Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Top 10 Hottest Female Voices Ever

This list was compiled a lot like the BCS rankings for college football. The method is complex, calculated, biased and completely arbitrary. Secret points have been given for things like strength of schedule and big wins. Also, white performers who were at their best between 1970 and 1990 have a distinct advantage for some reason. And all of the voices must belong to someone who is actually hot in general, hot in a weird way, or made hot by virtue of her unbelievable pipes.

1. Stevie Nicks -- Just like the white-winged dove...Stevie wins in a landslide
2. Sinead O'Connor -- Scary crazy, but check her out in the You Tube video below
3. Chrissie Hynde -- She's gonna make you notice
4. Carly Simon -- You probably think this list is about you, don't you?
5. Annie Lennox -- Powerful pro
6. Billie Holiday -- Classic
7. Linda Ronstandt -- Classic seventies
8. Joan Jett -- Put another dime in the jukebox
9. Aimee Mann -- Bonus points for singing on the Rush song "Time Stand Still"
10. Dolores O'Riordan -- Of The Cranberries; we like the Irish accent.

Also receiving votes: Belinda Carlisle (Go-Go girl), Tracy Chapman (Give us one reason she shouldn't be on this list), Madonna (Crazy For You was hot), That Hot Girl In The Bangles, Nina (99 Red Balloons), Sheena Easton (My Baby Takes The Morning Train), Pat Benatar, Geddy Lee, Natalie Merchant, Aretha Franklin, Janis Joplin, Kim Deal, B52s girls, Michelle Obama!, Michelle Shocked, Alison Krauss, Jose Lima's Wife, Edie Brickell, Indigo Girls, Veruca Salt girls, Eartha Kitt, Erin Fein, Debbie Harry.

P.S. Everybody loves lists. This is the kind of thing that should be on Yahoo's front page or in some magazine. You should really send a link to this post to a bunch of weirdos on the Internets.

Bonus! Check out this newcomer. OMG:


Monday, August 25, 2008

We got the yips

We're set to release the official Top 10 list of Hottest Female Voices Ever tomorrow. There's still time to make a suggestion (see comments thread in post below).

We have been telling everyone for years that we are the only dad who can pitch to the kids on our baseball team. Heck, most of our dads don't even know the rules. This is why it was especially embarrasing when we got the YIPS last week. We were pitching like Steve Sax. We struck out our son, hit the next batter, and then threw a series of wild pitches. So we had to be relieved.

We would like to blame our pitching problems on our long-damaged shoulder, but that would be too easy.

Funny story. Not long after seriously dislocating our shoulder, we found ourselves in bed with a real live girl. This was a shocking and happy development. Things were going along nicely, too, until our arm fell off. The young lady mistook our screams of pain for the kinds of animal noises some people are known to make during these kinds of activities. Being a people pleaser and possibly a cheerleader, this girl proceeded to throw herself into it with everything she had. We haven't been able to listen to John Couger's song "Hurt So Good" ever since. Anyway, after things got back to normal, we were able to get our shoulder back in its socket, which was a very happy ending.

P.S. You should NEVER, under ANY circumstances, eat a whole bag of dried apricots while driving from Springfield to Rolla. We had no idea what those things could do to you if eaten in large quantities.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Hottest Female Voices Ever

OK. The last post started something VERY important. It's time to figure out who the Hottest Female Voices Ever are. We have already nominated Stevie Nicks as the hottest. Here are some other good choices:

Sinead O'Connor
Chrissie Hynde
Natalie Merchant
Amiee Mann
Belinda Carlisle
Joan Jett

NOTE: This is obviously a white man's list.

So let's come up with a Top 10 ranking. Who are we missing? Again, this is VERY important work. Please leave us your suggestions.

Players only love you when they're playin

We started optimistic, then grew realistic, and now we're pessimistic. We're cashin it in -- resigned to another last-place finish. The players are only playing (badly) for themselves, and we blame Hillman. Who else are you going to blame at this point? This season, like many seasons past, can't get over soon enough. We are embarrassed. Again. Nothing much has changed.

Thunder only happens when it's raining.

If shitting the bed was an Olympic sport, the Royals would have more gold medals than Michael Phelps.

We don't want to hear about growing pains. Grow the fuck up, already.

