Whistle thru your teeth and spit

Beating the Cardinals was really fun while it lasted. (That Pujols guy is pretty good.)

Banny is still smart and he battles out there, but he's starting to get clobbered.

Billy is back.

But in Royal World, you have to sit for a week after you get called up from Omaha. Buddy made the rule and Trey is subscribing to it.

BTW the Royals are 0-2 since Billy came back.

We don't care what Jose Guillen says -- we just want him to start bashing again. (Until then, would it kill him to take a walk?)

Buck has been batting in front of Pena and now Gathright all season. Fortunately, Buck is willing to take a walk. (Now would it kill him to hit a HR every now and then?)

Even when he's hitting the ball a little, it's depressing to have Ross Gload as your every day first baseman. We've got to replace Gathright and Gload in the lineup with Butler and someone else who can hit.

It will be hard to take Gathright out of the lineup, now that Dejesus has a boo-boo.

We really need another hitter. (At least this isn't as desperate as a month or two ago, when we really needed at least three more hitters.)

Just when we think Teahen's going to really get it going, he strikes out again. And again.

Just when we think Gordon is never going to be much better than average in this league, he has a night like he had Friday night. And he's starting to take a lot of walks.

(We just checked the box score from yesterday. Turns out Alex left SEVEN runners on base. Gathright left four.)

Baltimore sucks (the team and the city). That's why it's so hard to figure out why KC loses to the Orioles so much. Go get em Greinke!

P.S. We were pitching batting practice last week and some kid lined one off our forehead. We then tripped on a loose baseball and then fell onto a bucket of balls. This, in addition to generating much laughter, has resulted in fantastic bruising and possibly internal injuries.

P.P.S. We know the headline for this post doesn't have anything to do with this post. Headlines that match content are going out of style.

P.P.P.S. Our grandpa, a Kansas State graduate, used to say that the reason he was such a KU fan was because he paid for an education up in Manhattan, and they didn't give him one. Having attended both K-State and Mizzou (but not KU), we can testify that KSU was tougher. But the girls were much hotter in Columbia. In the end, all we really know is that we still can't stand KU.

So it goes

Another nice game last night. Let's keep this going. Breaking out of the "Royal We" for a minute, my grandpa died and I'm going to be out of commission for a while. It was expected. I might post something on Grandpa next week -- because, after all, it's my silly blog. He was a former high school basketball coach. At 5-foot-5, he might have been the shortest man ever inducted into the Kansas Basketball Hall of Fame. He insisted that granny shots were much more accurate than new-style free throws. He was old school before there was such a thing as old school. And so on.

Bring Billy back II

From the Royals beat in today's Star:

“He’s doing everything that we wanted him to do,” general manager Dayton Moore agreed. “We’ll get him up here when we can. But it’s not something that, probably, is going to happen (today) or the next day.”

Why not?

“That’s a fair question,” Moore said. “It’s ultimately my responsibility to find an opportunity for him.”

Sounds like DM is trying to make a trade that makes room for Billy. Sounds like he's making it harder than it needs to be. There's plenty of dead roster weight to release.

Chicks dig the long ball

The Royals hit three home runs last night, prompting us to have the following reactions:

-- Tea-Hen-T! He's dynamite! Tea-Hen-T! And he'll win the fight! Tea-Hen-T! He's a power load! Tea-Hen-T! Watch him explode!

-- Guillen-T! He's dynamite! (OK, this isn't really working. But still.)

-- Ross Gload. Really?

There you have it. Winning is better than losing. And chicks dig the long ball.

P.S. Weird game from Banny last night.

Bring Billy back

There are a few really strange games every year involving big comebacks, and the Royals are usually on the losing end. Strangely, we had a feeling all day (Sunday) that the Royals were going to put some runs on the board and make a game out of it. Even more strangely, we started to feel more and more confident that we'd win as the game progressed. Weird.

Our new favorite player, of course, is Mike Aviles.

