Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Big Donkeys Mailbag: the chickens have come home to roost

How do you feel about the Larry Johnson situation? -- Jose in KC

I think he should take it a step further and call out specific players, the coach and that Pioli guy for being fucking babies. Then I think he should keep sucking and get hurt.

What/who is most responsible for the current recession? -- Dave in Bentonville

The Great Recession was caused almost entirely by "best practices." Business schools teach them. Businesses adopt them. People consume them. Pretty soon, everybody's trying to do the same Power Point presentation, eat at the same restaurant, live in houses that look the same, and drive the same-looking SUVs. The country stagnates. People lose touch with what it means to live and think free. This has been getting increasingly worse, with futile interruptions of passionate resistance, since the 1950s. The chickens have come home to roost.

Is David Dejesus gay? -- an admiring fan

Probably. But there's not anything wrong with that.

What do you think about this whole stimulus deal? -- Jay in Jeff City

This stimulus stuff isn't creating near enough jobs. I don't think a whole lot of green jobs will ever be created. I support increased scientific research. I support wind and solar power (and nuclear), but c'mon. We need to exploit new ways to get at a lot of natural gas. We need to drill responsibly in Alaska and off our shores. We need to continue to develop hybrid technologies. But right now the focus has to be on jobs and the economy. Sure, we need better health care and, yes, the Arab world is a total clusterfuck...But those things aren't going to be resolved any time soon. In Missouri, I suggest using stimulus money to create a modern fast train network that transverses the I-70 and I-44 corridors. Engineers, contractors, and construction workers would have lots to do. New businesses would pop up along the routes (though some gas stations, etc., would suffer). Fewer people would drive and waste energy. Fewer people would die on the roads. Traffic would be eased. And so on. But, instead, we're giving out tons of minor grants to people who are researching obscure stuff that's probably never going to make a difference.

What do you hope to accomplish by climbing Mt. Sunflower? -- Sal in Salina

Personal glory.

How come you don't post any more boob paintings, and where are those T-shirts you promised? -- Larry in Licking

I ran out of paint and my paintbrushes are all gooked up and probably ruined. As far as the T-shirts and other things go, I am reminded of a call-and-response protest chant: "What do we want? Procrastination! When do we want it? Whenever you get around to it."

Is it true that you once worked for an Elvis impersonator? -- Bubba in Branson

Yes, that is very true. I still know all the words to "In the Ghetto."

Monday, October 26, 2009

Mailbag questions

I'm dying to do one of those mailbag posts where I answer questions from readers who can't wait for me to tell them what I think about various topics and issues, including but not limited to: Kyle Farnsworth's fastball, Lyle Lovett's hair, George Brett's bowels, Miguel Olivo's strikezone judgment, Billy Butler's off-season conditioning program, Alberto Callaspo's defensive wizardry, Marisa Tomei's beauty, Bob Davis's flairs, Obama's master plan, Bill Snyder's relationship with the media, Nebraska's propensity to fumble the football, Sluggrrrr's sex life, bass fishing, horse racing, states that begin with A, anything about string theory, Thai food...or whatever.

Of course, this will be difficult if nobody sends me any questions for Big Donkeys Mailbag (and, let's face it, this site isn't exactly what they call popular). Anyway, feel free to send questions to

P.S. I hardly ever check the Big Donkeys email.

P.P.S. If you don't send me any mailbag questions, I'm just going to make them up.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Would you trade Mark Teahen for Jack Cust?

Both are non-tender candidates (due to salary arbitration raises) but both are probably too valuable to non-tender. The A's could use a back-up/starting 3B and/or OF. They'll probably go with another DH. Cust is an absolute butcher in the field. But the Royals could DH Cust against all RH pitching and maybe use Callaspo as the DH at times when a lefty is on the mound.

Obviously, a Cust acquisition would mean the end of Jacobs. That would be good. Now, you need to figure out what in the hell to do with Guillen, get a CF and get a good RF. If only Milton Bradley didn't hate Ryan L. so much, and if only he could stay relatively healthy, and if only he just had one year instead of two left on his contract...Getting somebody of his ability for Guillen and somebody else would solve a lot of things. (I'd still trade Guillen for him no matter what.)

Then, of course, the Royals would still have to find a new catcher.

P.S. Methinks Luke Hochevar is going to end up being a good set-up man in the bullpen.