It will be really interesting to see what the Royals do this off-season. We recommend replacing bad pitchers and hitters with good pitchers and hitters.

P.S. We have no idea what Fleetwood Mac could possibly have to do with this post or this blog. The song was just stuck in our head.

P.P.S. Stevie Nicks was the hottest girl ever when she was young, back in the seventies, when life was great. (Even the Royals were awesome.) And Stevie still has the hottest voice of all time.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Minor League Monsters

If you're bored and depressed (likely if you're reading this blog), check out available Triple-A talent that might add cheap power to the 2009 Kansas City Royals lineup here and here and here.

We've already got the first player; we'd have to go out and get the other two.

Monday, August 18, 2008

At least we still have TPJ Bobblehead Night to look forward to

Well, the Royals signed $10 million worth of new talent. So they should be pretty good in four or five years, right?

In the meantime, football season is upon us. We'll be rooting for K-State and Mizzou. We'll be rooting against Nebraska and Kansas, in that order.

On Sundays we'll be rooting for the Chiefs, even though they're going to suck. At least they should be more interesting this year than last.

Don't get us wrong, we loved the Royals draft -- we just wish the players could make an impact as fast as they can in the NFL.

So, anyway, your 2008 Kansas City Royals have been no-hit and they've given up back-to-back-to-back-to-back home runs. Those are your major highlights. When will the good times stop?

P.S. Turns out Brian Bannister was pretty luck last year. The Royals have two-and-a-half good starters: Meche, Greinke and ~ Hochevar.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

We're just sayin

Imagine if a Democrat president had

-- relied on false propaganda to start a war in the Middle East
-- mismanaged that war terribly
-- declared mission accomplished years ago
-- doubled-down repeatedly on failed policy (though the surge kinda worked after billions of additional dollars were spent)
-- presided over a collapse of the housing market and a huge increase in the price of gas
-- failed to respond with any curiosity or speed or competence to a major natural disaster
-- increased the deficit exponentially
-- mortgaged American power and standing in the world to the point where Russia thinks it's a super power again*
-- repeatedly suggested that those who don't agree with him are unpatriotic
-- stood by stupidly for eight years while the Kansas City Royals finished in last place something like seven times
-- approved a Wal-Mart strategy of drafting college seniors (like Aviles) and offering them $1,000 to sign, take it or leave it, while others in the same round were getting $100,000-plus
-- approved a Tony Pena Junior Bobble Head Night because nobody could have foreseen that TPJ wouldn't be the starting short stop come September.

Now imagine if Obama, like McCain, was saying things like "Speaking for ALL Americans...We are all Georgians"...and was bragging about talking to officials there every day...After criticizing his opponent for acting like he's already president.

Meanwhile, we're hearing that Obama, unlike McCain, doesn't put Americans first (because he's black/muslim/a terrorist/a celebrity).

What a bunch of horseshit. We're so sick of being painted as anti-American because we refuse to be scared by the scare tactics of the right and we're fed up with the politics of fear in general.

We probably deserve this. After all, we voted for President Gas Boy and his evil CEO VP the first time.

* Every thinking person on the planet with an interest in geo-politics saw the Russian thing coming except for GWB, who looked into Putin's eyes and declared him a God-fearin man. (KGB Putin couldn't believe his luck.)

Repeat after us -- We believe in The Iraq...Saving the whales in Africana...Such as...And world peace against evil-doers..and speaking English...and whatnot...Such as.

Next up: A rant on fake boobs (believe it or not, we're not big fans) and speedy guys who can't hit. Also, why we actually think Bill O'Reilly is more fair and balanced than most.

P.S. The only thing we have to fear is fear itself (and Alex Gordon or Mark Teahen coming up with runners on base and a lefty in the bullpen).

P.P.S. We drink beer and smoke cigarettes. Therefore, we are destined to fall in love with a hard-living convenience store girl who takes all of our money.

P.P.P.S. The Royals just lost 40-0. They probably won't score another run all year. It's all Bush's fault. Maybe McCain's.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Is baseball season over yet?

The Royals lost 29-0 to the Chisox last night. Who's pitching tonight? Oh, who are we kidding? We don't give a rip anymore. Unless a fight breaks out. We're still interested in brawls.

Did the Chiefs look pretty good last week or were we just dreaming that?

