Monday, September 29, 2008

Happy Great Depression II

So do you want the Tigers to win today? That means they'd tie the Royals in the standings. But it also means that Minnesota would win the division instead of the ChiSox. We are torn. We can't stand the ChiSox.

Congrats to the Milwaukees. C.C. Sabathia's arm is going to fall off after the season is over, though.

The Gil Meche doubters can go ahead and shut up. Given a few moves over the winter, the pitching staff should be in nice shape. If the Royals do sign a free agent starter, here's who we would suggest: Derek Lowe.

The Royals will have to be more creative, though, when it comes to bolstering the offense. It's probably going to require at least one risky trade.

Dayton knows pitching. Now it's time to prove he has the magic touch when it comes to targeting hitting.

P.S. Today is the last day before the Great Depression II hits in full force. We already stocked up on Ramen noodles. Seriously.

P.P.S. The Tigers-Chisox game is apparently rain delayed. Do you think they'll get it in before the Chinese assume control?

Friday, September 26, 2008

The United States of Generica

So there's been this email going around. Maybe you've seen it in your in-box. The email tries to show how every citizen over 18 could get something like $300,000 for the same money we're about to spend on this Wall Street fix. This would flood the housing markets with good money and pump tons of cash into Main Street and Wall Street. It sounds like a fantastic idea, especially when you consider how corrupt and inept congress and the business tycoons have been. Why not just give the money to us?

But what if almost everybody suddenly had $3000,000? Think about it for a minute...

The college kids would all quit school and smoke dope full time.

Nobody would be willing to do low-paying jobs for at least a few years.

Who would do labor?

Who would work fast food?

Who would tend bar?

Who would work at Wal-Mart?

The strippers would all quit!

The influx of illegal workers would be massive.

All of the rednecks would go out and buy huge trucks.

We would use up all of the remaining oil in two years.

Regular Americans would buy double or triple the crap they don't need.

There would be a Texas Roadhouse and an Applebee's on every corner, but nobody would be willing to work there for under 50 bucks an hour.

Regular Americans would get lazier, fatter, and dumber.

The old money crowd would get increasingly scared of the huge class of new money barbarians.

Massive inflation would happen.

The new money barbarians would spend all of their money and go broke.

Hello strippers again!

P.S. We recently got a line of credit from Washington Mutual, which failed yesterday. Does this mean we now don't have to pay back any of the money we spend?

P.P.S. Use the force tonight Obama. You are the last hope.

UPDATE: Apparently the email going around is wrong. Imagine that! Instead of $300,000, we'd each get about $425 bucks. That's almost enough money to go out to Arrowhead and watch the Chiefs lose.

The wizardry of Aviles

We now know that Mike Aviles is one of the better offensive shortstops in the league, but the statistics also show (apparently) that Aviles is one of the best defensive shortstops. Do you buy it?

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Every time you think you're out, they pull you back in

Remember back in Little League when coaches were always saying, "A walk's as good as a hit"? Turns out, it's true!

So we are actually interested in how the Royals are going to finish the season again. Greinke has already finished his year, and it was the kind of performance that elite starting pitchers put up over the course of a whole season.

This off-season is shaping up to be very, very interesting.

But we can't take our mind off the train wreck that is politics.

Sarah Palin is so woefully unprepared for media's a cruel, sad, scary joke. And John McCain's stunts are just getting more desperated and tired. He'll do anything. We fully expect him to announce that, in an effort to put America first, he's going to suspend his campaign for a week while he launches himself to the moon in order to recapture the American flag.

Meanwhile, Biden is a dog. He's usually a refreshingly honest, smart and loyal dog. But he also has a crazy tendency to shit in the middle of the yard.

But, yeah, we still like Barry. We've got a bumper sticker and everything. This is the first time we've ever put a candidate's bumper sticker on our car. And this one doesn't play very well in the Ozarks.

P.S. Depressions are always easier to weather when you're already broke.

P.P.S. Bush was predictably pathetic last night. Sometimes we feel sorry for him. Then we try to comprehend how much damage he's done. Boggles. The. Mind.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

One day at a time, sweet Jesus

Where have these Royals been for the past few months?

If the Royals trade Zack Greinke, we'll have a Big Donkey seizure.

So yesterday morning, we had a neck ache. We reached for some Tylenol on our desk, swallowed a pill, and then looked at the package. It was a Tylenol PM. We have no idea what Tylenol PM was doing on our desk. We got very tired. We had to cancel a class. We had to go home and take a long, unscheduled nap.

