Reverse curse

Apparently, Jose Guillen took issue with winning the Jeremiah Wright Award for April (with one day still left to go in the month, for crying out loud). We predict this award is going to be like getting on the cover of Sports Illustrated, only it's a reverse curse. Anyway, this is going to be a short post. We've got to be in non-productive meetings all day, and it's time to get back to work for the American people.

Jose Guillen: We damn thee!

The Jeremiah Wright Award is a monthly award bestowed on the individual player who is having the biggest impact in terms of KILLING the Royals chances. Obviously, the Jeremiah Wright Award for April should go to Tony Pena Jr. But we promised we weren't going to bash TPJ for a week, so we're going to have to give the award to Jose Guillen. Way to go Jose!

Anyway, judging from the pitching matchups, tonight's game in Texas should be one of those typical AL 9-7 affairs. Maybe our offense will finally start to heat up.

For the time being, this is the lineup we'd like to see:

Callaspo
German
Dejesus
Butler
Gordon
Guillen
Teahen
Olivo
Buck

Tony Pena Jr. hits the triples that make the young girls cry

We didn't go to Saturday's game with crazy ex-brother-in-law because, get this, he took his wife to see Barry Manilow at the Sprint Center. Instead, we went with crazy real brother. We had to pick him up at some kind of beer festival in Parkville, and he was worried that he wouldn't be in game shape. The fans in our section can testify that he was indeed in rare game shape.

The new scoreboard is right up there with the stealth bomber when it comes to specific things that make us proud to be Americans, things we would gladly pay even more taxes for.

A funny thing happened at The K Saturday night: Tony Pena Jr. ripped a long line drive over the outstretched glove of a Blue Jays outfielder in deep left-center. Deep. We told our crazy brother that, if this keeps up, TPJ could soon be the Royals new clean-up hitter. Of course, then TPJ immediately got thrown out at the plate trying to score on a grounder.

But we're not going to say anything bad about TPJ for a week, no matter how much he sucks and how much we want to bash him. He also made an amazing defensive play to save Saturday's game, the one where he threw the guy out at first from his knees.

Jose Guillen hit a bomb.

Our brother has a customized rhyming chant for most of the Royals. For instance, "Jose Guillen! He ain't worth $36 meellion!" Our favorite over the years was "Tony Graffanino! Drives an El Camino! All the way to Reno!"

Something in the way

We thought the Royals would be immune to long losing streaks this year due to good pitching. We were wrong. As punishment, we're still planning on going to the game Saturday. God help us. Maybe the Royals will steal a run or score a base. Something. We probably won't be back until some time Monday. In the interim, remember that it's OK to eat fish because they don't have any feelings.

P.S. GregA from the Royals Corner forum cracked us up yesterday. To wit:

Aliens on Alpha Centuri who have never heard of baseball know that Tony Pena Jr. sucks. Without even the benefit of abducting him for an anal probe, they know he sucks.

In search of a serious slump buster

Let's play two.

The R's need some Big Inning Mo Jo. Somebody sacrifice some chickens or something. Quick, somebody sleep with a fat chick -- we're begging you. We know you'll do it if you're a true patriot and a Royals fan.

We've got to go back to writing boring stuff for real money for the rest of the day. We've got to raise some gas money, and our prices are going up. Lots of folks won't fully realize this until the trucking companies have to start paying $6 per gallon for diesel, but we're eventually (maybe soon) going to reach a critical mass where escalating gas prices set off a chain reaction of economic destruction. We're tickling the tail of the dragon, people. (And for every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction.)

We recommend trying algae.

We also recommend that the Chiefs trade down and then draft (in rounds one, two and three) Brian Brohm, Jordy Nelson, Quentin Groves, a cornerback, and several Big Corn-Eatin Offensive Linemen.

P.S. If you want to read some other stuff we've written (in which case, there would definitely be something seriously wrong with you), here's some non-fiction and here's some fiction.

Dubya vs. Selig

We all know that George's dream was to be Baseball Comissioner -- and, oh, but that this were only a bizarro world and Dubya had realized his ultimate ambition.

Can you imagine if, in that bizarro world, Bud Selig was president? It would be like a Philip K. Dick novel. David Glass could be the vice president who runs foreign policy according to his business interests. Classic.

