New project

So every morning we wake up with a song in our head. We realize this isn't unusual. What is strange is that we don't own a clock radio and these songs seem to bubble up from sleepy unconsciousness without a logical prompt. But EVERY morning a different random song gets stuck in our head while we're getting ready for work. There is no accounting for taste here, and we're not responsible for the morning random play selections in our head. It could be anything from "Rock Steady" by the Whispers to "Long Hot Summer Days" by John Hartford to some song we once learned at Vacation Bible School. Anyway, we have decided to keep track of the morning songs here, starting in earnest every day next week. Maybe it will give us some sort of twisted insight into our psyche. Maybe the songs are trying to tell us something, maybe they'll start to occur in some sort of pattern, maybe they'll repeat at some point like Pi and reveal the secrets to the universe?

Anyway, a blog is supposed to be more or less a stream of consciousness, or unconsciousness, right?

P.S. This morning's song, for no apparent reason, was "Cherry Bomb" by John Couger Mellencamp ("That's when a smoke was a smoke/and groovin was groovin...").

P.P.S. Yes, we'll eventually get back to the Royals at some point.

Royals, toe fungus and nymphomaniacs

Does it seem like the free agent signings are taking longer than ever before? It feels like the Royals are pretty much done, but there's got to be a flurry of baseball acquisitions in the coming weeks, and we bet the Royals still make a trade or two.

We had a rough Christmas. 2008 went pretty well for us -- until the last three months.

We have never made official New Year's resolutions before -- although we did vow to finally go to the dentist in 2008, and we actually went through with that. Anyway, here are our documented resolutions for 2009:

Go fishing more.

Make more money somehow. (Given the current situation, this one should probably just read: Stay employed.)

Cure cancer. Or find remedy for toe fungus.

Take son to Royals game.

Take son to Chiefs game and sit in front row.

Drink less. Eat better. Sleep more.

Stay away from nymphomaniacs. Unless it's necessary.

Don't fall for anymore liberal arts majors. (Try a hard-core anthropologist or something.)

Stop doing ex-wife's odd jobs.

Get new home base with backyard and dog.

Finish novel.

P.S. Junior is in Dallas with his mom. Today he is going to see the King Tut exhibit. We are jealous. We hate Dallas but we'd really like to see that King Tut exhibit.

We don't have any statistical evidence to back any of this up

There's a good thread over at Royals Corner called "Who will unexpectedly pitch well in the pen?" We think the following guys will overachieve: Bale, Waechter, Rosa and Tejeda. We expect Farnsworth to shit the bed. He is going to be this coming year's Tomko. We can't really see HoRam having a very good year either. Soria will probably be the Soria we have come to know and love so quickly, but it would be hard for him to be as good as he was last year.

So who do you think will have surprising seasons out of the rotation? We like Davies to really step it up. And we think Greinke will be a Cy Young candidate. Meche should be about the same, which would be fine with us. Oh, and Hochevar should improve steadily. We don't know what to think about Banny.

Actually, that rotation sounds pretty solid, doesn't it? Remember when we were putting all our hopes into guys like Danny Reichert, Denny Bautista, Jeremy Affeldt, Darrelly May, Chrissy George..............?!

Who are your all-time favorite worst pitchers for the Royals?

Now the offense. We think Crisp and Jacobs will have better seasons than smart Royals fans think. We think Collaspo will be really solid but not get much credit. We think Gordon will go apeshit on the league. We think Dejesus will be great but get hurt. We think Guillen will be worth more money than last year. And we think Aviles will come back to Earth.

What do you think?

P.S. There's also a funny thread at Royals Corner right now that was started by some guy called HoRambo.

P.P.S. Davies works as a construction laborer in the off-season.

Nothing here you don't already know

Well, Furcal is not coming to KC. Jose Guillen better drive in a lot of runs and stay relatively cool in the clubhouse in 2009.

Meanwhile, Gathright signed with the Cubs. And Bale is back with the Royals.

Something's got to give with the lefties in the pen. We've got Mahay, Bale, Gobble and HoRam. And Musser is still on the farm, right? Everybody assumes Gobble will be the one to go, but we think there might yet be a trade involving Mahay.

We think Buck might yet be traded this winter, too.