We are going to try very hard to get through today without doing something really stupid.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Keep on the sunny side

Batting average isn't the best baseball statistic in the world, but it's kind of nice to see these averages: Aviles (.319) and Dejesus (.307). And Callaspo's hitting .313.

Meanwhile, the Royals aren't totally without power. They still need a legitimate HR hitter, in addition to continued power development by young players, but Guillen has 20 HR, Gordon and Teahen have 15, Dejesus and Olivo have 12, Butler has 10, and Buck has 9. It's a start.

OK. The HR totals are still pitiful. But it looks like the days of Emil Brown being the biggest offensive threat in the lineup are over.

Greinke has an ERA of 3.59. He's given up less hits than innings pitched. And he has 179 strikeouts. Meche is at 4.05, less hits than innings pitched, and 176 strikeouts. R. Ramirez is at 2.67, less hits than innings pitched, and he averages 1 strikeout per inning. And you know all about Soria.

The long losing streaks are killers; they remind you how truly depressing it is to be a Royals fan. But, this year, we've also so seen some good stretches. And, if you look at it from a distance, this team is not just a little better than previous Royals teams. It's quite a bit better.

P.S. We will probably change our mind about the level of improvement as soon as tomorrow.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Take a kid fishing, and then take him to Hooters

So we took Junior to Hooters this weekend. He's 9 years old. It was time.

Or was it? Some folks around the office seem to think it was bad idea.

In our defense, he's a very sophisticated kid. He's aware of gender issues and basic sexuality concerns. He's kind. He appreciates beauty and, at the same time, loves low culture. He's got a big vocabulary and a great sense of humor. Also, we told his mom we were taking him to Hooters and she thought it was a fine idea.

Before we went to Hooters, we went fishing. Junior caught a bunch of fish. It was a great day.

So, what do you think? Is it totally tacky to take a kid to Hoooters? Or just delightfully unrefined?

P.S. We feel sorry for boys who don't get to go fishing and don't see enough boobies.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

On the road back to respectability

We would have had a choice between the Wildcats and Royals last night if we had a television in our commuter apartment. We would have chosen KSU. Fortunately we have an XM radio, and the K-State game wasn't on. So we listened to politics and a little Royals action. Shealy is starting to make a believer out of us.

There are rumors that lots of teams are going to be gunning for Greinke this off-season, including the Red Sox. Don't do it Dayton! We recommend trading some combination of Dejesus, Teahen, Butler, Buck and Dan Cortes for some established bats. We need a SS (FA Furcal?), a CF (Coco Crisp?), an OF (Matt Holliday or Jason Bay?) and another catcher.

Then we could have a strong outfield and an infield of Aviles at 3B, Furcal at SS, Callaspo at 2B and Gordon at 1B, with Shealy as the DH. This is strong offensively and defensively.

Yes, we would rather the Royals trade Butler than Greinke. And Dejesus is a nice trading chip, assuming we find someone, in some combination of trades, who covers lots of ground in center and is a switch-hitter with some pop. Getting another corner outfielder with power is a must.

Then we could sign a few arms, add a catcher to replace Buck or Olivo, and have Guillen's tongue surgically removed.

All is fixed. Hello World Series.

UPDATE: THE PLAN is now being implemented. Actually, it was hatched long ago by Herk Robinson and one of David Glass's genius accountants. But you're just now seeing IT come to fruition before your very eyes. After GRINDING their way through the long season, the Royals and their legions of fans are now seeing the results of THE PLAN. (Apparently three months of TPJ at SS instead of Aviles -- not to mention all that long-ago business with Allard and Muser, etc. -- was all just part of THE PLAN.) Anyway, the Royals win in a laugher. Seven in a row. Everybody hits like crazy. And Greinke is a stud. The Royals will win all of their remaining games and still finish in last place. It's part of THE PLAN.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

God have mercy on the man who doubts what he's sure of

Don't look now, but your beloved 2008 Kansas City Royals are on a roll!

Davies and Duckworth are probably the second or third best back-to-back starters in either league. We really need to lock these guys up before other teams figure out that they're both Cy Young material.

And Shealy is a lock to hit 30 home runs next year.

Aviles should really win the 2009 AL MVP.*

Collaspo is destined to become an all-star.

*If Aviles doesn't win it, we're pretty sure Teahen will.

P.S. It's amazing how much damage George Bush has done to this country in eight years. And he's maximizing it! George Costanza would have done a better job.