We really like The Helicopter out of Mizzou and some of the other mid-round draft picks. And that Sippio guy.

OK. Let's list some of the young third baseman who are better than Gordon at this point: Longoria (too bad about the wrist), Wright, Braun (he might be an outfielder now)...Anyway, those guys are much better than Gordon...And what if Aviles played 3B? Who do you think will have a better season next year, Gordon or Aviles? Seriously.

P.S. We went to an earthquake conference today. St. Louis is so screwed.

P.P.S. To be honest, we're actually looking forward to baseball's off-season (as always), and not just because that means football season has arrived. This winter, Dayton's either going to see his shadow or not. It's either going to be six more years of futility or next spring is going to be the start of something really nice. Or something like that. The Royals have actually taken a small step forward this year, or a big step, depending on how you look at it. This off-season is crucial. We need to find a big right-handed bat and another pitcher. We need to make key trades. Dayton needs to stop being infatuated with grit and defense and speed. We need to figure out if that big Hawaiian-Samoan guy in Omaha is the real deal. And so on.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Catching the bigger fish on the bigger worm

While the Royals and Tony Pena Jr. were storming back to claim victory over the mighty Twins in extra-innings, we were catching largemouths, smallmouths and goggle-eyes. A friend of ours also caught a catfish -- on a plastic worm thingy! We love the river and we love fishing in it. The proximity to streams is one big benefit of living in the Ozarks. Years ago, we used to wade and fish the river alone all of the time. There's something about the man versus fish quality of landing a nice one that nobody else will ever know about. But too many close encounters with snakes convinced us that we should stop wading and fishing alone. (Just noticed that part of this is starting to sound Freudian.) We're not worried about drowning or anything like that; we're just worried about the snakes. And what if we got hurt somehow or had a heart attack or something? And then there's the crazy drunk hillbillies that actually live down by the river and hunt people. So now we have to find someone to go fishing with our paranoid and possibly schizophrenic selves, and it has to be someone who understands bass and nature and jokes and doesn't act the fool or talk too much. (And we're not into fancy fly fishing, though we suppose it's OK for trout; we prefer ultra-lights, finesse lures and setting the hook like a man.) So we go fishing a lot less than we used to. But fortunately we still know a few people.

Just read on Mellinger's blog that Moose Tacos is supposed to be a better hitter than Alex Gordon with a better swing. Great. Now that Gordon and Butler aren't really living up to the hype (weren't they supposed to be pretty much can't miss super stars?) at least we still have Moose Tacos to look forward to. And then Hosmer. If he signs.

Why are the Twins consistently so much better than us? Answer: They make good trades and they always have a good manager.

Gordon really looks like shit and pisses us off when he strikes out. Same with Teahen, but we've pretty much given up on him.

P.S. And all this time we thought John Edwards was gay. Who knew?

P.P.S. Carlos Gomez plays like he's wearing roller skates.

P.P.P.S. We didn't see any snakes yesterday.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Observations while listening to last night's game

Butler fielding the baseball like it has fangs.

God bless Kansas City Life for advertising on Royals Radio for lo these many shitty years.

Whatever happened to Guys' Potato Chips?

Teahen's breaking our heart(s). We're washing our hands of him. Spit. Biggest bust since Hurdle. Guess Mark's now qualified to manage the Colorado Rockies. Wait. Mark just doubled home Aviles! Mark is the man!

Aviles with the first non-Grudz outfield blooper catch by a Royals middle infielder all year. And nobody collided!

Our neighbor is cooking shit that smells like soul food again. And she's white trash. Weird.

Teahen just struck out. We're done with him. DONE.

Hannity is a perfect example of why all educated people should be required to read at least one good satirical novel (we suggest Catch-22) and get exposed to some really funky music and/or funky sex with an art major during college. What a tool that Hannity is.

The stat-heads were pretty much right about Bannister.

It's all about Favre. He might be a bigger tool than Hannity.

OK. We obviously stopped listing to the Royals game and things have obviously gone all to hell.

Our ex-wife is actually checking her tire pressure every day based on this Obama drama. We live in interesting times.

Have you ever tried Vietnamese food (non-dog)? It's the worst! However, good Thai food is better than crack.