It ain't pretty

The Royals showed a lot of grit but couldn't quite get it done in last night's 15-1 loss to the Indians.

If Gil Meche's 8.0 ERA was a New Madrid earthquake, it would be ringing church bells in Boston right now.

We like Gil, but for now he's got to be on the Big Donkey Shit List, along with the following:

Yabuta (If there's one thing he's good at, it's throwing gas on a fire)
Guillen (Too bad his suspension got overturned)
Teahen (Come on Moneyball, we're tired of the strikeouts)
TPJ (One hit last night brings the average up to .132)

The guy who we thought was going to be Big Donkeys' No. 1 Jackass, Brett Tomko, goes tonight. Thus far, Tomko has stayed out of our Donkey Shed.

We are not interested in suffering through another losing April and another long season of futility. We think things are looking up in general, but we're tired of talk about the future. It's time right now to nip this losing streak in the bud.

Our M.O. for tonight's game

Tonight will be the first time in like two weeks that we get to do our favorite thing in the world, which is to sit down in front of the radio and listen to Denny call a home game. The weather should be good, and it's about time for the bats to break out early and often, even though Big C.C. is on the hill for the Indians. We're expecting a Big Game tonight from the Big Donkey, and Gilgameche should be up for a good battle too. While we're listening to the game, we like to "keep score" on a big piece of white watercolor "canvas" (in pencil, of course), according to a complex system of communist and sanskrit symbols and letters from the Greek alphabet. We keep track of everything, including how many times Denny uses the latin acronym M.O. This important paperwork is mostly fueled by cheap scotch. We're supposed to be grading papers, but we have our priorities in order. Go Royals!

Kill the man with the ball

Yes, we've noticed that the Cardinals are off to a hot start against horrible NL competition. We're not going to mention them again until they start losing a lot.

We're not worried about Hochevar. He's going to be good. The rotation is practically set; it's been a long time since we could even think about saying that.

We're officially proclaiming this Big Tuesday. There's a lot on our minds.

Did you ever play Kill The Man With The Ball on the playground at school? Bet they don't get to play that game anymore.

The Royals are starting the inevitable early-season process of culling relievers. It seems like every team turns over about half its bullpen in the first few months of the season in order to find the right mix.

Jason Smith is batting .281 with 5 HR and 11 RBI in Omaha. (Oh yeah, he also has four errors.) Meanwhile, Callaspo looks pretty good, doesn't he?

Speaking of Platoon, we're firmly in the Elias camp. Though Tom Berenger did make some good points.

When we were a civilian contractor for the U.S. Army after Shock And Awe, we once took a picture of a guy getting a Purple Heart. He had half his face blown off, so we had to move to the other side of the room to get the shot.

We also heard a general refer to the Defense Secretary as Ronald Dumbsfeldt. Good times.

Another general who disagreed with the execution of the war got himself involuntarily retired. (He was separated from his wife, and the Army got some dirt on him having an affair.)

So it goes.

BTW, if you haven't seen this from Pat Tillman's brother, we think it's still pretty spot on.

Speaking of NFL football (not really, but we need to at least attempt a few transitions), the Chiefs plan for the upcoming season appears to be this: Suck really bad. If they had every-other-pick in this weekend's draft, they might be able to stockpile enough talent to compete in 2011.

If Royals Nation wouldn't have persisted in voicing its strong opinions about the way things were going, David Glass would have never been forced to spend some $$ and to hire Dayton Moore.

We made a phone call and scored free tickets to Saturday's game at The K. Now we've got to decide whether to go with degenerate best friend guy who will talk us into drinking too much, crazy ex-brother-in-law weed smoker guy, or old college friend who is conservative but laughs at all our jokes guy.

P.S. Have you seen this stuff where the teenage girls are beating the shit out of each other for no reason? WTF is going on? Maybe they're all emulating Lynndie England.

P.P.S. We know he's going to lose Pennsylvania today, but Big Donkeys is officially endorsing Barack Obama. From now on, it's going to be all about the Super Big Donkey Delegates.