We've been hearing about Tim Lincecum for a long time now. He wasn't as good as promised yesterday.

It seems like we have some decent bullpen depth in Omaha. Why, then, are we subjected to this Fulchino guy, and where did he come from?

Unfortunately, a lot of our relievers are southpaws. Musser has absolutely demonstrated that he can pitch. And maybe Smokin John Bale will come off the DL some day. And Mahay has been very solid in the bigs. Time to trade Gobble.

That Rosa call up didn't last long.

Time to bring Billy back.

The Royals should have learned their lesson with TPJ. You can't go on and on with players who can't hit or aren't hitting for some reason. This means Gload. And Gathright.

Did you see where those outfielders were playing Gathright yesterday? We've seen T-ball outfielders play deeper and with more respect.

Jose Guillen, on the other hand, is a very strong, bad man. (We’re pretty sure he started to get really angry when we gave him the Jeremiah Wright Award in May. Ever since then, he’s been amazing.)

Gordon swings and misses too much when he’s not hitting the occasional bomb. Teahen strikes out too much. So it goes.

At least Gordon walks.

We know A LOT of runs were scored yesterday, but doesn't it seem like The K is playing more "spacious" than ever? Somebody look up how many home runs have been hit in Kansas City vs. other MLB parks this year. (We really wish we had the kind of readers who were overly anxious to impress with their ambitious analytical skills. Then again, that would be boring.)

We're going to be sad (for obvious reasons) when interleague play is over.

P.S. We went kayaking this weekend with junior. Now we want to buy a kayak. It just seems like it would be nice to be a kayak owner.

P.P.S. Some lesbians we know gave us the keys to their house (they went on a vacation) and we stayed over there Saturday and watched the game on their nice big TV. Sometimes it's nice to stay in a place where everything is clean and all of the appliances work and so on. Plus, they left some alcohol. Yeah, lesbians!

Flying cars (and other stuff) on Planet Zack

Nice game last night from Meche, Guillen, Aviles and the gang. Just saw this from Greinke via Royals Corner. Priceless.

"There definitely will be flying cars, but whether there'll be flying cars for most people to use, it'll probably take a long time to straighten everything out, all the rules and hassles. It'll take a while to figure out how to keep people from crashing into each other."

If you don't believe us, ask us

Our thoughts in real time from last night (today's game is getting ready to start, so maybe we'll continue our thoughts in real real time):

Why is Grudz batting fifth? He has 11 RBIs.

Way to go Buck!

Jason Whitlock is rich. Poz has got to be shitting his pants.

Banny fought it like a man.

The difference between Joey Gathright and a good MLB player like, say, Willie Wilson is that Joey never corks one down the line for a triple or, at worst, a double. It's infield singles or nothing with Joey. And midget singles (and the ability to jump over a car) don't cut it in The Show, no matter how many balls you run down in CF.

De-Jesus! Christ-almighty, that dude is hitting the ball! If De-Jesus was a closer instead of an outfielder, he'd be leading the league in saves.

Gordon! Holy Shit!

When is Nunez coming back?

Our arms look really toned, a lot like Michelle Obama's, only with lots of hair. We're thinking about going sleeveless more often.

Some of the worst teams in the AL could compete for playoff spots in the NL.

Gload's career is exploading (in a bad way).

The Royals, a bad team, have manhandled the NL for years now. It's not a small sample size. This year, we've already taken 2-out-of-3 from the Marlins, Diamondbacks and Cardinals. There's not much difference between losing 95 games in the AL and being the NL World Series representative. If you don't believe us, ask us.

S-O-R-I-A! Suck it!

UPDATE: The Royals just finished up the tidy sweep.

Well, that was easy. Beating up on the Pujoless Cardinals like that almost isn't fair.

Nice to see Tea-Hen-T bring the dynamite. Greinke must have been pretty much dealing. And then there's Soria.

This offense might be pretty good when Butler comes back with a chip on his shoulder.