Then there's still the logjam at 1B. Something's also got to give there. And you know Dayton doesn't want to start the year with Aviles at SS. He wants to get a new SS, shift Aviles to 2B, and use Callaspo off the bench. Which means German would be a goner.

Once Dayton gets a defensive position switch in his head (Dejesus to LF), you can bet it will happen eventually. We just pray that DM doesn't trade Greinke to the Braves in order to acquire his young SS.

Anyway, we pretty much know who the main position players, and pitching staff for that matter, will be. So here's our guess for the bench: Teahen, Gload, Pena (C), Collaspo.

If we could somehow dump gload for a RH OF/IB bat with pop, or just replace him with Shealy, it would look pretty good. We still assume Butler is the DH, but DM has been threatening him with that option to Omaha...

P.S. It might take Dayton another year to get Aviles off SS. In that case, it would be Collaspo at 2B and either German or Tony Pena as the bench MI.

Winter Meetings update

So we signed a meathead for the bullpen and nobody likes it because he makes too much money or whatever. We don't care. We're still waiting for that Furcal deal to go down.

The Tigers and White Sox are in steep decline (probably). The Twins and Indians aren't made of money. Whatever you think about DM and Glass -- they appear to be going for it, more or less, THIS YEAR. (This year, as in 2009.) As Donnie Baker would say, "I swear to God they are." As a Royals fan, even if you're skeptical of the moves, this has to be a refreshing thing.

Oh, we also resigned HoRam for too much money and probably got a few other guys.

P.S. As Royal Prick noted in the comments section of the previous post, Big Donkeys predicted two weeks ago that Furcal would sign with KC. We'll see. We also predicted the Coco Crisp thing a long time ago, but we don't want to brag.

P.P.S. We're pretty sure Meathead is going to be the subject of a lot of our angst in 09. But that's OK. It'll be fun.

Wonder if George Brett is at the Bellagio this week?

Well, we went into the field yesterday to interview a real-life sewer astronaut for a "Dirty Jobs" story we're working on. The stench coming out of the open manhole was just awful; we're still gagging. So, anyway, here's a hilarious video (keep the sound down at work) for you to laugh at while we're waiting for some verifiable Royals news to come out of Vegas (where we hope nobody shits their pants)...

Econ 101

We lost our new reading glasses, so yesterday we went to the local pharmacy/optical store to get a new pair. We weren't feeling well and we wanted to lay on the couch and read, so we really needed another pair of reading glasses. An older man in this small-town ma and pa pharmacy place helped us find a pair we liked. But as he was cleaning the lenses, he found a small crack. We offered to buy them anyway; they were cheap. He said he couldn't sell them but that we could have them if we wanted. This is the kind of small-town consumer experience that is going the way of the dinosaur, and we're going to miss it. Not too long ago in this same small town, we dropped our car off at the dealer for an oil change and another minor problem. But then we decided we needed to get out of town because Grandpa died. We called the dealer guy and told him that we needed to pick up the car as soon as possible due to a death in the family. By the time we got there, this guy had our car out front and told us to take care of our business and not to worry about the bill. We usually can't stand car dealers, but this kind of stuff goes a long way. (So we bought four new, expensive tires from the dealer guy a few months later.)

So as we were driving away from the ma and pa pharmacy place yesterday with our free (albeit slightly cracked) reading glasses, we noticed some construction across the street. It was a new Walgreens going up. Well, we'll continue to take our business to the old place, thank you, as long as they're still in business.

Hook, line and sinker...We succumbed to gin

We got the permanent incisor crown today. Now we have two very large and pointy incisors again. This is good. We hear the vampire look is in.

If you're a Royals fan, you've probably already seen the following You Tube. But we would be remiss if we didn't post it here.



On some level, we must be trying to emulate our hero above. After drinking too much gin the other night, we pissed ourself. No kidding. It's nothing to be proud of, for sure, but we can't deny it. This had never happened before. The warmness was felt streaming down our leg before we could process what was happening. So we just relaxed and let nature take its course. Pure gin. It was like a catharsis. We didn't even feel hung over in the morning.

Yes, I eat cow...I am not proud

This is the new message on the dry erase board in my office. We had forgotten about these lyrics, which come from an obscure song on Nirvana's first album. But Junior was listening to the album the other day, and a lot of the songs came back to us. As for the new dry erase board message, it was either going to be this or "I'm a negative creep and I'm stoned." But we figured the latter wasn't really appropriate for work.