Sink or swim

Well, maybe the Royals are going to tank before April is through after all. We guess it's time to sign Frank Thomas, now that Billy Butler is practically a Gold Glove firstbaseman. Big Donkeys could probably have all kinds of fun with Big Hurt/Big Skirt. Speaking of Big Donkeys, we're planning on going to Saturday's game against the Jays at The K. Our son has a swim meet in Topeka. Swim meets are more boring than an Obama-Clinton debate on health care, but we love our son and he's only the best 8-year-old swimmer in the Midwest.

We hope to get back in the swing of things with daily Royals stuff, now that we're back from Arkansas. We might even have video of a concrete canoe sinking.

From the heart of Hogland

We're presently on the road in Fayetteville, Arkansas, where it's always college football season and where the scenery is beautiful, the girls are lovely, and all of the buildings are named after pigs, chickens or Wal-Mart. We watched Wednesday night's Royals game, which was outstanding, thanks again to Ramirez, Nunez and Soria out of the pen. We didn't get to watch or listen to last night's game, which is just as well apparently. Trey "Whitey" Hillman is going to be a great manager for us (probably), but he's going to have to stop running the R's into out after out after out. There comes a time when you have to take your foot off the gas and pause to consider the wisdom and repercussions of your actions for a minute. Just ask George Dubya Bush, who will, of course, tell you to go fuck yourself.

So who's on the mound tonight? We're really out of the loop, but we assume it's back to Bannister. We're going to have to come up with one of those clever Spahn and Sain sayings for Bannister and Greinke... Bannister and Greinke, and then pray we don't stinky ?

P.S. Mark Moneyball Teahen has been impressive lately (or at least he was Wednesday).

Here's The Hogtanic, or as we now like to call it, The Hideo

We love this photo, mainly because the University of Arkansas called its concrete canoe "The Hogtanic" last year. Big Donkeys is headed to Fayetteville for this year's competition. We're taking the laptop with us, but we may or may not have Internet access. We're not sure how it works once you cross into Arkansas and leave the United States behind. Hopefully we'll be able to follow the Royals on the teevee or radio while we're down there. Regardless, we're going to score some good Thai food and check out that fantastic used bookstore they have downtown. We kid about Arkansas, but Fayetteville is nice.

Why in the hell was John Buck trying to steal during that fourth inning rally last night?

Trey Hillman has happy feet.

Those who listen on XM or watch other teams' broadcasts on TV know how unbelievably good Denny and even Ryan really are.

Trey is in love with Nomo, who sucks. And, speaking of Japanese fetishes, was that Yabuta making an appearance last night? (We had quit listening by then.)

This was the first loss that's on Hillman (and the pitching). It won't be the last. It's a tough job.

P.S. Here's Mizzou's canoe, which also sank last year.

Greinke's big night, Billy's big dinger, and introducing The Hogtanic

We were able to stay up for all nine innings of Greinke's complete game last night, thanks to just the right combination of scotch, water, Rock Star, orange juice and Klondike bars.

We think Greinke (The Artist) is learning some things about sandbagging from Bannister (The Thinker). Both of them seem to be conserving strike outs, saving them for when they're needed. Because sometimes it takes a lot of pitches to strike a guy out, people. Bannister is even on record (we think) as saying a walk isn't always a bad thing, especially if you get behind a good hitter. This neo-conservative approach to pitching makes us think of Mike MacDougal for some reason. Just think about how many pitches he wasted in the process of walking guys. He should have just hit them with the first pitch and gotten it over with.

We thought Greinke was supposed to be a fly ball pitcher.

Olivo!

Nice dinger by the Big Donkey. The only Billy Butler thing we were slightly concerned about was a lack of home runs thus far.

Butler even made a couple of successful throws to second base to get a lead runner (the hardest play for a 1B?) last night.

We just hope Billy doesn't hurt himself out there in the field.

If this keeps up, TPJ might hit .190 after all.

Those 9 p.m. PT Seattle traffic updates on the XM broadcast remind us of old times on I-5.

Should we post (or re-post) more boobs? (We've still only painted two paintings, four boobs, but we might have some different angles available.)

Regardless, we're going to post a photo of the University of Arkansas' concrete canoe capsizing at some point. Big Donkeys is headed to Fayetteville this week to cover concrete canoe racing, and we've got a classic photo from last year. The Arkansas canoe was appropriately named "The Hogtanic." We were planning on posting this photo at some point when it became clear that the Royals season was sunk. But since the 2008 Royals aren't going to go in the tank, we'll post The Hogtanic tomorrow just for fun.

