Haven't felt this bad since Brad and Jen broke up

Zack Greinke is married to a former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader; he's young; he's a multi-millionaire; he's already won a Cy Young award; and he has nasty, nasty stuff. Whatever his issues are...self-confidence ain't one of them. In addition to being the best pitcher on any given team, he thinks he's the best hitter, golfer, World of Warcraft player, etc. In the end, he was kind of an ass. But I will miss him a great deal. Since the trade went down, I have been in a serious funk. It's kinda like I felt when Brad and Jen broke up.

Here's my take on the guys the Royals got:

Alcides Escobar -- slick-fielding shortstop #AtLeastHeIsntYuni

Lorenzo Cain -- has a hitch in his swing #NotSold

Jeremy Jeffers -- a big arm for the pen #OurPenIsGoingToBeSick #DontCareAboutTheHappyWeed

*It's good to get some more dark-skinned players #NotRacist

Jake Odorizzi -- yet another good pitching prospect #BestSystemInBaseball.

The linguistic art of arguing with an umpire

Lou Piniella was telling a story about a run-in with an umpire on MLB radio last night:

Piniella: Where was that pitch at?

Ump: I'm surprised at you, Lou. You went to college, right?

Piniella: What are you getting at?

Ump: You should know better than to end a sentence with a preposition.

Piniella: Let me re-phrase this for you. Where was that pitch at, you stupid sonofabitch?

Then, according to Lou, he got to enjoy the rest of the game in the dugout with a cold beer.

Over the Cliff

Am I the only one who thinks Cliff Lee is really overrated? I've never thought of him as a great pitcher, despite what he did last season. This is probably because (with the exception of his Cy Young year in 2008) he's never impressed me much while pitching against my lowly Kansas City Royals. Here is how Lee has faired against the mighty Royals lineup over the years (assuming I looked up the numbers correctly):

2010 -- 7.71 ERA

2009 -- 3.27

2008 -- 2.63

2007 -- 16.62

2006 -- 5.09

2005 -- 5.80

2004 -- 4.35

This proves absolutely nothing. But (for what it's worth) I think Zack Greinke is worth a lot more than Lee.

Frank White as the doctor on The Simpsons

A license to shit in the streets

Read Keith Richards' book. I dog-eared a bunch of pages. The following are apparently the lines I liked while reading:

There's no way to stop a primate. If I'm in, I'm in.

It's not something you take in the head, it's something you take in the guts.

Unfortunately, he screwed up with the chicks and had a short life.

Yet it is true that one day we looked at this mess, Phelge and I, and thought that there was perhaps nothing else to do than to clean it.

We despised money, we despised cleanliness, we just wanted to be black motherfuckers.

We're half man and half horse, and we got a license to shit in the streets.

Their elitism was total bullshit. Ken Kesey's got a lot to answer for.

Toast

This blog is toast. Might start a new one though. It will be named after the bombs that were dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. For real.

All life is suffering

My brother's friends take their own Porta-Potty to The K early on Opening Day and charge admission.

This year, in honor of the Tigers, the Porta-Potty was named the Detroit Dumper.

My brother (Jeremy) is also in the opening montage for all 2010 Royals TV broadcasts (apparently).

This team is going to be monumentally bad, and there's nothing Zack Greinke can do about it.

You have to be a Buddhist to make peace with being a Royals fan.

We have had the worst third base coaches in the history of baseball. This team is so laughable. I'm not going to say one positive thing about them until everybody is fired.

How many times can you jump the freakin shark?

I should have gotten a fantasy team this year.

I am DONE (until approximately Wednesday or whenever I decide to add PSs to this).

P.S. About that high pop up in the first inning...I was listening on the radio. Denny said the best infielder on the team was the only one who had any idea where the ball was, and that was Greinke.

New Q&A with Mets Fan Rob

Now that Opening Day is almost upon us, it's time to check back in with Mets Fan Rob:

Do you have any advice for Billy Butler on proper base running and sliding techniques?

He should always run the bases in a counter-clockwise direction and slide as little as possible.

Do you think the Royals play-by-play guys should be replaced with Jeremy and Motl?

No, but I do think Jeremy and Motl should be replaced.

Which Cormac McCarthy character would Zack Greinke be?

Easy. Gene Harrogate from Suttree.