Here are some of our favorite Paul Simon lyrics (which happen to be about Carrie Fisher):

She comes back to tell me she's gone,
As if I didn't know that
As if I didn't know my own bed,
As if I'd never noticed,
The way she brushed her hair from her forehead.

We really like that song. Hell, we really like Carrie Fisher.

We also really like Zack Greinke, who really likes his Chipotle burritos. But it's starting to sound more and more like Greinke is gone. As if we never noticed the way he kicks the dirt on the pitcher's mound.

P.S. Here's a new short story. We misspelled DiMaggio's name (ugh) but they're supposed to be fixing it online.

P.P.S. In addition to cow, we also eat turkey. But it's going to be a little harder this year after viewing that Sarah Palin turkey-killing video that's been circulating on the internets.

The English Major

Instead of grading papers, we read Jim Harrison's novel The English Major this weekend while bored to death at the swim meet. The main character is 60, but we really relate to him. His wife cheats on him at a high school reunion, then leaves him, sells all of their property, and gives him 10 percent. He, of course, just accepts this as the price of doing business and getting predictably screwed over. He decides to jump in the car and just drive around the country and contemplate being an old geezer. Along the way, he takes up with one of his ex-students, a young and beautiful and smart and crazy nymphomaniac, even though he really just wants to be alone and think about women and farming and dogs and birds and fish and the stupidity of cell phones. At first, the beautiful young nymphomaniac makes him feel young again. But, true to nature, she just makes him really feel his age after a while. Here is our favorite line from this novel: "A woman in a hammock is always faithful. It's a question of physics not morals." It's not really a great novel, but, like we said, we relate to it. And that is a pretty good line (actually two sentences, but whatever).

Big Donkeys' Unlikely Prediction of the Week: Royals sign Furcal for four years, 48 milion.

Is David Dejesus a 100 RBI guy in 09?

We are off to Columbia later today for a weekend swim meet (ugh). We'll of course be eating and drinking at Shakespeare's. It's just the thing to do. We might also sneak away Saturday night after everyone's asleep and try to recapture past glory out on the town. Oh, who are we kidding? We'll be snoring by the 10 o'clock news. Anyway, most of the old places have changed.

Posnanski has some very compelling things to say about David Dejesus near the end of this post.

This just in: Rob Neyer hates every move the Royals make, especially when they are acquiring productive major leaguers like Gil Meche and Coco Crisp instead of prospects like, say, Justin Huber or Denny Bautista.

We're fine with getting as many prospects as possible. But it's not a crime for the Royals to have some proven veterans. Glass can afford them. It's not like Wal-Mart is GM or something.

Let's go, Coco!

This is from an old Posnanski interview with Bill James.

POSNANSKI: I know you thought that Coco Crisp had a terrific year defensively last year — you sent a few of us an excited email about your general amazement. You are obviously pretty well known for being logical and searching for answers and so on, but you also are an emotional fan: Did you get a whole new feeling about centerfield defense watching Coco?

BILL JAMES: I wouldn’t say so exactly. It was more like this: that for almost three months, every time there was a ball that you didn’t know whether the center fielder could make a play or not, he did. After about two months of this you started to relax when somebody hit a screaming line drive into the gap, figuring Coco would run it down because he always did. It was more like a long series of successes than a revelation.

P.S. Does the practice of trading human beings for other human beings ever seem a little weird to anybody else? Outside of sports and slavery and possibly prostitution, does this happen anywhere else?

You know me, Al

Have been grading LOTS of research papers lately. Sentence fragments haunting the mind. Should be a Scan-Tron tool for English teachers. Went to Chiefs game Sunday, sat in front row seats as usual. Saw the Stealth fly over again. Awesome. Got lots of close-up pictures of cheerleaders, but can't figure out how to get them out of phone and into computer. Another loss for the Chiefs. Also, another trade rumor involving Teahen, this time to the Cubs. We'll see. Still in a funk lately. Ended pseudo-relationship with hot woman-girl. Will probably regret.

P.S. Forgot to mention, ate Gates. Gates is good.