Add another star to the flag

We like the idea of Butler starting at 1B on Sundays and against some left-handed pitchers (as long as nobody actually hits any hard balls toward 1B). And we actually don't mind the idea of Olivo DHing on those days. Go figure.

We're looking forward to Greinke's start tonight -- except we'll probably fall asleep in the third inning.

We don't really like Jose Guillen that much, but we bet he breaks out this week in Seattle, SoCal and Oakland.

We have finally come around on Iraq and now consider statehood the best option. It would be like officially having a new Alaska in the Middle East, only hotter with lots of improvised explosive devices and stuff. Anyway, Colin Powell was right: You break it, You own it. Forever.

P.S. Obama is exactly right too: People vote on issues like guns and gay marriage and flags and Jesus because they know none of the politicians is actually going to try to do anything about the real problems that voters don't really want to understand in the first place.

P.P.S. If Iraq really was like Alaska, we'd go there immediately and drink beers at The Brick and hit on Maggie O'Connell (even though her boyfriends never fared too well and one of them got hit by a satellite).

P.P.P.S. Speaking of Northern Exposure: Remember that time Chris decided to fling a cow but then found out it wasn't an original idea?

New. Powder Blue. Tradition.

OK. We're putting off talk of the powder blue curse for now. Bannister is impressive! Talk at you later.

New. Powder Blue. Curse.

Well, it’s not Tony Pena Junior’s fault that the Royals haven’t scored in two straight games.

Consider Saturday night the start of a New Powder Blue Curse.

Better burn those Big Donkey jerseys you got for free, just in case.

The thing about those powder blues is that they don’t look like the future, they don’t look retro, and they don’t really work in the present.

(What would the Astros rainbow uniforms look like if they modified them and brought them back?)

Baseball shouldn’t be played in weather below 40 degrees.

We really should have gone down to the Arkansas Derby this weekend.

This upcoming trip to the West Coast might be just what the meteorologist ordered.

The Royals are starting to look like, well, the Royals.

We still like Callaspo. He’s going to be a player.

The R’s need a win today, and everything will still be looking up.

Guns vs. Butter

So we were forced to go to Wal-Mart yesterday for the second time this week. Forced! We despise everybody who drives around the lot, looking for a place to park near the entrance. There are plenty of places in the far parking lot, and it's not that hard to walk. At least it shouldn't be. But 90 percent of the Americans at Wal-Mart are incredibly obese and have to use those motorized carts just to get around the store. Inside, that place is unfuckingbelievable. It's like a public zoo with the underbelly of humanity on full display.

The Royals lost last night (Thursday), but we wouldn't get too worried. Bale was OK. The game turned on the R's after the rain delay, German flubbed a double play, KC couldn't get any big hits, the bullpen wasn't great for a change. It happens. At least Butler had another hit.

To be honest, though, we are starting to get a little worried about the rest of the Royals offense.

DIAGNOSIS:

-- TPJ can't hit
-- The lineup's too left handed and doesn't have much power*
-- Guillen isn't hitting

*We suspect Buck and Olivo will ultimately supply above-average right-handed power at catcher

TREATMENT:

-- Send down/sit down Pena
-- Call up Jason Smith*
-- Institute a strict platoon with Smith and Callaspo at SS**
-- Call up Shealy to play 1B***
-- Dejesus in, Gathright to super bench outfielder status
-- Wait for Guillen to hit

* At least Smith already has 3 HR in Omaha
** Callaspo, a switch-hitter, can still spell Grudz at 2B also
*** Move Gload to the bench, may have to trade German to make room

(Yes, we know that we are sacrificing some defense here. It always comes down to guns versus butter, people.)

-- At the trade deadline, if the Royals are still in contention and Shealy hasn't magically become a big donkey, trade either Dejesus or Gathright and some good piece of livestock from the farm for a legitimate RH 1B who is a stud. And find a long-term SS if possible.

-- Pray Luke Hochevar emerges at some point and the rest of the pitching holds.

Don't call us trash

Here's the THING: The Royals are better than the Yankees. Believe it, and get used to it.

