Top 10 stupid drunk things that I remember

Is it possible for the Royals to be more depressing in the off-season than in the middle of the season? Of course it is.

Time for a Top 10. The following are the top stupid things I've done (or participated in) involving alcohol (that I remember):

10. Drank Dave Parker's moonshine (several occasions).
9. Sank flat-bottom boat in Mill Creek.
8. Fell through door into Jay Farrar's dressing room, asked him for autograph.*
7. Didn't realize she was a hooker (several occasions).
6. Pretended to be peacock at Colonel's wedding party.**
5. Went to Tokyo Sauna.
4. Passed out in Jeep with Motl in Wash U. parking lot.**
3. Tried fishing in swift river with dislocated shoulder.
2. Ate bad mushrooms at Dead concert in Oregon.
1. Slept with Mexican neighbors by accident.*

* Actually Mets Fan Rob did this.
** Actually Jeremy did this.

Mizzou to the Big 10 would be sort of like KC to the National League could have been

First and foremost, as an old Big 8 guy, I am worried about the Big 12. I have followed Kansas State sports my whole life. Then I graduated from Mizzou.

As a Mizzou guy, I think it would be fantastic if the Tigers went to the Big 10 + 2. But I think it would be devastating for the Big 12 if that happens.

Mizzou would fit in great in the Big 10. Columbia is more similar to Madison or Ann Arbor or Iowa City than it is to Manhattan or Stillwater or Ames. And the MU student body is Big 10esque.

I guess Nebraska would be the next-best fit. But Mizzou can deliver the KC AND STL markets.

What's left would be sad. Colorado would probably bolt to the PAC 10. That would leave the Big 8 refugees and a bunch of geographically dominant Texas schools.

I would be sad about what that would mean for K-State. But the reality of Mizzou matching up with Ohio State, Michigan, Iowa, etc., would be awesome.

P.S. I love this KSU basketball team. They absolutely beat the shit out of UNLV the other night. And they have the angriest fan base in the nation.

Kendall Royalty (distill the life that's inside of me)

The Royals suck. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. And so on.

Suh should have won the Heisman.

So I got this book for my birthday, Freakonomics. I've heard of it. Haven't started reading it yet. From what I gather, these guys are doing with economics what Bill James did with baseball. It does make perfect sense that the crime rate will drop with an increase in abortions, etc.

Speaking of abortions, the Royals suck.

Speaking of economics, Jason Kendall sucks.

So I'm supposed to be grading a huge pile of papers and writing a bunch of magazine stories, but I just can't bring myself to face either task right now. Maybe it will all be easier than I think?

Speaking of delusional thinking, Dayton Moore sucks.

So my son lost another tooth this weekend and he was demanding money for it. I told him he wears the same shoe size as me already (for crying out loud) but to put it under his friggin pillow, and then I forgot all about it. Apparently I later wandered into the room drunk and woke him up to tell him goodnight. The next morning he said he thought me coming into the room was "some kind of pathetic tooth fairy attempt." Anyway, I felt bad and gave the little bastard 20 bucks.

The next day I dropped Junior off at a birthday party and had a few hours to kill, so I ducked into Archie's. They were having a big Christmas auction to benefit the Good Samaritan Boys Ranch. My kind of place. Lots of old professional drunks and the occasional young and troubled woman-girl.

Which reminds me of the fact that I stopped into the Daily Pub the night before because I had an hour to kill before picking Junior up from swimming practice. Unfortunately, there weren't any hot troubled girls in there. But a really old, really drunk bag lady tried to hit on me. She slurred all of her words, but I distinctly heard her ask me to dance and then she asked me to take her to Red Lobster. As much fun as both of those things sounded, I declined.

Speaking of Red Lobster...insert something here about the Royals or a Royals player or Tiger Woods being cooked, boiled alive, or something like that (hopefully something funny).

Where can I get a Swedish nanny?

I have decided that it's best to keep Callaspo and DH him. What the hell, we need his bat. Keep Meche too. In fact, just get some kind of CF and catcher and let's roll with it. No need to get more bad players to add to this mix.

Here would be the position players:

C - Kendall?
3B - Gordon
SS - Yuni
2B - Getz
1B - Butler
DH - Callaspo
LF - Fields
CF - Coco?
RF - Dejesus

Bench - Bloomy, Pena, Maier, Guillen (Aviles)

But does anyone think DM might try to sign Rick Ankiel? He just seems like the kind of guy who would fit in with the plan, good or bad.

P.S. Isn't this stuff about Alex Rodriguez and all those women just plain crazy? I can't believe he cheated on that super foxy Swedish nanny of his.

P.P.S. If nothing else, we've already gotten rid the following this off-season: Olivo, Jacobs, Teahen, Bale, etc. Except for Teahen, that is most definitely addition by subtraction.

Winter Meeting Wonderland

First. Junior and I took our yearly trek to the mall Saturday morning. It wasn't that bad. Well, it was a little overwhelming at first -- so we headed straight to the food court. Then we hit about four stores like nobody's business and got all of our shopping done. Even the traffic jam getting out of the mall war zone didn't diminish my enthusiasm for having that over with.

Question. If the Royals signed Old Pudge and Bedard and found a decent young centerfielder with promise somehwere, would you consider this off-season a success?

My answer: That depends. If they really do non-tender Jacobs and Buck and if they can figure out some way to get rid of Guillen, then yes.

Question No. 2: Would you rather trade with the Mets or the Cubs?

Dayton's answer: That depends. Which team has the most players who were in the Atlanta organization at one point?

Question No. 3: What's the difference between a golf ball and a Cadillac Escalade?

Tiger's answer: I can drive a golf ball 400 yards.

P.S. Sounds like Dayton did a good job in signing this Cuban pitcher kid.

We can't win Afghanistan

Sending 30,000 more troops into Afghanistan to try to win the "war" is like signing Kyle Farnsworth to a $10 million contract in an attempt to shore up your bullpen, even though you have little chance of actually winning anything and you already have budget woes.

Seriously, you could put a million troops in that place. And for what? What exactly are we trying to accomplish? I get it that we've got to do what we can to keep Pakistan from becoming a failed state with The Bomb. Is that what we're fighting for? I guess it's going to be sort of like a Korea situation, only more dangerous. We'll have to keep Americans on the Pakistan-Afghanistan border forever.

This should have been evident a long time ago...but, by virtue of our HUGE over-reaction to 9-11, the terrorists won. We are fighting two "wars" we can't possibly win, Americans are more divided than ever, and the "civilized" world is falling apart morally and economically. Osama couldn't have dreamed a better outcome. Hell, the neo-cons and Rove-Palin types are the best imbedded allies he could have possibly recruited to fuck up dumb America. (You can probably include Pelosi, etc., in this crowd, too, for different reasons.)

The entire mess isn't President Obama's fault, of course. He's probably doing what he has to do in Afghanistan, which is sad. He's a thinking man, but we're not a thinking people. I just wish he'd do a better job, at least, when it comes to things like job creation.

And can somebody tell me why "cap and trade" isn't the stupidest idea on Earth?