When is the most appropriate time to scream "Yo la Tengo!"?

When you get the results back from an STD test.

What is the equivalent Russian phrase for "Feyh's a nightmare!"?

The answer can be found here: http://www.trololololololololololo.com/

Think of the Royals as theatre of the absurd (how can you not). What's the title of the play?

The Poo Story (in honor of George Brett and with apologies to Edward Albee).

You can't make this stuff up

Here are the highlights of the off-season/spring training for the Royals:

Man sues Royals mascot for throwing a hot dog at his eye.

Top prospect Danny Duffy decides he'd rather not play professional baseball anymore.

Royals sign Brian Anderson to a $700,000 major-league contract as a centerfielder. Anderson decides he wants to be a pitcher and is sent to the low minors.

Of course, the Royals have a long history of making absurd headlines:

Jose Guillen performs self-surgery on toe

Ken Harvey gets head stuck in tarp during game

Tony Pena Jr. swings bat one-handed

Former Royal Chico Lind gets caught driving with no pants on

Jimmy Gobble injures foot by stepping on cactus

Royals lose game when fly ball hits seagull

Emil Brown shoots female reporter in eye with BB gun.

What are your favorite Royals follies?

They should make the Royals travel by chicken bus

Just got back from Guatemala. (I'm pretty sure I'm the only person who has ever worn a Wichita Wranglers' Zack Greinke shirt in that country.)

So how are the Royals looking? All I'm hearing is Davies sucks. They should cut Davies. Why do we need Washburn? He'll just be blocking Davies! And so on.

Voodoo and weed

The two triumphs of liberalism in the past 30 years have been getting people to wear seat belts and getting people to stop smoking. Those are good things, backed by science. And I am a liberal who wears a seat belt and smokes cigarettes. Whatever.

Anyway, I'm starting to think that the actual application of liberal ideas is wrong-headed in most cases not related to seat belts and cigarettes. Maybe I'm just getting old (and sick of paying high taxes, especially on cigs). I'm a big fan of science -- but I will always be a liberal arts major. Should I trust global warming science? And, more importantly, should I trust the science behind pitch counts?

Maybe Nolan Ryan has it right? Or maybe Rick Peterson? What the fuck do I know?

The point of this is politics is upside-down and people are schizophrenic. Conservatives, by definition, should always embrace science. Liberals should stick with voodoo and weed.

Or maybe there was no point at all. Pretty sure it was the weed.

P.S. I take back what I said about Jim Bowden. He's actually kind of awesome.

P.P.S. Just realized I reverted to first person. Oh well.

Questions for 2010

Are the Yankees almost the most perfect team that money can buy?

At this point, is Johnny Damon as valuable as, say, David Dejesus?

Is Alex Gordon vastly underrated (by his own team and fans) going into 2010?

Is it hard for you to take a lineup including Kendall, Yuni, and Podsednik seriously?

Has anyone in the media ever actually asked Dayton for the names of the SABR/stats people on staff?

Will Greinke be the most awesome person ever elected to the Hall of Fame some day?

Is Jay Leno a total tool? Or just pathetic?

Should they just make St. Patrick the patron saint of beers and be done with it?

Who's going to face Mauer and Morneau in the eighth inning of a close game?

Does KSU really have a legit shot of making the Final Four?

Does anyone know the Sinead O'Connor-looking girl we saw at the flea market in Ozark last week?

If every repetitious thing you do has to be divisible by 11, does that mean you have OCD?

Do you really think Slugrrrrr popped that dude with a weenie?

Is Frank Martin your favorite person in the world?

Do you miss Mark Teahen yet?

Do you really believe that DeJesus can throw out any non-fat man going from first to third on a single to RF?

Do you wish that Trey Hillman had even a little bit of Frank Martin in him?

Do you think it's cool that Junior is reading Into Thin Air and Hiroshima?

What's the best way to get rid of man boobs? (Note that we're not at Mickelson crisis level or anything like that yet)

Do you think more people would start businesses if they didn't have to worry about staying at jobs they don't like in order to keep good benefits like health insurance?

Are the freakin Cardinals going to be good AGAIN?

Can you stand to watch another figure skating routine in your entire life?

Do you root for the hot girl in snowboarding regardless of country affiliation? Does that make you a pig?

How much do you think the Royals defense will be improved this season?