P.P.S. APPARENTLY THE ROYALS HAVE JUST TRADED FOR COCO CRISP, GIVING UP RAM-RAM. We loves it. Crisp is a GREAT CF, goood (decent) OBP guy with some pop, and a switch-hitter. And his name is COCO CRISP. Starting to get a little worried about the bullpen though.

Drill, baby, drill!

Just got back from the dentist. I think he was Sarah Palin's cousin, and one of our incisors was ANWR territory. Smoke is still shooting out our mouth and possibly ears. The left side of our face, our left eye-lid, some brain matter, and left ear are numb. We are slobbering onto the keyboard. That is all.

Who could have guessed that newspapers were dying and that car companies in the U.S. don't have a clue?

We're not finding much about the KC Star firings in the KC Star. Jeffrey Flanagan would probably have the scoop, but, well, you know...

Elsewhere, from Thomas Friedman today:

Somebody ought to call Steve Jobs, who doesn’t need to be bribed to do innovation, and ask him if he’d like to do national service and run a car company for a year.

Read the full column in the New York Times.

Maybe Jobs would like to run the KC Star, or the KC Royals, or the KC Chiefs, or the KSU Wildcats, or the Treasury Department?

Adam Smith was wrong

Happy Birthday to me and to Charlie Manson and to Kurt Vonnegut, wherever you are. Say thanks to your veterans today, and tip your waitresses.

Junior and I watched the original Chevy Chase Vacation twice this past weekend.

We're going to Kansas City this coming weekend. We're thinking about running over to Manhattan for the KSU-Nebraska game. We're guessing that Ron Prince will be extra bold and daring from now on. Regardless, we're going to the Chiefs-Saints game Sunday. Maybe the Chiefs will win one.

We're starting to get worried about the talk coming out of KC regarding the Royals off-season. The only reason we were OK with the Jacobs deal is because we thought it was just the start of a lot of activity. But, hey, at least we re-signed Brandon Duckworth.

Surely KC will be in on some deals and acquisitions during the winter meetings.

All of this talk about socialism and taxes and economic theory has us thinking about John Nash. Remember that scene in A Beautiful Mind where Nash has an epiphany involving the girls in the bar? Basically, he tells his friends to ignore the really beautiful girl in the group and to pay extra attention to her non-ugly friends. That way all of the guys get laid. Well, we subscribe to this theory of economics and we also apply it to Big Market versus Small Market basesball. Everybody should ignore A-Rod and pay extra attention to the Royals and Pirates. That way, everybody but Madonna benefits. Or something like that.



P.S. Check out this bloodbath at the KC Star.

We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to make real the promises of democracy.

– Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.


The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children.

– Ezekiel 25:17


I’d say the average person wouldn’t eat a Chipotle burrito and still do his running...full speed...like me. That’s why they call me special.

– Zack Greinke

Election Eve in the Armpit of the Ozarks

Well, we went to see Obama Saturday in Springfield. We met some friends who were near the front of the line at 3 p.m. We drank airplane bottles of vodka and Southern Comfort while the kids ran around. It was fun. We were among the first 200 or so people who got inside the venue at 6:30 p.m. We situated ourselves about 15 feet from the podium. The kids, who had been up all night the night before, laid down on the football field to take a nap. Then the crowd kept coming and coming. It soon became clear that we were trapped in our spots for the duration of the event. Luckily the kids had gone to the bathroom on the way in. Apparently, the line outside stretched from Parkview H.S. all the way to Bass Pro. (All told, some 30,000 showed up.) After several boring speakers, including the biggest doofus in politics, Jay Nixon, and the competent Claire McCaskill, Michele Obama FINALLY came on stage about 9:30 p.m. She was soon joined by her beautiful kids and then by Barack.

We tried to lift Junior up to see, but he's getting big. We sorta had him situated on our back for a while, but we eventually gave up during Sen. Obama's speech. It didn't help matters that the starting five for the Lakers was standing in front of us, and everybody was waving those stupid campaign signs. By the time Obama's speech was halfway over, the kids were zombies. The youngest girl was weeping. We'd been there forever without food or water and no way to move even a foot in any direction. Then one of the kids started to get sick. Somehow, thanks to the help of a security guard, they got him out of the crowd before he tossed his Halloween candy. He was still very sick later on when we saw him in the parking lot.

