tickling the tail of the dragon, people. (And for every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction.)

We recommend trying algae.

We also recommend that the Chiefs trade down and then draft (in rounds one, two and three) Brian Brohm, Jordy Nelson, Quentin Groves, a cornerback, and several Big Corn-Eatin Offensive Linemen.

P.S. If you want to read some other stuff we've written (in which case, there would definitely be something seriously wrong with you), here's some non-fiction and here's some fiction.

Dubya vs. Selig

We all know that George's dream was to be Baseball Comissioner -- and, oh, but that this were only a bizarro world and Dubya had realized his ultimate ambition.

Can you imagine if, in that bizarro world, Bud Selig was president? It would be like a Philip K. Dick novel. David Glass could be the vice president who runs foreign policy according to his business interests. Classic.

It ain't pretty

The Royals showed a lot of grit but couldn't quite get it done in last night's 15-1 loss to the Indians.

If Gil Meche's 8.0 ERA was a New Madrid earthquake, it would be ringing church bells in Boston right now.

We like Gil, but for now he's got to be on the Big Donkey Shit List, along with the following:

Yabuta (If there's one thing he's good at, it's throwing gas on a fire)
Guillen (Too bad his suspension got overturned)
Teahen (Come on Moneyball, we're tired of the strikeouts)
TPJ (One hit last night brings the average up to .132)

The guy who we thought was going to be Big Donkeys' No. 1 Jackass, Brett Tomko, goes tonight. Thus far, Tomko has stayed out of our Donkey Shed.

We are not interested in suffering through another losing April and another long season of futility. We think things are looking up in general, but we're tired of talk about the future. It's time right now to nip this losing streak in the bud.