How much do you think the Royals new speed will help?

Do you agree that Noodling should be a new summer Olympic event?

Does Sarah Silverman turn you on?

Do you ever get the feeling the Royals are like that guy singing about bad credit in those free credit report dot com commercials?

Just seeing if this works

We are addicted to wordle: http://www.wordle.net .

Mark Teahen's dog

Our take on the Farnsworth to the rotation deal...Whatever. We know he's gonna suck in the pen, at least when the game's on the line. He might suck less as a quasi starter.

Because we are going to Guatemala in late March, we're going to have be careful about alotting our time and money in April. We want to go to a Royals game in KC, but then there's also this.

We still don't have an @bigdonkeys Twitter account because Twitter is still retarded. But we admit that I'm on that thing now @lcfeyh. Yesterday, Mark Teahen's dog sent me a photo of Arizona. (And still there are some people who don't believe in progress.)

P.S. We don't remember what Jim Bowden looks like, but on MLB radio he sounds a lot like Dick Morris. We suspect both of them are very smarmy.

There is unrest in the forest

Let's take your average Tea Party conservative, Sarah Palin, say. She doesn't trust science. She thinks a cold day in January is a good sample size. She thinks things like research and people from the Ivy League are fancy. She believes in conspiracy theories that don't have anything to do with the truth. She is very religious, almost fundamentally so. She believes that God is directing her. She doesn't know a thing about world geography. She thinks people like her are the real Americans (they are). She is vindictive. She does not like to be criticized. She lashes out at those who know more than she does. Her support comes almost entirely from people who don't read. She believes fair and balanced means covering her side of the story.

Now let's imagine your average Tea Party conservative running, say, the Kansas City Royals. He wouldn't trust defensive statistics due to the fact that they are a work in progress. He would be able to tell if a person is a good outfielder or basestealer by watching how fast they run. He would be able to prove that a shortstop is excellent based on one fantastic diving play. He would believe that scouts and old-schoolers are the real Americans. He would use the word "grit" to describe the kinds of people he's comfortable with (white people). He would blame poor results on bad luck. He would firmly believe that it's God's destiny for the team to reach the Promised Land. And anybody in the media who questions The Process would be banned from the stadium.

Now think of Major League Baseball as the United States of America. You would have star players and executives making impossibly over-inflated wages. There would be really bad contracts everywhere. The power of the unions would end up hurting job security in the long run. You would not be able to solve the steroid problem for decades because it's just too complex and there are money people who don't want you to do anything about it anyway. The inequities between teams would be so great that there would be cries of oppression from the weak. A system would be put in place in which the powerful teams would be taxed and a portion of the money would be shared for the good of the game. There would be discussion about salary caps and increased trading potential. Cries of socialism would ultimately get louder and louder.

And so on.

Somebody must've been drinking when this post was originally written

We think Billy Beane signed Ben Sheets in order to trade him at the deadline. Might not be a bad idea.

Do you realize, though, that The Genius has signed the following in recent years: Mike Piazza, Frank Thomas, Nomar Garciaparra.

He also aquired Esteban Loiza, Jason Kendall, Mike Sweeney, and Orlando Cabrera.

UPDATE: And Willy Taveras. Really? (Update: update: Tavares was DFAd.)

Just sayin.

OK. So do you think we've become so jaded and lazy that we've all just defaulted into thinking the Royals are going to be awful, because they're always awful? A lot of people thought the Royals were going to be pretty good last year, for the first time in a long time, and those people got burned. Don't get fooled again, right? Besides, some of the off-season moves have been head-scratchers, and it's easy to dump on every move the Royals make, to just assume that Dayton is a complete idiot. Well, DM has defintely made some mistakes, but...

We're not so sure the Royals are going to stink in 2010.

We just looked at the rosters of the other teams in the division. Minnesota should be good again but not great (the Twins would love to have the Royals starting rotation). Cleveland should probably be picked last. The White Sox, Tigers, and, yes, the Royals seem pretty even on paper to us/me. Look for yourself.

Or maybe we're crazy (probably). But the bitching about Dayton Moore, and we've done A LOT of it, is becoming all encompassing. It's like work. Everybody's bitching because that's all they know how to do anymore.