After Obama stopped speaking, we tried to find a way off the field. But there was only one narrow path of escape. We chose to hop a fence. Junior and I didn't have much of a problem, but we had to rescue one of the ladies who freaked out in mid-climb. Back in the parking lot, FINALLY, there was a monumental traffic jam. Junior and I said screw it, left our car where it was, and started walking. We had about a five-mile hike, but we were finally FREE.

On the long walk home, Junior said he was going to write about his Saturday on Monday (today) in class. The whole thing had made a big impression on him. He said he was going to write all about climbing over the fence and walking across town at midnight. What an adventure. Apparently, the part about seeing the next president of the United States was a very minor part of the story and would only be mentioned in his paper in order to set up the parts about the fence and the journey home through Middle Earth. We are very proud of Junior.

P.S. Sorry. Broke out of the Royal We for a moment there. That's harder to manage than you think.

P.P.S. I share these sentiments about the Jacobs trade.

The start of major changes now happening

The Royals might have a new Big Donkey by the time you read this. Unfortunately, Jacobs' arrival will almost surely mean the departure of our very own man-child Big Donkey Billy Butler. We just hope the Royals actually make a good trade involving Billy. We still need more offense. We need a CF and a SS and a C. We still need more power. Specifically, we need to gain right-handed power. We need to lose Gload.

P.S. We will eventually have more news on our mid-life crisis, which has actually spawned a number of productive things and a couple of wild ideas. We got reading glasses. We bought four new tires for the car. We made a dentist appointment, finally, to get our cracked tooth fixed. We are afraid to mention some other things.

Mark Teahen will forever be known as that guy from the Moneyball book

Well, the trade winds are already blowin. Word on the street is that Teahen might get dealt to Cleveland for F. Gutierrez (sp). Apprently Gut is an outstanding CF with upside. Apparently the Injuns need a new 3B. We hate to see Teahen go, but we all know it's got to happen. This, however, is only a preview of the crazy winter that awaits. This trade alone would be almost beside the point. The Royals need offense and they need power production. Moore has seemed determined to get Dejesus out of CF for whatever reasons. We're guessing David's name comes up in trade talks soon, along with Butler and maybe Buck. Also, Moore reportedly tried to trade for Marlins 1B Jacobs last week. It should get really interesting once the World Series is over.

So here are our favorite non-fiction books (or at least the ones that come immediately to mind): The Electric Kool Aid Acid Test (Tom Wolfe), Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail 1972 (Hunter Thompson), Into the Wild (John Krakauer), Life on the Mississippi (Mark Twain), Killing Yourself to Live (Chuck Klosterman), Undaunted Courage (Stephen Ambrose), The Catcher Was a Spy (Nicholas Dawidoff), Can't Anybody Here Play This Game (Jimmy Breslin), Genius: The Life and Science of Richard Feynman (James Gleick), Cod: A Biography of the Fish that Saved the World (Mark Kurlansky), Seven Years in Tibet (Heinrich Harrer), Moneyball (Michael Lewis), Wonderland Avenue (Danny Sugarman), The Autobiography of Alice B. Toklas (Gertrude Stein), A Moveable Feast (Ernest Hemingway).

Thoughts? Also, don't forget to tell us what your favorite novels are (see below).

P.S. Somebody needs to write an aggressive book about volcanoes, specifically about the sleeping giants, from Shasta to Baker, in the Cascade Range. We love volcanoes.

P.P.S. Junior and I went to see W. this weekend. We liked it. Dubya comes off as being a sympathetic, bumbling character who is in way over his head -- but he also is very good about some things: he understands the power of religion, he's not a wimp, and he's genuinely likeable in a loyal friend sort of way. Cheney and Rummy come off as evil. The Condoleeza character is unwatchable, and she almost ruins the whole film.

It was love at first sight

While we're waiting for the political season to end (and for the Hot Stove League to commence), here's something non-political to chew on. Because this is not a Red America or a Blue America. Because we're all real Americans who value literature, some of us more than others. If we're going to heal this country, we really need to have an open and frank discussion about elitist literature. ANYWAY, the communist blogger over at Higher Ed Marketing (it just sounds elitist) has posted his Top 5 novels of all time. (It's no accident that one of the novels is by a Russian author.) The genesis of this post had to do with this list of the 75 novels that all real men should read. (Sarah Palin has read ALL of them.) We left a comment over at Higher Ed with our Top 5 novel picks, and we suggest you do the same.