P.P.S. Mizzou sucks at football again. Go K-State!

P.P.P.S. There wasn't any Christian activism or pedophilia (as far as I know) at last weekend's Boy Scouts camp, but there was some borderline child abuse (not by me) and whiskey consumption out of a flask (guilty on this one).

Monday, October 12, 2009

The Cowboys and KC Texans, and other uniform notes

I'm sure this rant has been going on elsewhere...But you cannot, under any circumstances, have players on the professional football team in Kansas City wearing a picture of the state of Texas on their helmets. That is not fair to the fans or to people in Kansas City. They already have to endure this shitty football team. Don't make it worse with those insulting helmets.

As a matter of fact, it's high time that NFL teams stop wearing the retro uniforms. Period. They took that thing way too far and, yesterday, the Denver Broncos jumped the shark.

(I do like the old New England uniforms a lot better than the new ones. You know, with the red and blue guy hiking the football. But those uniforms aren't that old.)

Here's the thing. If I'm watching an NFL game, especially if I paid serious cash to be there, I want to be able to recognize that there are two professional football teams on the field. Jesus, the only way we really know who to root for is by the uniforms they're wearing. What if the U.S. Army suddenly decided it wanted to pay tribute to Revolutionary War veterans (from both sides)? They could dress like Minutemen in Iraq one week and Red Coats in Afghanistan the next.

You have to be able to easily recognize your team, or it just feels confusing and wrong. It's like when KISS took off the make-up. Bad idea. They already sucked as musicians, and now they didn't have an I.D. anymore.

The same thing applies to baseball uniforms. The Royals half-assed the powder blue deal, and it doesn't work. The Monarchs thing is nice once per year, but that's about all I want to see of it. And no red hats for any reason (unless it's a Monarchs thing).


1 - Toronto got the powder blue right.

2 - The all-time best sports uniform belonged to the old-school K-State Wildcats. That awful lavender and purple basketball getup was beautiful.

3 - Mizzou needs to incorporate a lot more puke gold in all of their sports uniforms. The yellow doesn't work.

4 - Do you remember the time the Royals played in futurama uniforms? I think they were playing Seattle. It was horrible.

5 - The KU football players look like sissies because they're wearing that gay "KU" basketball font on their helmets. They should insist on having a Jayhawk on their helmets. It's one of the most recognizable logos in college sports, for crying out loud. It looks great on a football helmet!

6 - I have a hard time accepting teams like the Tennesse Titans and the Houston Texans and the Carolina Panthers as NFL caliber -- just because the uniforms feel like they came from the USFL to me. Those teams could be the Memphis Showboats or the Birmingham Stallions for all I know.

P.S. If you order bulgogi, always go for the spicy.

P.P.S. If you're ever asked to volunteer extensively at a swim meet, don't.

Friday, October 9, 2009


Found among the comments to this:

I’ve never made the effort to post comments here – or on any other chat site – before, but this analysis was so pitch-perfect, and so important, that I felt compelled to register with sbnation just to say, great job, Will. (I see I’m not the only one.)

This article, in a nutshell, is why I’m taking a long break from blogging. And why, if and when I return, I’m going to have a lot less tolerance for the shit that Dayton and Trey are selling.

by Rany Jazayerli

What do you get when you cross a Pinkel with a Pelini?

Enjoyed the Mizzou game last night. For three quarters.

I can't stand Pinkel's running offense. Why not hand the ball off seven yards behind the line of scrimmage and then have your running back run sideways for another 11 yards before gaining any positive yardage?

Whatever happened to smashmouth football? The best way to deal with a torrential downpour and other acts of God, it seems to me, is to have a strong fullback who can run straight into the line and bust heads.

But, then, fullbacks have apparently been outlawed in football. And busting heads isn't legal anymore either.

That Suh guy would be the best player on the Chiefs right now.

Can't imagine what it would have felt like last night to be a big Mizzou fan AND a huge Cardtard.

Can you believe the quotes that keep coming out from Hillman and Moore? Those two are beyond defensive and clueless. I can't believe I ever had faith. There is no hope.

P.S. I can't stand Bo Pelini. He's even more of a dumbass than Hillman and Moore. But he overcompensates for it by being cocky.

P.P.S. I turn 40 next month. I'm thinking about going on the big Mount Sunflower expedition that I've been talking about for years. It's on the Bucket List.