After last season, we figured we'd be stuck with the same old losers who flail at baseballs, shit their pants on the bases (if they're lucky enough to put a ball in play), and catch like the old guy in the Keystone beer commercial. But Jacobs and Olivo are gone. So is Josh Anderson. Callaspo got moved off second. And Guillen got moved out of right.

Even though Dayton brought in a lot of the losers to begin with, the Royals have made progress from the end of last year to this year. Hopefully some lessons have been learned.

Look. Dayton is spending in the draft. By next year, the Royals are going to have one of the top farm systems in baseball. In the Majors, yeah, we've got Yuni and Farnsworth and some other major stinkers, but we've also got Greinke, Soria, Butler and Gordon -- all young. And stepping out of the Royal we for a second: I, for one, think Ankiel is going to be fun to root for.

So there.

P.S. The Royals also have some (quality?) depth at almost every position this year.

Time to get all fired up and delusional

So when do we get Thome? When do we get Bedard?

Check this out:

2010 Gordon > 2009 Gordon
2010 Yuni > 2009 Bad Aviles, 2009 TPJ, 2009 Yuni
2010 Pods > 2009 Gimpy Coco, 2009 Freel, 2009 Josh Anderson, 2009 Maier (some will question this)
2010 Ankiel > 2009 Guillen
2010 Meche > 2009 Meche?
2010 Cruz > 2009 Cruz
2010 Depth > 2009 Depth
2010 Defense > 2009 Defense
2010 Team speed > 2009 Team speed
2010 Offense ~ > 2009 Offense
2010 Pitching ~ > 2009 Pitching

Obviously it's not hard to improve on last year's crappy team. And we go through this every year: trying to find reasons to believe the Royals will be better as Spring Training approaches...but, whatever.

Welcome to KC, Rick

Here's what we/I put on a message board this morning:

I don't think DM really intended on signing Ankiel, especially after signing Pods, and I don't think he had the money to do it even if he wanted to. But Ankiel was still available -- and DM's boss, the money man, happens to be a big Cardinals fan, probably a big Ankiel fan. That's my math on this deal. I don't hate it.

That was the first thought, but maybe DM just wanted to get a guy with some speed, defense and power? Look, Ankiel has a big problem with OBP, etc., but DM is just doing what he said he was going to do. He's trying to make the team faster and improve the defense. He's done that. This doesn't mean that the Royals are going to be any better in 2010, and the OBP issues still haven't been addressed much, but...

Do you remember watching how SLOW that damn team was last year? That and the defense were just too hard to watch.

The other thing about this Ankiel deal is that it probably gives us three starting left-handed hitting outfielders. One thing we here at Big Donkeys worry about (probably too much) is right-left balance in the lineup. That's why we love a good switch-hitter! Anyway, the Royals are starting to look like they might be able to score some runs with this lineup IF they utilize the bench correctly. Unfortunately, we don't have any faith in Trey to manage the bench correctly.

Fields needs to play against all left-handed pitchers. Brian Anderson needs to be the fourth OF because he's right-handed. And, at some point, a healthy Aviles needs to play.

Prediction: Fields is going to have a better year than you think.

Prediction on Ankiel: He still won't have a great average or OBP, but he'll go through hot stretches and hit a lot of homers, plus he'll make some spectacular plays in the field. The regular fans will really start to like him, but mostly because of his mustache. Then he'll get hurt.

Back to the SLOW thing...The following players were on the 2009 team: Jacobs, Butler, Guillen, Callaspo and Dejesus. (Those last two are slower than you might think.) Jacobs and hopefully Guillen are done, and DM has added new speed guys in Getz, Podsednik, Ankiel and Anderson.

P.S. Here's what we wrote right here on this blog (not that anyone cares) back on Dec. 11:

But does anyone think DM might try to sign Rick Ankiel? He just seems like the kind of guy who would fit in with the plan, good or bad.

Hey doodz!

We wish Dayton would re-sign Horacio Ramirez (again) so that HoRambo guy would start posting about his secret pitchez on Royals Corner again.

And if you didn't see it on Royals Review or Royals Corner, Vanity Fair published an excellent piece of long form journalism by that guy who wrote Moneyball. The VF story is about baseball in Cuba. Your favorite shortstop figures into the story.

