Zen and the art of cleaning carp

We don't feel like talking about the Royals at all...

C'mon, Scott McClellan didn't write anything that we don't already know. Geez, he was a PR guy -- OF COURSE he didn't believe the crap he was defending.

Everybody's writing a book. We hear Larry Craig's memoir is due out next year. That's not the kind of thing you'd want to display proudly on your bookshelf next to Profiles in Courage and The Greatest Generation.

Obama's actually written a few good books. The man can write.

Obama went to a black church because it was important to him to get at least some street cred. But he's still an elitist who knows about as much about the black church as he knows about cleaning a carp.

We do like the spirit of the Black Church. It's really much more interesting and refreshing than the Mega Church where the white Republican pastor is always so boring, in spite of the fact that he's always so gay.

BIG news

We just learned that Billy Butler has been sent down to Omaha. We're glad that we don't have Butler on our fantasy baseball team (mostly because we don't have a fantasy baseball team) and that we didn't name a blog after him or anything like that. Fare thee well in Nebraska, Big Honky Donkey. See you as soon as you learn to pull that inside pitch with authority and start kicking ass again.

Oh, and Aviles got called up. Can he actually play SS?

@#*!&%^@!

Well, that was one of the worst losses in Royals history (and there have been lots of them). But something important happened after the game. Jose Guillen said (and we're paraphrasing) that he's not going to take this fucking crap and that all of the fucking babies on the team who don't give a fuck about winning can take a flying fuck to the moooooooon! Jose Guillen is the fucking man. You don't know how fucking long we've been waiting for a fucking Royal to go the fuck off like that. Fucking great! We feel better. Go Royals!

P.S. Hal McRae's ashtray tirade aside, the best Fuck You moment in Royals history was when George Brett beat the shit out of that Yankee at third base just because he was George Fucking Brett. He rarely needed to go off on the media with F-bombs. He was an F-bomb on the fucking field.

P.P.S. If you haven't already read Joe Posnanski's take on last night's game, it's another instant classic.

We like winning better than losing

And losing and losing and losing. And so on.

Our impressions of last night's game:

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, YES, blah, blah, blah...CRAP.

We don't owe our lack of success to nobody

We’re done with the vacation and back at work for the American people. Today we’re writing a story about ethanol, which used to be known as snake oil.

Believe it or not, we don't think the Royals have bad plate discipline as a team (necessarily). It's just that opposing pitchers know they can throw the ball down the middle all day because nobody is going to hit it very hard.

We are thinking about reinstating our threat to sue the Royals for causing us emotional damage and severe depression all summer long. Our case, as it was conceived years ago, is built entirely on gross negligence. During the Dan Glass, Tony Muser, Tony Pena, Allard Baird, David Glass and Buddy Bell years, we’re pretty sure it was a STRONG case. And, trust us, we had DAMAGES that we could have proven in court. We’re not so sure that we could prove gross negligence this year, but we’re pretty confident that the Royals are really gross right now.

Here are some useful quotes from Catch-22 today. We don't know why you would find them useful, but maybe you'll find them either pertinent, poignant or funny.

-- "General Peckem even recommends that we send our men into combat in full-dress uniform so they'll make a good impression on the enemy when they're shot down."

-- He was a self-made man who owed his lack of success to nobody.

-- "While none of the work we do is very important, it is important that we do a great deal of it."

Beef on bun or short ends?

Getting swept by the BoSox in a four game series sucks. What doesn't suck is getting a special delivery of Gates' ribs from Kansas City. We can't fathom why anyone would EVER eat non-Kansas City BBQ made by white people. It just boggles the mind. Well, this next four-game series in Toronto is huge. The Royals could finally dig themselves that annual hole that's too big to climb out of. Or they could take 3-of-4from the Blue Jays and still feel pretty good about things.

Brian Bannister better do a lot of thinking between now and his next start. Or maybe he should try to stop thinking so much.

Has Mark Teahen now held down every position on the field where offense is supposed to be important?

Jose Guillen is starting to look like he really is worth that $36 million.

How bad would the Royals run production be if DM wouldn't have signed Guillen and Olivo last off-season?

We never thought we would be more worried about Billy Butler's bat than his glove.

What do you usually order when you go to Gates? Do you actually prefer another KC BBQ place? We've heard lots of talk about some of the other places, and we've been to most of them, but we still like Gates. And Oklahoma Joes.

P.S. Even though the Royals have been playing bad this week, our vacation has been good for the soul. Yesterday, we grilled brats at noon, drank beer, and taught some of the neighborhood women how to throw a curve ball.

P.P.S. Now it's back to the ribs.

Where have you gone, Mark Teahen?

Real quick -- more in-depth donkey analysis of this stuff next week, but Mark Teahen sucks and Billy Butler is a punch-and-Judy hitter. We are very disappointed, and we're not going to keep quiet about this shit. You'd think Teahen would be able to get it; you'd think he'd have a chip on his shoulder by now. He's got the talent, obviously, but it's becoming apparent that he's a bust. If people on the internet calling him Martha don't give him the requisite chip on his shoulder that he NEEDS to play with, then he's DONE. And we are very, very worried right now about the Big Honky. More later, certainly by next week.

We miss you, Moneyball. That was a really fine seven weeks you put together a few years ago.