Thursday, July 31, 2008

Rednecks for Obama

Aviles defense? Aviles offense!

Deadline inventory:

Untouchables -- Greinke, Soria

Solid Major Leaguers -- Dejesus, Meche

Tradeable commodities -- Mahay, Grudz, Olivo

Unproven commodities -- Aviles, Gordon, Butler, Banny, Hochevar, Buck, Ram Ram

Non-essential employees -- pretty much everyone else.

So we saw Obama close-up and in person yesterday. He flashed us a million dollar smile that made us very giddy and weak in the knees for a moment. (But we still like women.)

Our favorite line in Obama's speech yesterday was about GWB's energy policy -- basically, the president had Dick Cheney meet with the big oil companies 40 times.

And Obama framed the energy challenge with the JFK go-to-the-moon analogy. Yes! That's what we've been talking about.

We're OK with off-shore drilling (Obama says he's not for now). As long as we're also going to go ALL-IN on the development of new sources of energy.

The drilling thing is a perfect Karl Rove issue. It's probably going to replace homo marriage in the Republican playbook this year.

One of the audience members asked Obama whether or not it was a good idea to take 20,000 troops from Iraq and send them to Afghanistan -- so we can win a war for a change. Obama thinks it's a good idea. We're not so sure, but that's only because we read Thomas Friedman's column yesterday.

There were two old guys with scruffy beards, red baseball caps and overalls outside of the venue, near a busy street...They were holding a sign that said "Rednecks for Obama." People were honking at them and giving them thumbs up.

This election is going to come down to votes for Obama and votes against Obama. McCain might as well cancel all of his appearances and just let Rush and Hannity try to win it for him by scaring 50 percent of the voters into the notion that it's better to keep doing what we've been doing for some stupid reason(s).

P.S. We were lukewarm on Claire McCaskill -- now she's on fire!

P.P.S. We still can't stand Jay Nixon and we hope he gets caught with a high-priced hooker soon.

P.P.P.S. Emil Brown had a couple of nice (adventurous) catches yesterday. He still looks just like Roberto Clemente out there.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Top 10

Top 10 reasons why Barack Obama should pick Jose Guillen as his running mate:

1. Obama needs to pick a non-Muslim who can relate to folks in middle America.
2. Given his popularity in KC, Guillen might be able to deliver the crucial state of Missouri.
3. Obama needs to pick someone with gravitas.
4. Obama needs to counter the notion that he's too white.
5. Sometimes the voters need to be reminded that they're a bunch of big fucking babies.
6. The Obama campaign covets Mike Scioscia's vote.
7. With the possible exception of Jeremiah Wright, Guillen is the best man for the job.
8. Obama needs someone who isn't afraid to tell Hillary to go fuck herself.
9. Women voters dig the long ball.
10. Unlike Obama, Guillen is 100 percent American and presumably Catholic.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Hillman banned from in-game strategery (we wish)

The word on the street is that the Royals are offering Mahay to the Phillies for SS prospect Jason Donald, who looks like a young Mark Grudz to us. (But the Red Sox have a SS prospect and a hankering for Mahay too...The Rays also have a nice SS prospect, Brignac.)

What role will Aviles have next season?

BTW, it wouldn't surprise us if Butler ends up getting traded to Boston at some point. We're betting Bill James and Allard Baird value Butler's potential (and devalue his shortcomings) more than DM.

BTW II, Grudz is almost certain to be traded, isn't he? (Or is his back hurt again?)

If we were DM, we would issue an executive order to Hillman: no more bunts or steal attempts for the rest of the season.

Whatever DM does, he'd better not trade Greinke.

Our next good first baseman is going to be a Hawaiian. Look it up.

Nice to see Gordon go deep.

We need to find a good platoon partner to go with Teahen next year.

Monday, July 28, 2008

We're back

Now that was one long, strange trip. But we're back just in time to be part of Barack Obama's visit to rural Missouri on Wednesday. After that, we'd like to discuss Billy Butler and whether or not he is finally living up to the Big Donkey nickname that we were so quick to recklessly run with at the start of the season.

P.S. Trying to get back from Calgary, our original plane to St. Louis via Chicago had mechanical problems. So we were put on another plane (and another airline) to Houston, where they were conveniently having something resembling a hurricane. So our plane to Houston was delayed two hours, and then we waited in Houston for a little plane (on yet another airline) going to St. Louis. We finally got to St. Louis, only to sit on the tarmac for another 45 minutes waiting for a gate to free up.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Somebody wire us lots of Canadian currency

REGINA, SASKATCHEWAN -- Regina rhymes with Vagina (sorta). Ha, ha. We're totally burned out from the road, U.S. Dollars are no longer worth shit up here, and we never figured out the metric system. But during our glimpses at the Internet, we saw that the Royals won today (and yesterday). Is Teahen batting leadoff? Is Butler hitting well? Meche must have pitched great yesterday? Bannister, not so much today? Oh well, tomorrow it's Moose Jaw and Medicine Hat. The next day we finally make it to Calgary!