Just imagine all of the at-bats we've wasted in the past 1.5 years with Larue and Pena. How many more runs do we score with Olivo and Aviles in their spots? Now imagine Butler getting all of Gload's at-bats and then some. Now imagine Gordon learning how to hit lefties a little and getting hot like he did the second half of last year. Then, if you really want to dream, think about what it would be like if Teahen gets as hot as he was a few years ago.

We just heard/read that Aviles was one of those college seniors the Royals drafted a few years ago to save money. After the fifth round or something like that, they only drafted college seniors and offered them $1,000 to sign, take it or leave it. And people wonder why the Royals have sucked so long. Thank God Glass has finally been shamed into spending money. And we hope they treat Aviles right now that he made it to The Show against all odds.

Have a good weekend. (We don't work on Fridays in the summer.)

Hey, Cardinals fans: Suck it!

Maybe Aviles is more than just an extra guy for us? You think?

Davies is serviceable, and then some.

What if Teahen was as good as Ludwick?

Mahay is OK. Actually, he's pretty good.

Mike Shannon is the illegitimate son of Harry Caray.

Title for bestselling children's book: "Bi-Polar Bear" (TM on behalf of Rob)

The umps hate Gordon, and we don't blame them.

Somebody figure out which major league batter has the most called third strikes this season.

Butler is absolutely mashing up in Omaha. Gload's days are numbered.

Favorite T-shirt of all-time (seen in Oregon): "Save the trees. Wipe your ass with a spotted owl."

Soria throws that SLOW breaking ball every time he gets two strikes on a batter. The AL is starting to figure this out. Fortunately (for a lot of reasons), we're playing the NL.

Soorrri-uh! S-O-R-I-A! Soorrri-uh! (to the tune of "Gloria," TM Big Donkeys brother)

So the other day the subject of 6-pack abs came up, and we said we're working on a 12-pack. A lady friend suggested that it's more like a pony keg. We were also rudely informed that we're starting to get man boobs.

SO on Monday evening we officially started the Non-Celebrity Ozarks Fat Farm Personal Big Donkeys Fit Club. We do 10 push-ups and 25 sit-ups and then we drink a beer. This three-pronged workout is repeated several times, and then we eliminate the push-ups and sit-ups.

If Obama's still smoking cigs, he should let himself get caught more often. That would solve his elitist problem -- as long as he's not smoking some kind of really fancy cigs. Also, it probably wouldn't be good if he smokes Kools or Newports.

Big Donkeys smokes Marlboro Lights, but, to our credit, we used to smoke Vantage Ultra Lights.

The very fact that a black man who's not Bryant Gumble is taking hits for being an elitist shows that this country has come a long way.

Why can't we be in the NL?

We spent Father's Day at the lake (Table Rock), tubing and drinking beer. Donkey Jr. went tubing while we drank beer in the boat. Actually, we wanted to spend yesterday mowing the lawn and drinking beer/listening to the Royals out back, but Donkey Jr. wanted to go to the lake.

Big Donkeys went to the batting cages Saturday and hit the crap out of the ball. We've still got it! (Especially when we don't have to run the bases or something crazy like that.)

We didn't spend much time at all listening to the Royals or watching on teevee, but we take it that Dejesus and Aviles are hitting the ball pretty hard too.

You've probably noticed this, but the Royals are a pretty good team when they're playing against the National League.

We'll be posting a lot this week if the Royals do well against the Cardinals. If they don't do well, not so much posting.

P.S. We spent all morning riding around in a rental car with a producer from NYC. She hadn't driven a car for years. It was funny.

P.P.S. We're going to miss watching Tim Russert.

No more Tomko

Busy afternoon. The Kansas City Royals of Westport have designated Brett Freakin Tomko for assignment. That was 3 million well spent. AND Carlos Rosa is now with the big league team. Plus, there's a game going on out at the K, where apparently the wind is blowing out. So far, Gordon and Aviles (Aviles!) have home runs. Meanwhile, God only knows how many homers the Rangers have hit. Banny has been terrible. It's tied right now, but it's only a matter of time until Gobble comes in and gives up a 600-foot moonshot to Hamilton.