Greinke is our early favorite for Cy Young.

The rain psyched out Girardi and the Yanks, but the R's didn't flinch.

OK. So the Royals are using Garth Brooks to pump up the fans this year? You gotta be crapping us! Friends in low places? Come on. The purposes of communications are four-fold: to inform, to entertain, to persuade, to inspire. Most marketers completely leave out the inspire part and play to the lowest common denominator. Also, they play to boring WHITE people. We bet that's why the Royals aren't playing Earth, Wind and Fire. Somebody get Jeremiah Wright on the phone. If we're only going to play white music at The K, Big Donkeys suggests Big Smith:

You come to Nixa
The fuzz’ll fix ya
Yeah the Spokane cocaine it’ll six ya
Cause the redneck knows how the greenbacks flow
They got their bathtubs
dopin’ up the hicks, yeah

You outclass me
You look past me
You are certain your ideas will outlast me
But when the singing senator
Takes everything you’re in it for
You’ll wonder why you never thought to ask me

Don’t call me trash ’till you’ve slept in my trailer
’Till you've dug up my roots
’Till you’ve lived in my blues
A man that’s on wheels ain’t my notion of failure
So come to my trailer
You can see my tattoos.

Now THAT's inspiring.

P.S. Big Donkeys once had coffee with Joe Girardi and Andy Petitte in a greasy Seattle breakfast diner booth, and they couldn't have been nicer guys.

P.P.S. We liked this piece of descriptive writing from Royals Authority:

Seeing pieces of the crown that used to be on top of the scoreboard disassembled out beyond the wall in right field is kind of bizarre as well. Kind of like when Charlton Heston stumbled upon the Statue of Liberty in Planet of the Apes.

Just another day at The K

The Big Donkey had another two hits yesterday. Ho hum.

Alex Gordon is a high-maintenance super model. Billy Butler is a baseball slut.

Big Donkeys' brother was at the game. We listened on the radio. Said brother called several times from The K but he was drunk and we couldn't understand him. Something about Gathright being fast and the scoreboard being BIG.

Is it just us, or is that monstrosity of a scoreboard going to distract fans -- and players -- from the game? Maybe it will distract opposing players so much that the Royals will have an added home field advantage.

Nunez + Soria = Let's Groove.

Lot's of people wondered why the Royals signed Mahay when they already had Gobble. And Bale and Musser. The reasons are as follows: Mauer, Morneau, Thome, Cust, Matsui, Posada, Giambi, etc. Not every team is as right-handed as the Tigers.

Bob Davis should stick to the Jayhawks. Is he good at basketball? Football? Or is he just a familiar voice for KU fans to listen to while they're wallowing in their super-inflated senses of self-importance? Do KU fans also think Davis is good at doing Royals baseball? Just curious.

We'll pay every reader of this blog $1 if AROD doesn't hit a dinger off of Greinke today or Bale tomorrow. Having said that, we think Greinke's going to pitch a nice game.

Big Donkeys knows baseball. And THIS is a good TEAM, people.

So kick back, put the steal sign on, and enjoy some wins.

Opening Day at The K

Big Donkeys attended KSU and graduated from Mizzou, so this pains us to say: Congratulations to the Jayhawks for winning that basketball tournament some people have been talking about.

We sort of remember the last time KU won a national championship. We think it was Opening Day in KC and the Jayhawks and Sooners were playing in the title game later that night at Kemper. We were at the baseball game (probably), but we don't remember if the Royals won that day. We were really drunk at the time.

We admit readily that we have no idea what's going to happen today at The K. Go Bannister! May the balls in play find the gloves of our glorious fielders in bleach white and royal blue.

Incidentally, Big Donkeys proudly wears an orange, No. 13 Wichita Wranglers Zack Greinke T-shirt under our work attire.

If you're going to the game today, don't let the traffic, construction, etc., get you down. Just gawk in awe at the new scoreboard, take in deep snorts of air in a gloriously vain attempt to infiltrate your nostrils with particles of intricately manicured grass from the outfield, enjoy your $9 beer and try to ignore all of the stupid Yankees fans.

OK. Here come some non-baseball rants.

Would you be willing to pay 20 percent more for crap you don't really need at Wal-Mart if it meant better jobs in the U.S. and a better economy in general?