BTW, if we lived in North Dakota we'd be forced to stay drunk at all times.

P.S. We stayed at the worst motel in North America last week in Sioux Falls, S.D. It was so bad that even the hookers wouldn't go there. Tonight, we somehow scored a nice suite. Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug.

P.P.S. It's Canadian Football League season up here, and some folks in Winnipeg and Regina are into that.

P.P.P.S. Now, in addition to Loonies, the Canadians have invented a two-dollar coin. The lowest denomination of print money is a $5 dollar bill. You have to have a TEN just to get a beer at some of the finer establishments. What a bunch of hosers.

P.P.P.P.S. Do you think people throw those $1 and $2 COINS at the strippers instead of slipping them bills? These are the things that enquiring American minds want to know.

OK. Carry on with your baseball season and your war on Islam, you foolish Americans.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Slouching Toward Fargo

We're actually blogging for a living at another site (not really, sort of) as we work our way north on this godforsaken solar car race. We set out from Dallas Sunday. According to our colleague: if somebody wanted to bomb an American city, Dallas would be a good place to start. Tomorrow, we plan to go through Topeka and get to Omaha before dark. Meanwhile, it's now the All-Star break and we could all probably use a little quality time away from the Royals. So we'll re-charge our batteries during this trip and then come back for more before football season starts. If we don't check in from Fargo, we'll check in from Winnipeg. Or Medicine Hat. Or Moose Jaw.

P.S. There's a German team on this solar car adventure. We talked to one of the girls. She either said that we are a very handsome American or a very dumb American. We don't speak German.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Don't wanna be your monkey wrench

Thoughts while listening to last night's game...

Teahen is tantalizingly mediocre, and that's all he's ever going to be -- until he gets traded, at which point he will have one fantastic season and then revert back to mediocrity. It's inevitable, and it's too bad. Meanwhile, Dejesus is a legitimate stud.

Davies is an OK No. 5.
Banny and Hochevar are decent No. 4s.
Meche is a pretty good No. 3.
Greinke is a good No. 2.

We still need to upgrade the staff a little.

What will the career arcs of Gordon and Butler look like? We're a little worried that the curve won't be as steep as we previously thought.

How 'bout that Ramirez?

Dotel is still viable.

Soria in -- tie game -- after pitching yesterday. Hillman wants this game bad. Good for him.

No walk-off wins so far this year for the Royals says faceless new guy with Denny.

Good managing tonight.

C'mon Alex. Let's hit a lefty for once.

Alex sucks against lefties. And we're still VERY Sick and Tired of the Called third strikes.

Gathright at bat is like a one-armed man with a pitching wedge in a long-drive contest.

C'mon Butler. Shit. Welcome to the Big Leagues Billy. You suck. (This is what it would sound like in New York.)

How cool is Kool and the Gang?

Now we're surfing XM music channels to avoid the ugly outcome. Just listened to "Passage to Bangkok." Classic. Now Green Day. Sieg Heil to the President Gas Man! Kill all the fags that don't agree.

Now Frederic Fuckin Chopin. Love the XM.

And back to the gaem...and the Royals are now behind.

We feel stupid and contagious.

Hey, it's the Foo Fighters.

Hey, they tied it. Somebody tell us how it happened.

Oh, boy. That Larry the Cable Guy....

Light our candles in a daze cause we found God.

Did you really think about it before you made the rules?

Teahen with a leadoff walk in the 12th. That's a winner, right? (Denny concurs.)


This game has been horribly managed.

Lewis Black is funny.

Bob Dylan must have Asperger's.

Hey, Aviles. And now Gordon, who apparently had a big double earlier. (How come he never does shit while we're listening?

We'd be remiss (we are remiss) if we didn't mention that German is having a good game.

Bases loaded...and Grudz grounds into a DP. Game over. Back to Laugh Attack.

We have wasted far too many hours of our lives on games like this.

OK. We're off on the slow road to Calgary. We won't officially start this slow solar version of Cannoball Run until Sunday or Monday, but we've got bags to pack, planes to catch, and bills to pay. We'll check in from the road.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

This is how accidents happen

Nice win yesterday. Dejesus keeps on hitting. Soria blew a save and the Royals still won.