Update: We actually won the mother fucker. Soorrr-e-uh, S-O-R-I-A, Soorrr-e-uh! Banny stabilized and threw a whopping 127 pitches or something like that. Gordon followed his HR up with a double. And Guillen did his thing. Nice. And, yes, we still suck.

Nor for the pestilence that walketh in the darkness

The Royals lost again, despite leading early (again), so let's talk instead about Milton Bradley's failed assault on Ryan Lefebvre after the game. After being restrained and led back down to the clubhouse, Milton broke down in tears. This guy needs all kinds of help. But he's still a damn good ballplayer.

People who proudly admit in 2008 that they don't know how to use the Internets: Denny Matthews, Larry King, John McCain. (We still love Denny.) This is interesting because the Internets are most useful (and indispensable) when it comes to baseball, media and politics. And porn (obviously).

But we don't need the Internets to tell us that the key to having a good offense is getting a lot of doubles and home runs (and walks). Singles are like sunflower seeds: they're really nice, but they don't fill you up. This is one reason why the Royals suck eggs.

Walks, for a hitter, are like taking a sick day when you're not really sick.

Getting a win, if you're a Royals fan, is like getting laid unexpectedly and being really happy about it but then worrying about what kind of crazy price you're going to pay in the coming days for taking advantage of your rare luck. (We'd be willing to deal with this kind of stress 80 or 90 times a year.)

We thought for a while that we were going to get lucky last night, and the night before, but we were wrong.

Guillen is the only guy in our lineup who makes opposing pitchers afraid to throw strikes. But he's not the kind of guy who likes to take advantage of sick days.

Our middle relief is VERY shaky right now.

Too bad Grudz isn't playing out his career with a good team like the Cardinals. (Did we just say that?) Still, we're gearing up to face a Pujoless Cardinals team pretty soon, and we like our chances (not really).

P.S. We like Coors products, but we're still not wild about the idea of a foreign company taking over Anheuser-Busch.

P.P.S. Looks like K-State got hit by a tornado last night. The weather has been unbelievable lately, what with all of the floods and tornados. Locusts and pestilence are next, and it's all George Bush's fault. Everything is going to continue to go wrong until Dubya finally leaves office.

We're sick of getting hosed, and we blame Tompkins Industries (and Tomko Industries)

Sometimes I think it's a sin
When I feel like I'm winning when I'm losing again

Good news: Guillen's still hot and Gordo jumped on one. And Meche pitched well.

Correction: We were wrong about the season series with the Yankees being over. This means, of course, that we have jinxed the Royals (not that they need any help) and they will almost certainly get swept when they visit the Bronx again in August.

Tomko sucks.

We're so sick of Tompkins Industries. What do they sell, anyway? Something to do with getting hosed.

So, anyway, we've read most of the novels worth reading, and we tend to re-watch old films we've already seen about a thousand times. One of the movies we're partial to (partly because we once lived in Portland, Ore.) is Drugstore Cowboy, with a very young Matt Dillon and Kelly Lynch. Check it out if you haven't seen it. (William Burroughs has a small role as the junkie priest.)

Also, Annie Hall:



P.S. If you like blowing stuff up (and we know that you do), you'll probably like watching a video of a summer camp where high school students practice the art of exploding chickens and stuff like that.

Bring on the Rangers

That concludes the season series with the Yankees, right? If so, the Kansas City Royals of Raytown went 4-3 against those bastards this year.

Alex Gordon needs to learn how to spoil pitches with two strikes instead of watching them go by with that shit-eating grin on his face. He needs to foul off the pitches he can't drive, and he needs to make better contact on the ones he can drive. Right now, he looks like a .270 20 HR 80 RBI guy going forward. (And he'll be lucky to do that this year.) We need him to be more than that.