P.P.S. It's very, very depressing that this country is in the shape it's in. We're really going to have to come together to start rebuilding this thing SOON. (But we just can't make ourselves come together, right now, over McCain.)

P.P.P.S. What nobody's saying out loud is that Palin's Fargo accent is solely responsible for switching North Dakota from a toss-up state in November to a red state, and that damn accent has also single-throatedly moved Minnesota from a solidly blue state to a toss-up state.

P.P.P.P.S. I have no ass. I was just trying to take a leak at a stand-up urinal in a public restroom and, when I loosened my belt, my pants fell down to an unexpected and unacceptable level BECAUSE I HAVE NO ASS to catch them. Thank God Larry Craig was no where to be found. I am starting to take on the shape of Hank Hill. It would be a shame if I have to get butt implants.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter.

Here is a nice story to chew on while wondering if Ryan Shealy is really going to be our 1B next year...

So there is this girl from Nepal, Ruchika or something like that, who used to attend Missouri State. She didn't know anyone here and somehow struck up a relationship with my former mother-in-law. My ex-mother-in-law, a Christian Democrat who came from extreme poverty, made friends with her, helped her out with money, got her a TV, stuff like that. In exchange, Ruchika (sp) painted her some wonderful watercolors. Well, Ruchika went home to visit her family in Nepal some time after 9-11 and then couldn't get back into the U.S. So she got a job in India, but she still stayed in contact with my former mother-in-law, Martha. Anyway, Martha died about a year-and-a-half ago. Cancer. But the family got a call from India this weekend. Ruchika had a baby girl. Now there is a little Nepali-Indian girl whose middle name is Martha.

If that isn't nice, I don't know what is.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Confession of a liberal elitist

We REALLY liked REO Speedwagon back in the day, and we still listen to it on occasion. Don't tell anyone.

P.S. How did the Royals do last night?

P.P.S. Free advice to Obama...Say this: "Now that I'm running against Sarah Palin instead of John McCain, permit me to say a few words about the Gov. of Alaska..." The effective thing about THAT is that it would go straight to McCain's heightened sense of manhood.

P.P.P.S. Brodie Croyle is done. (Did he ever get started?) Bring on Josh Freeman (who will be a better NFL quarterback than Chase Daniel, though we LOVE Daniel as a college QB).

P.P.P.P.S. Wouldn't it be cool if Daniel won the Heisman this year and Freeman won it next year? Of course, that means Josh would have to stay another year and somebody other than Freeman would have to be the first pick in the 2009 NFL draft.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Remember when this blog had boobs?

Here and here. Things seemed much more interesting and somehow more innocent way back in March and April. Even Trey Hillman's mismanagement seemed to be obscured by the promise of things to come.

Monday, September 8, 2008

No Ned Beatty jokes

The country is about ready to jump the proverbial shark, and Americans are apparently thrilled about the prospects of being oblivious to the dangers. Who cares about the economy and warmongering and everything that's happened for the past 8 years. It's a thrill to be stupid. Go Mavericks! And the Royals are far too depressing to even discuss. So screw it.

Joe Posnanski's post today has us thinking about pizza. Our favorite pizzas are 1. The Pizza House (Springfield, Mo.), 2. Shakespeare's (Columbia, Mo.), 3. Horace Mann Elementary Pizza (Springfield, Mo.), 4. Shotgun Sam's (now long gone, Springfield, Mo.).

Obviously this is very provincial. We lived in Seattle and Portland for a few years, and we don't ever remember even eating pizza. We do remember trying to order a pizza in Seattle. We asked for hamburger topping because we, not unlike most Republicans and Midwesterners and good Americans, actually like red meat. The girl on the phone couldn't believe that we would actually want beef on my pizza. So we told her to forget it. (Yes, we realize that we are actually making the case for the mavericks as opposed to the liberals here.)

Seattle has good seafood, as far as we know. We developed a taste for fresh Salmon there, for sure. But we don't really care for seafood, as a rule, and we really don't care for seafood that has somehow been shipped more than 500 miles from the nearest ocean.

Canadian walleye is pretty good.

We don't like catfish because they're godforsaken bottom feeders. And we haven't really been into swine ever since we got friendly with a doomed pig on our uncle's farm in Kansas many years ago. (No Ned Beatty jokes; we meant friendly in the sense that we liked that pig as a pet.)

Yes, Kansas City is the place to go for barbecue. And Springfield has its cashew chicken. Also, there's a Thai place in Springfield called Bangkok City that has truly awful service and amazingly addictive dishes.