We need to get our global shit together. This energy crisis needs a "Go to the moon" call for action from the top. Immediately. George W. Bush, no matter what else he is or isn't, might be pathologically and criminally negligent. But at least Dick Cheney and 11 of his friends are getting really rich. And, hey, at least we fixed that New Orleans thing.

Godless power freaks like Putin and whoever runs China probably get down on their hands and knees every night and thank Jesus for giving them a stupid American president that was capable of squandering most of the U.S. leverage amassed in the last century.

And we don't think any of the other ass-kissing bandits running for president have the guts (Obama) or the intelligence (McCain) to solve the really big problems either. (We all know Hillary is just in it to win it for herself. Period. More than any other selfish rat-like humanoid to ever possess limitless ambition.)

By the way, you don't need to worry about global warming anymore. We don't have enough fossil fuels left to do much more damage to the environment.

Having said all THAT, we REALLY love BASEBALL. ROYALS BASEBALL.

P.S. Joe Borowski blows!

Jesus didn't want big donkeys to be speedsters

The Royals are coming home after a 4-2 road trip to start the season. We think these guys are going to be pretty good. It would be really nice to win the first home series against those guys from the Bronx.

According to Royals Review, the R's have gone 117 hitters without a walk. That is Penaesque. If Buddy Bell was still managing this team, we'd blame it all on him. But he's not, so we'll consider this an alarming anomaly for now.

How come guys like TPJ can't figure out that taking a walk ON OCCASION (not a lot, just once in a BLUE MOON) will enable them to play this game for BIG money for a lot longer. As it stands, and defense is still hugely important at SS, the Royals can't afford to give TPJ 500-plus at-bats.

The Tigers aren't looking so good.

The Twins probably aren't going to come very close to winning the division, but they should continue to be a difficult opponent. They still catch the ball and they've got a good bullpen, etc.

How many runs did Tomko give up yesterday? We told you he was gonna suck.

We're setting the over/under for the number of times Butler hits a ball off the wall AND gets thrown out at second trying to "stretch" it into a double at 15. But we still love the Big Donkey!

Butler could win a batting title this year. Would he be the slowest player to ever lead the league in hitting?

When do the Royals start playing the good teams?

Re: The Sweep: Nothing like taking a sharp hoe and putting some real pressure on the ugly neck of a snake in the grass in order to let him know he's DOOMED.

OK.

Here's the problem with predictions and statistical projection systems: They naturally rely too heavily on what's already happened in the past. That's why teams like Colorado last year and Detroit a few years ago take unexpected leaps forward, especially as young players are involved. These teams are called SURPRISES. But every year we have SURPRISE teams in all of the major sports and the NCAA Tournament. You can COUNT on SURPRISES. It's not very SURPRISING at all when a SURPRISE team surfaces. And the Royals do train in a town called SURPRISE.

History and geology are full of surprises. Pearl Harbor was a surprise. It was a surprise when Mount St. Helens blew as big as it blew, even though the damn thing had been smoking and generating small earthquakes for a long time. It was a surprise when we found out Dick Cheney shot that old guy in the face. It was a surprise when that BIG wooden horse had a bunch of guys stashed inside of it. We're pretty sure it was a surprise to scientists when the first Atom Bomb was actually detonated in the New Mexico desert, even though they had equations to tell them what to expect. It was actually a surprise to some people that a Category 4 hurricane could flood New Orleans. AND it was a surprise when the Detroit Tigers vaunted 2008 offense got stalled right out of the gate by bunch of guys with names like Meche, Bannister, Greinke, Nunez and Soria.

Most of these surprises are followed quickly by a quantum leap in understanding. That new level of understanding then becomes the basis for what causes us to be surprised by the next BIG thing that happens. Making serious predictions about largely unpredictable things is mostly a fool's game, unless you get paid for it. And usually the best signs of what's going to happen next are obscured by group think. But the signs are always there, if you care to have a little fool’s fun.

Potential surprise teams are always two or three years away from actually contending, until they actually do it. For now, the Royals are contending just fine. Next week, we'll go back to talking about them still being two or three years away. Maybe.