Olivo > Buck

Guys we're ready to deal if we can get something for them: Buck, Gobble, Grudz, German and Gload.

Dayton's doing a good job with trades and free agents, and the Kansas City Royals of Blue Springs have developed or are developing (we hope) some "stars" like Greinke, Dejesus, Gordon, Butler and Hochevar. Now they need to develop a Super Star.

P.S. From now on, we're trying out new names for the Royals in the new tradition of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Look for the Kansas City Royals of Grandview, the Peculiar Royals of Lee's Summit, the Kansas City Royals of The Plaza, The Olathe Royals of Kansas City, the Lenexa Royals of Olathe, the Shawnee Mission Royals of Bonner Springs, the Independence Royals of Kansas City, the Topeka Royals of Pottawattamie or the Brookside Royals of the Power and Light District.

Via Omaha

OK. We just looked at Omaha's batting stats. Turns out, Butler is pretty much hitting the way he should be hitting down/up there. Also: Meier, Costa and Lubanski have nice numbers. And Jason Smith has 13 home runs! As far as pitching goes, Musser and Rosa (next year) are the only guys we want to see in KC.

P.S. Who had the better draft -- Royals or Chiefs -- and why?

P.P.S. It is true that Berroa got traded to the Los Angeles Dodgers of Chavez Ravine. We're pretty sure he's going to continue to swing at outside pitches in the dirt, no matter where he goes.

P.P.P.S. That Aviles guy looks pretty good with the bat to us. But the million dollar question is...How good does he look at SS?

Do unto others as Big Donkeys would do unto you

Well, we sank a flat-bottom boat about midnight Saturday, after about 75 beers. We lost the trolling motor under water but somehow managed to rescue the boat and salvage the battery. It was a very wet experience. By the time we made it to the bank, we had ruined two cell phones and at least one perfectly good beer (in addition to losing the trolling motor). It was all Cousin Farkle's fault. The next morning we found the trolling motor submerged in about four feet of water and proceeded to run the lines.

Earlier in the day (Saturday), we listened to the Royals blow a big lead to the Yankees. Even after Guillen's slam, we figured the Yankees would come back.

Guillen and Dejesus are real Major League Baseball players. Wish we had a few more of them in the lineup.

Word on the street in KC is that Billy Butler is a spoiled jerk. This is coming from our brother, who should know.

Butler can be as cocky and spoiled as he wants if he actually starts hitting the ball like bonafide thumper. Dunking little singles over the second baseman's head isn't what Big Donkeys do.

Greinke gives up too many gopher balls.

What do you know about this high school pitcher we drafted in the fourth round last week? He wants first round money. Will the Royals actually give it to him?

P.S. Whoever stole our minnow traps at the Low Water Bridge is going to pay if we ever catch them.

P.P.S. The Royals just beat the Bronx Yankees of New York, thanks to another dinger by Guillen.

P.P.P.S. As it turns out, Jose Guillen is better than Emil Brown.

A country boy can survive

Dang.

Is every run scored on the South Side a HR?

According to Ed Farmer, who should know, Teahen's HR to center was a "bomb into the wind."

Is it possible that Teahen's getting his mo-jo back?

Sounds like we're going to pick this Hosmer kid if the Bucs take Alvarez.

We're going catfishing in Kansas this weekend! Normally we prefer bass fishing, but this is a glamorous excuse to camp on the banks of the crik (which is what they call a stream or small river in Kansas) with our dad, brother, uncle and Cousin Farkle. Our life experiences (and politics) are very different from these guys, but, by God, we still know how to drink beer and run a trotline. If you can't drink beer and go catfishing with your kinfolk then, by God, you're not an American in our book.

P.S. We now require lots of bug spray and possibly a Red Bull for these kinds of outings, but that doesn't mean we're soft or too fancy. (Also, we're planning to take some Pepto. Getting old is a goddamned shame.)

Obama and the South Side 1, Royals-Hillary-McCain 0

What happened to Greinke last night? Oh well. Hopefully it was just one random, bumpy outing.