The key to chili is making it in really large quantities. Horace Man Elementary had some great chili, too, as we recall.

We are German, so we can say with confidence that German food sucks. Everything that's supposed to be hot is cold and everything that's supposed to be cold is hot.

P.S. Remind us to do a post on the best stripper bars we've been to in America. As we recall, there are some joints in the trashier neighborhoods of Portland that would rank pretty high. And then there's that place just outside of Topeka, which qualifies because of the very real element of danger (violence, drugs, etc.) involved in going there. The best stripper bars in the world, as far as we know, are in Vancouver, B.C. But we really haven't looked into this as much as we should.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Happy idiots and paint-by-number dreams

Maybe September will be our month. (Butler had three doubles yesterday.)

But the Royals are still like the 1962 Mets. They're so bad at baseball that some of us continue to relate to them, just as we continue to rail at the injustices in life, which, of course, is full of disappointment caused by our own errors. All the while dreaming of better days.

If you haven't already, you should read Can't Anybody Here Play This Game?

Jackson Browne knew the score.

I want to know what became of the changes
We waited for love to bring
Were they only the fitful dreams
Of some greater awakening
I've been aware of the time going by
They say in the end it's the wink of an eye
And when the morning light comes streaming in
You'll get up and do it again

Caught between the longing for love
And the struggle for the legal tender
Where the sirens sing and the church bells ring
And the junk man pounds his fender
Where the veterans dream of the fight
Fast asleep at the traffic light
And the children solemnly wait
For the ice cream vendor
Out into the cool of the evening
Strolls the Pretender
He knows that all his hopes and dreams
Begin and end there...

I'm going to find myself a girl
Who can show me what laughter means
And we'll fill in the missing colors
In each other's paint-by-number dreams
And then we'll put our dark glasses on
And we'll make love until our strength is gone
And when the morning light comes streaming in
We'll get up and do it again
Get it up again.

I'm going to be a happy idiot
And struggle for the legal tender
Where the ads take aim and lay their claim
To the heart and the soul of the spender
And believe in whatever may lie
In those things that money can buy
Though true love could have been a contender
Are you there?
Say a prayer for the Pretender
Who started out so young and strong
Only to surrender.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

We got those steadily depressing, low down, mind messing, working at the car wash blues

We predict that the Royals are going to finish in last place.

We didn't correctly predict Obama's running mate (Biden was too easy); but guess what/who we did predict way back in May? That's right. Hurricane Sarah. See for yourself.

So who is going to be Obama's running mate? We have narrowed the field down to Bill Richardson, Ed Rendell, Kathleen Sebelius, Jim Webb and the governor of Alaska (because she's hot). Maybe, if the Royals tank tonight, we'll do a SWOT analysis of the veep field tomorrow. Because that's the kind of stuff that brings readers back again and again.

CORRECTION: The Governor of Alaska is a Republican (not that there's anything wrong with that). But she's still kind of hot.

And you didn't listen to the fact that we was genius.

Palin reminds us of a lot of red state women we know, and that's not all bad. She's more of a man than most Democrats, and she's still kind of sexy. Just once we wish the Dems would nominate somebody who knows how to bass fish or shoot a gun. Instead, we always get the guy who played in the high school band.

Americans like football players and cheerleaders, snowmobillers (sp) and hockey moms.

Now we're going to have to go through another four years of blowing shit up first and asking questions (maybe) later. This is the American way. We usually go along with it, but lately things have been getting too complex for the gang down at the bowling alley to deal with.

P.S. There's nothing on top but a bucket and a mop, and an illustrated book about birds. There's a lot up there but don't be scared.

P.P.S. Who needs action when you've got words? Or should it be...Who needs action when you've got verbs?

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Put me in coach, I'm ready to make errors

The other evening, probably Saturday, we noticed that the Royals scored 13 runs. We were watching football and all of the college scores and MLB scores were scrolling across the bottom of the screen. We shared the news with our father.

B.D. Hey, the Royals scored 13 runs.

Dad: Did they win?

B.D. Good question.

That is what it's like being a Royals fan on Labor Day weekend.

We have all kinds of thoughts on how things are going for the Royals, and tons of political thoughts, too, but for now we're keepting them to ourselves. One of these days we'll bust out with a manifesto. Of course, we have plenty of reactions to Mizzou's offense (unbelievable) and defense (how do you get burned deep like that?); and, dare we say, we were impressed with KSU Saturday.