Toast

This blog is toast. Might start a new one though. It will be named after the bombs that were dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. For real.

All life is suffering

My brother's friends take their own Porta-Potty to The K early on Opening Day and charge admission.

This year, in honor of the Tigers, the Porta-Potty was named the Detroit Dumper.

My brother (Jeremy) is also in the opening montage for all 2010 Royals TV broadcasts (apparently).

This team is going to be monumentally bad, and there's nothing Zack Greinke can do about it.

You have to be a Buddhist to make peace with being a Royals fan.

We have had the worst third base coaches in the history of baseball. This team is so laughable. I'm not going to say one positive thing about them until everybody is fired.

How many times can you jump the freakin shark?

I should have gotten a fantasy team this year.

I am DONE (until approximately Wednesday or whenever I decide to add PSs to this).

P.S. About that high pop up in the first inning...I was listening on the radio. Denny said the best infielder on the team was the only one who had any idea where the ball was, and that was Greinke.

New Q&A with Mets Fan Rob

Now that Opening Day is almost upon us, it's time to check back in with Mets Fan Rob:

Do you have any advice for Billy Butler on proper base running and sliding techniques?

He should always run the bases in a counter-clockwise direction and slide as little as possible.

Do you think the Royals play-by-play guys should be replaced with Jeremy and Motl?

No, but I do think Jeremy and Motl should be replaced.

Which Cormac McCarthy character would Zack Greinke be?

Easy. Gene Harrogate from Suttree.

When is the most appropriate time to scream "Yo la Tengo!"?

When you get the results back from an STD test.

What is the equivalent Russian phrase for "Feyh's a nightmare!"?

The answer can be found here: http://www.trololololololololololo.com/

Think of the Royals as theatre of the absurd (how can you not). What's the title of the play?

The Poo Story (in honor of George Brett and with apologies to Edward Albee).

You can't make this stuff up

Here are the highlights of the off-season/spring training for the Royals:

Man sues Royals mascot for throwing a hot dog at his eye.

Top prospect Danny Duffy decides he'd rather not play professional baseball anymore.

Royals sign Brian Anderson to a $700,000 major-league contract as a centerfielder. Anderson decides he wants to be a pitcher and is sent to the low minors.

Of course, the Royals have a long history of making absurd headlines:

Jose Guillen performs self-surgery on toe

Ken Harvey gets head stuck in tarp during game

Tony Pena Jr. swings bat one-handed

Former Royal Chico Lind gets caught driving with no pants on

Jimmy Gobble injures foot by stepping on cactus

Royals lose game when fly ball hits seagull

Emil Brown shoots female reporter in eye with BB gun.

What are your favorite Royals follies?

They should make the Royals travel by chicken bus

Just got back from Guatemala. (I'm pretty sure I'm the only person who has ever worn a Wichita Wranglers' Zack Greinke shirt in that country.)

So how are the Royals looking? All I'm hearing is Davies sucks. They should cut Davies. Why do we need Washburn? He'll just be blocking Davies! And so on.

Voodoo and weed

The two triumphs of liberalism in the past 30 years have been getting people to wear seat belts and getting people to stop smoking. Those are good things, backed by science. And I am a liberal who wears a seat belt and smokes cigarettes. Whatever.

Anyway, I'm starting to think that the actual application of liberal ideas is wrong-headed in most cases not related to seat belts and cigarettes. Maybe I'm just getting old (and sick of paying high taxes, especially on cigs). I'm a big fan of science -- but I will always be a liberal arts major. Should I trust global warming science? And, more importantly, should I trust the science behind pitch counts?

Maybe Nolan Ryan has it right? Or maybe Rick Peterson? What the fuck do I know?

The point of this is politics is upside-down and people are schizophrenic. Conservatives, by definition, should always embrace science. Liberals should stick with voodoo and weed.

Or maybe there was no point at all. Pretty sure it was the weed.

P.S. I take back what I said about Jim Bowden. He's actually kind of awesome.

P.P.S. Just realized I reverted to first person. Oh well.

Questions for 2010

Are the Yankees almost the most perfect team that money can buy?

At this point, is Johnny Damon as valuable as, say, David Dejesus?

Is Alex Gordon vastly underrated (by his own team and fans) going into 2010?

Is it hard for you to take a lineup including Kendall, Yuni, and Podsednik seriously?

Has anyone in the media ever actually asked Dayton for the names of the SABR/stats people on staff?

Will Greinke be the most awesome person ever elected to the Hall of Fame some day?

Is Jay Leno a total tool? Or just pathetic?

Should they just make St. Patrick the patron saint of beers and be done with it?

Who's going to face Mauer and Morneau in the eighth inning of a close game?

Does KSU really have a legit shot of making the Final Four?

Does anyone know the Sinead O'Connor-looking girl we saw at the flea market in Ozark last week?

If every repetitious thing you do has to be divisible by 11, does that mean you have OCD?

Do you really think Slugrrrrr popped that dude with a weenie?

Is Frank Martin your favorite person in the world?

Do you miss Mark Teahen yet?

Do you really believe that DeJesus can throw out any non-fat man going from first to third on a single to RF?

Do you wish that Trey Hillman had even a little bit of Frank Martin in him?

Do you think it's cool that Junior is reading Into Thin Air and Hiroshima?

What's the best way to get rid of man boobs? (Note that we're not at Mickelson crisis level or anything like that yet)

Do you think more people would start businesses if they didn't have to worry about staying at jobs they don't like in order to keep good benefits like health insurance?

Are the freakin Cardinals going to be good AGAIN?

Can you stand to watch another figure skating routine in your entire life?

Do you root for the hot girl in snowboarding regardless of country affiliation? Does that make you a pig?

How much do you think the Royals defense will be improved this season?

How much do you think the Royals new speed will help?

Do you agree that Noodling should be a new summer Olympic event?

Does Sarah Silverman turn you on?

Do you ever get the feeling the Royals are like that guy singing about bad credit in those free credit report dot com commercials?