At least Teahen hit a jack -- to the opposite field, of course.

So who do we pick in the draft tomorrow?

Wow! Obama can give a freakin speech! We only agree intellectually with half of it. But this is a man who is standing on the shoulders of King Jr. and Lincoln. His place in American history is assured. (This is the power of words, the power of inspiration, things we have been sadly missing in this country for too long.) Nobody else is going to come within miles of this act. You'll be telling your grandchildren about this election, whether you're bitter about it or not. Go America!

(Wait, we forgot, Obama lost and Hillary won. Whatever. Time to ignore her and her husband. Thank God they're finally done.)

McCain is going to need a smaller boat (and somebody younger than 75 to row it). Did you see/hear his speech? Oh my.

P.S. We just heard Limbaugh's take on Obama's speech and now we take back everything we said earlier. As speech's go, this one was obviously a stinker.

Two posts in one day!

We're on fire! And this one is actually about the Royals (actually the retro Royals).

In 1982, U.L. Washington hit .286/.338/.412 with 10 HR, 23 stolen bases and 60 RBI. U.L. was mostly known for the toothpick thing, and we remember him mostly as a back-up, pinch runner type, but what we wouldn't give to have a U.L. Washington clone playing shortstop every day for these Royals.

We met U.L. one time when he was trying to get into his Cadillac. Even though his very fat wife was yelling at him, he came over and gave us his autograph.

P.S. Willie Mays Aikens is free! Starting tomorrow.

P.P.S. We're going to get the White Sox radio broadcast tonight. That can be brutal.

More tokes for old folks

Optional headline: Just because you're paranoid, don't mean they're not after you

Or: We have not yet begun to defile ourselves

We're going to go ahead and order Big Donkeys' T-shirts (Royals Fans Do It Donkey Style, TM) for the regular commentators on this blog: Sconie, Dan Holden, Scott and Annonymous. Are we missing anyone? Keep in mind that we were going to go ahead and renew our passport two years ago, and we just got around to it.

Apparently you need a passport to go to Canada these days. In July, we're driving from Dallas to Calgary in a rented Dodge Caravan with a semi-famous folk-rock musician from the 1960s and 1970s. This is for work. We are taking our laptop but posts to this blog will be erratic in late July. (The good thing is that we can blast a "Royals" dispatch from Fargo or Moose Jaw, wherever.)

We don't really want to say any more about where we work, who we work with, or what we do (mainly because we've never really figured out what it is we actually do). Somehow, we're convinced that we're going to get into some kind of trouble eventually for this stupid blog. Probably when we run for congress.

We do want you to watch THIS (it's very funny):



P.S. Obama is a terrible general election candidate. He's suddenly got all kinds of baggage. He's not a good debator. But he's going to win IT based almost entirely on the speech he gives at the Decomcrat Convention. You watch. He's a one-trick pony. But that one trick is a very, very good one.

P.P.S. No more war pigs! Oh Lord, yeah!

P.P.P.S. Val Kilmer, even though (and especially because) we've heard he's an asshole, should win the Best Actor award every year for the rest of our lives for that performance years ago in Tombstone.

When is Big Donkey Bobblehead night?

What happened to the Indians?

Before the season started, we predicted that TPJ would be the worst offensive player in Major League Baseball this year. In retrospect, that was kind of like predicting that George Bush was going to be the worst president in history again this year. What we could have never predicted was that the Royals were planning a Tony Pena Junior Bobblehead giveaway. Seriously. It's Sept. 6. (If TPJ is still on the team by then, we're all doomed.)

We haven't checked yet -- Is Billy Butler hitting with any power up there in Nebraska?

Maybe we should trade for Chris Duncan and stick him at first. He strikes out a lot, but he definitely has power. Also, we need another RH bat somewhere. And a SS.

Nate Silver of Baseball Prospectus has a political blog filled with tons of stats, charts, maps, win percentages, and son on. If you're a political junkie, check it out.