-30-

CONFESSION: Big Donkeys roots harder for the Artist Known as Zack Greinke and for Moneyball Mark Teahen than anyone else since Clint Hurdle. Yes, we named this blog after Billy Butler. But he's a sure thing.

ALEX GORDON, with his old fashioned home runs, is proving to be a BIG rally killer.

Keep working the count, Alex. We never doubted you.

P.S. The Tigers have tons of right-handed hitters. The best way to attack them is with strong right-handed pitching. Obviously, the Royals have had some strong right-handed pitching so far.

(PREDICTION ALERT: The economy is about ready to seriously tank. Better figure out that whole energy thing SOON.)

We mounted Jose Canseco's wife!

Bannister, Nunez and Soria had a no-hitter yesterday if you take Renteria out of the lineup.

Detroit spent at least $55 million more than the Royals to field yesterday's lineup and starting pitcher.

Our math might be way off. We majored in English at Mizzou.

I guess DM knew what he was doing when he traded Burgos for Bannister.

How BIG are two-out base hits with runners in scoring position?

Reminds us of 2003.

We know that there's no such thing as clutch hits, but we also know that you can't be any good without them.

Has any other manager in history filled out a lineup card that started like this: Gathright, Grudz, Gordon, Guillen? And don't forget about Gload. And Greinke and Gobble. And Glass.

That curve of Soria's is something.

Nunez is sick.

Would you rather have Milton Bradley right now or Leo Nunez?

Do you realize that, at some point this season, the Cardinals will have a battery of Todd Wellemeyer and Jason LaRue?

As much as we hate the Cardinals, we really like Rick Ankiel.

P.S. Yes, Big Donkeys confesses that we once grooved with Jose Canseco's wife.

You never count your money, when your sittin at the table

We think Banny's informed opinions about balls in play will be tested today against Detroit's lineup. But we still bet he out-smarts and out-pitches The Gambler.

Big news! Through extensive focus group testing, we have developed an official slogan for Big Donkeys' T-Shirts: "Royals Fans Do It Donkey-Style!" All rights reserved.

Also, we made the news in Kansas City (assuming you consider The Pitch's blog a news outlet).

UPDATE: The Royals did beat Kenny Rogers and the Tigers today. We could get used to this. The Big Donkey of the Day award goes to Brian Bannister (wow!). Of course, Billy Butler was his Big Donkey self today, too. No Jackass of the Day (but Alex Gordon needs to start protecting the plate, even if the umps do have it out for him).

You might be a Royals fan if

You have three cats named Amos, Otis and A.O.

You're excited to be in first place after one game.

You have actually contemplated the relative merits of stocking the outfield fountain pools at The K with largemouth bass.

You've ever sent Rob Neyer an email calling him a traitor.

You're still waiting for Dan Reichert to blossom into a Cy Young candidate.

You read dumb Royals blogs with pictures of boobs on them.

You once threatened to punch your dad for suggesting that Mark Teahen is never going to amount to much. Take it back, mother fucker!

You are haunted by the names Neifi and Angel.

You remember Joe Zdeb. Fondly.

You have an irrational hatred for the Cardinals.

You still think that Chuck Knoblauch signing could have been a good thing.

You once drunkenly "accosted" Paul Splittorff on a dark Seattle street by the King Dome, and he took it the wrong way.

You put your fist through the wall when Chris Chambliss hit that home run that one time...

And you were 7. Stupid Chambliss.

Grudz has grit

How cool is it that the Cardinals were ahead yesterday and the game got rained out?

We're setting the over/under on Cardinals wins when Pujols doesn't hit a HR at 12.

Grudz has grit.

Jose Guillen has a cannon.

Rany has a dream.

We told you that Gathright was going to get a lot of time in CF this year.

We can now officially project that this is the year Kenny Rogers starts the BIG decline that inevitably plagued his namesake. You gotta know when to fold 'em. Just ask Glen Campbell.

Will Shealy get called up in time to make the lineup less lefty tomorrow against Rogers?

We're still worried that Tomko's gonna suck.

We're also worried that it's going to take some time for the R's bullpen guys to settle into productive roles, Nunez's performance yesterday notwithstanding.

Was that a Denny Bautista sighting yesterday?

Do the Royals PR people have Earth, Wind and Fire ready to go yet?

More boobs here.