P.S. The Commie Ball story is from 2008. We missed it somehow until now, even though the ex-wife has a subscription to Vanity Fair. (And she still allowed us to be inside the house back in 2008. We can't remember exactly why we got banned. Seems like it had something to do with a bottle of premium vodka.)

Into the crapper

This one signifies what usually happens to the Royals season shortly after Opening Day.

We all have a cross to bear

Royals Fan Jeremy has a new portfolio of cell phone photos. This one was taken at some bar (probably) in Kansas City. Jeremy has pledged to symbolically die for Royals fans' sins.

Everyone in the pen is fickle but Farnsworth

Last year, everyone nearly shit their pants with disgust when the Royals signed Kyle Farnsworth to a 2-year contract that made absolutely no sense to anybody except Dayton Moore. And, yes, Farnsworth sucked last year.

But we were VERY happy when the Royals signed Juan Cruz to a two-year contract. Cruz sucked and got hurt last year -- which brings us to the point of this post. It's easy to see that a guy like Farnsworth is going to suck, but it's harder to predict which relievers are going to be good from year-to-year. Bullpens are one of the most fickle things in a fickle sport. And that's why it's stupid to throw money at veteran relievers who have been decent to good (or in Farnsworth's case: atrocious to OK).

Anyway, having apparently realized this, Dayton has been picking arms off the scrap heap all offseason. Maybe a few of them will turn out to be good, right? Here's a list of the pitchers acquired so far since November:

Matt Herges
John Parrish (L)
Nelson Payano (who is this guy?)
Philip Humber
Francisco Rosario (any good?)
Bruce Chen (L)
Adam Bostock (L) (promising?)
Devon Lowery
Edgar Osuna (L)
Josh Rupe
Bryan Bullington
Juan Abreu (what about this guy?)
Jorge Campillo (maybe?)
Brad Thompson

How would you rank these guys in terms of helping the 2010 Royals? Who are the top 5? We'd start with the Rule 5 kid, Osuna. From there, we don't know.

P.S. Our prediction is that Cruz rebounds and has a fantastic year while Farnsworth is terrible again.

P.P.S. Hell, even Soria could go fickle on us. Very few relievers aside from the likes of Rivera and Nathan sustain a high level effectiveness year after year. (But that's probably because most are failed starters with limited ability; Soria is a Rule 5 guy who never got a chance to fail at starting; he's probably got less of a chance of flaming out.)

P.P.P.S. In addition to the Cruz move last year, we also were in support of the Coco Crisp trade and, at the time, we didn't think the Jacobs trade was the disaster it turned out to be. Geez, Dayton was only trading a couple of fickle relievers for those guys...

Why the 2010 Royals might not be horrible

You can tell a lot about the economy by watching commercials during football games. These football commercials used to feature beer, automobiles, Coke-Pepsi, McDonald's, pizza, airlines, financial services and blondes with big boobs. Apparently the only things selling these days are cell phones, penis pills and Red Bull. Plus some beer (still), thank God.

OK. It's a New Year, and we are going back to the Royal We. We are also going to try to give negativity and snarkiness a break (don't worry; this won't last long). Anyway, here is a serious attempt at listing some realistic reasons why the Royals might not be horrible in 2010.

Gordon is likely to be healthier and improve, maybe a lot.

Butler is likely to hit as well if not better than last year.

Greinke is still Greinke.

Soria is more than solid.

Hillman will probably be a better manager. He can't be much worse.

Yuni is only, what, 27 or 28? He actually has a little pop. Maybe he'll have a decent year.

Getz is fast and has to be better defensively than Callaspo.

Callaspo can flat out hit.

Tejeda looks like he can pitch.

Fields might have something resembling a break out year with power (especially against lefties).

Jacobs is no longer on the team.

Aviles might get healthy and return to form.

Disco might make his MLB debut!

Farnsworth probably won't be a late inning set-up guy.

The Rule 5 pick looks like he could be a useful lefty.

Cruz used to be very good; he should be healthy again.

At least Kendall can block a slider in the dirt.

P.S. To Mellinger: Why can't Callaspo DH? I don't understand why that's absolutely not going to happen. Platoon him with Guillen or Fields. DH him against right-handed pitchers and start him for Getz at second against left-handed pitchers. This is the best option available. Please tell me the brain trust that put this crappy roster together is capable of considering such a thing.

P.P.S. I guess the positive thing is already wearing off.