Now that BOTH of our (my) shoulders are all screwed up due to pseudo-sports injuries, we'd like to try to give McCain a hug. Try is the operative word. (In no way do we mean to seriously compare our pseudo-sports injuries to years of suffering in a Vietnamese torture prison, where prisoners were likely sujbected to Vietnamese food.)

Have you listened to popular hip hop music lately on the radio? It might be time to put the Taliban in charge of American culture for a while.

Whatever happened to Sec. of State Condoleeza Rice? Don't we still have a lot of shit going on in the world?

Yes, Bill Clinton understood that this is not a liberal country. Hence, school uniforms, etc. If you want to do progressive things like climate protection and energy replacements, you have to throw the PEOPLE some bones. Obama should do a certain amount of drilling and build that stupid fence between the U.S. and Mexico. If he did those two things, he could get away with leading an energy revolution, improving health care and ending the war in Iraq. This is exactly how Bush got his war in Iraq in the first place. He pretended like he hated homos and loved the baby Jesus.

Obama should have agreed to debate Old Potato Cheeks all summer long.

The fat is in the fire, McHope. (And this ain't no lean meat.) What you got?

P.S. If the Quotable Human Forehead (Carville) isn't available these days, we're under-employed and ready to serve.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Bam Bam

So this is Butler's new nickname, according to Rany. What do you guys think? Should we officially endorse it here? Actually, there for a while, we were starting to like Big Honky, but we were never really sure if it should be spelled honky or honkey.

Let's go Royals

Can Soria get away with throwing that big curve EVERY time he gets two strikes on a batter?

Don't look now, but it looks like Gordon and Butler are going to finish the season strong. Alex is going to make a nice living on turning walks into homers and homers into walks.

We're not sure exactly what's been going on with Alberto Callaspo, but it sounds like the term rehab assignment might have a double meaning. We hope he makes it back strong. He could be a big part of the plans next year.

Remember when it looked like the AL Central was going to be a beast division, what with Detroit and Cleveland having awesome teams and all? Now Detroit looks old. Cleveland looks like it's rebuilding (though we expect it to go well). Chicago traded the farm to contend (though we kind of admire the White Sox GM for continually going for it). And Minnesota can't continue to be this good year in and year out with young players (though the Twins manager must be the best in baseball). If the Royals and DM have a solid off-season, they should be a real contender by next season.

Speaking of the White Sox, it's just a matter of time until they totally implode under Ozzie Guillen.

P.S. Just imagine if Jose Guillen decides to take up managing after his playing days are over.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Two straight in the baby blues

Good to see the Royals get into a fight with somebody...Aviles must be the real deal...Guillen must have hit the snot out of that HR...Nice to have a guy like Greinke to root for (He's an underdog and he's really good)...How hot was it yesterday?...We were at a swim meet in Lenexa...Outside!...At least we got to go to Fric & Frac...Passed on the Gates this time, though...How good was our bullpen during that stretch last year when Greinke was setting up Soria who was setting up Dotel?...We need a summer vacation from our summer...We're not going anywhere until football season starts for real...Have you ever tried to drive from KC to Rolla?...Not fun...We sure do miss Pena's glove out there...That Butler kid can hit a little...How unexpected is this offensive outburst, given the fact that we've been facing lefties with Gload and Meier getting regular duty? (Goes to show what a drag guys like Pena and Gathright have been on the offense.) How much better could we be if, say, we replaced Gload and Teahen with a couple of guys (at least one of them right-handed) who can really hit?

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Saturday in-game notes

Too hot for Beuhrle (sp?). The strain was apparently more than he could bear (sp?).

Billy Butler is turning on pitches like he thinks he's a Big Donkey or something.

We have too many left-handed hitters.

That HR Thome hit was way way back there.

Hey, German just whacked one to drive in some more runs. This game is easy.

You have to hit a lot of homers (Butler, Guillen, Olivo) to keep up with the Chitowns.

And that's what we're talking about (despite the HR-fueled comeback by the HR Sox). Here's hoping for another balanced attack (and limited Hillman buzz killers) tomorrow.

Reminder to self: Get our Mexicutioner (sp?) shirt from our brother.

P.S. Jose Guillen doesn't strike us as the kind of guy who takes kindly to having the guy in front of him walked on purpose over and over.