Tampa is good.

So where do we stand on Guillen these days?

Big Donkeys' cousin-in-law Mikey sank his truck on July 4 while trying to pull a land tube at high speeds through Cousin Farkle's pond. (Brother Jeremy was in the tube, which floated.) Heavy alcohol consumption was involved.

Mikey said it was OK because he was fully covered. But we asked him if he was sure he had Dumbass Insurance.

Earlier, Cousin Farkle's Big Dog chased us with a lit Saturn Missile in his mouth.

We hurt our good shoulder (possible dislocation followed by a quick relocation) playing pool basketball.

Fortunately, Cousin Michael is an emergency room physician.

This is a busy week. We leave for Calgary (via STL, DFW, Oklahoma, Topeka, Omaha, Sioux Falls, Fargo, Winnipeg, Moose Jaw and Medicine Hat) on Saturday.

P.S. There's no way to get to Wichita and Wabaunsee County and back to Missouri via mass transit. And there's no way to plow a field in a bus or subway.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

What would DeJesus do?

Apparently the rest of the team doesn't care WWDJD. We're on the road to Wichita. Happy Fourth of July!

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

You lika the juice? The juice is a good.

No this doesn't have anything to do with roids or O.J.

Aviles showing clear signs of unacceptable defense at SS? Uh oh. Better get your glove ready Tony.

Shane Costa's a guy we could see getting traded and having Aviles-like offensive success with another team. (This is not to say we think Costa's a good fit in KC; we just have a feeling he's one of those guys.)

Holy shit, Jason Smith has 18 home runs in Omaha. And 91 strikeouts.

Makes sense that Starbucks is one of the first corporate casualties of high gas prices. High-priced coffee is going to be sacrificed before gas (and before cigs and beer). Plus, espresso-based coffee is getting hit hard by the demand for energy drinks, which may also crash soon.

Big Donkeys is addicted to coffee and energy drinks and gasoline and beer and cigarettes and those expensive mouthwashy breath strips and tall women with minds of their own -- because we know what it means to be a Good American. Take that Islam and Church of Latter Day Saints!

Tuesday, July 1, 2008


Notes from last night...

6:10 -- Rain delay.

6:35 -- Baltimore announcers just said that Greinke has the best ERA in the league since August of last year.

6:37 -- Apparently Greinke holds opponents to a .179 batting average with runners in scoring position.

Later in the game -- That .179 batting average with runners in scoring position just went up along with the ERA.

About those T-shirts: We really will order them some day (maybe) for the charter commentators of this blog, but we get around to things like that with the speed of a glacier.

Indian names: This started with our epileptic border collie who is VERY nervous and who howls weirdly every time a fire truck or ambulance goes by. Her Indian name is Sings With Sirens. Our other dog is Little Big Ears. The Indian name we gave our son when he was a baby is Smiles With Whole Body. He later gave us a rather unfortunate Indian name: Farts At The Moon.

Here are some Indian names for your Kansas City Royals...

Gordon -- Swings For Fences
Guillen -- Mad At Baseballs
Greinke -- Crazy Like Fireflies (or through five innings, Shits Bed In Camden Yards)
Soria -- Calm In Storm
Butler -- Singles Off Far Wall
Gathright -- Jumps Over Buffalo -or- Bunts Into Wind -or- Runs With Rabbits
Dejesus -- Little Coyote After Big Game
Callaspo -- Plays With Fire Water
TPJ -- Hits Like Dung
Teahen -- Runs With Antelope -or- Swings And Misses
Olivo -- Big Guns In Strong Wind

Mike Sweeney -- Wounded Back
George Brett -- Chief George Freakin Brett
Buck O'Neil -- Hunts With Mighty Ancestors
Hal McRae -- Slings Ashtrays
Pete LaCock -- Bold Rooster
Lonnie Smith -- Fields With Mosquitoes
Tony Pena Sr. -- Makes Eyes At Neighbor's Squaw
Dan Quisenberry -- Skipper Of Sinking Stones
U.L. Washington -- Chews On Splinters From Broken Canoe
Johnny Damon -- Throws Like A Girl (some Indian names are just obvious)

Breaking news! Olivo with two outs in the ninth! Oh My God! You've got to be crapping us!

Mad At Baseballs can't be happy that they intentionally walked Swings For Fences...Yes!

10:20 -- S-O-R-I-A! Great comeback win! That's one of those wins that's really worth 2.5 wins or something like that. Wahoo!