But since you're already here, we'll go ahead and reveal our picks in a minute. You should know that we like to go back and read the first sentences of all of our favorite books. We just grab them off the shelf as we're walking by and read the first sentence real quick, and then we put the book back and go to the bathroom or grab a beer from the fridge or whatever. Anyway, we're including the first sentence (or two) for each of these.

1. On the Road, Jack Kerouac

I first met Dean not long after my wife and I split up. I had just gotten over a serious illness that I won't bother to talk about, except that it had something to do with the miserably weary split-up and my feeling that everything was dead.

2. Suttre, Cormac McCarthy

Dear friend now in the dusty clockless hours of the town when the streets lie black and streaming in the wake of the watertrucks and now when the drunk and the homeless have washed up in the lee of walls in alleys or abandoned lots and cats go forth highshouldered and lean in the grim perimeters about, now in these sootblacked brick or cobbled corridors where lightwire shadows make a gothic harp of cellar doors no soul shall walk save you.

3. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, Mark Twain

You don't know about me without you have read a book by the name of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer; but that ain't no matter.

4. Sometimes a Great Notion, Ken Kesey

Along the western slopes of the Oregon Coastal Range...come look: the hysterical crashing of tributaries as they merge into the Wakonda Auga River...

5. Catch-22, Joseph Heller

It was love at first sight. The first time Yossarian saw the chaplain he fell madly in love with him.

Honorable Mention -- Confederacy of Dunces, Brothers Karamazov, Lonesome Dove, any Kurt Vonnegut novel, and Raymond Carver's short stories.

Looking forward to seeing your picks.

P.S. To be honest, sometimes the beginning of a great novel doesn't grab you for whatever reason. Sometimes you're not sure why you're investing time in the work at hand. Then something incredible grabs you by the booboo and you become fully engaged. In Suttre, it's when the kid gets caught fucking the watermelon in the watermelon patch. In Sometimes a Great Notion, it's when Leland puts his head in the oven and blows up the kitchen but fails to kill himself. In Blood Meridian, which is a bloody hard read, the pay off doesn't come until near the very end, in the bar...the scene with the dancing bear. It's hard to breathe while reading that book, but when somebody yells, He shot the fucking bear, the whole novel is redeemed.

P.P.S. Maybe we'll list our Top 5 non-fiction books next week.

Everybody knows Bill James is a genius

Bill James says the Royals COULD win 85 to 90 games next year. We'll take it!

We are looking forward to the off-season moves. We can't wait for this World Series between the Buccaneers and the Athletics to end.

P.S. Is the current meltdown by the Chiefs entire organization worse than anything the Royals have been through over the years? Probably not. But it's pretty bad.

The Squirrel Incident

So we realized on Day 2 of the Great Mid-Life Crisis that we weren't at the beginning or middle of the crises; we are actually coming to the END of the crisis. We've spent years and years gallavanting around like an idiot with one foot in the middle class and the other somewhere in Bohemia. At some point this past weekend, we abruptly decided to actually move forward and forget about pretending like we are who we wanted to be. We thought we knew exactly what we were doing the whole time, but maybe now we are just coming out of the fog.

The entire epiphany must have had something to do with our brother's pet squirrel.

During the day, our brother lets Elmer play in the trees. When our brother gets home from work, he calls to Elmer and Elmer comes back to him. This weekend, our brother brought Elmer from KC to Springfield. He let him play in the trees in our parents' back yard. But many hours went by, and Elmer didn't respond to our brother's calls. Our brother sadly resigned himself to the reality that Elmer had probably found a friend and, besides, he was probably better off in a more natural environment anyway.

The next night, we are all eating steak at the dinner table. Suddenly our father's eyes get very big and he jumps out of his seat like his ass is on fire. "Squirrel!" yells our father. Elmer, of course, has somehow gotten inside and has jumped up on the old man's shoulder. Our brother, who has finished his steak, quickly grabs Elmer and heads for the door. "This will increase my chances of getting laid tonight," says Brother.

At this moment, we must have had an epiphany brought on by the squirrel incident. Though, to be truthful, it probably had more to do with what had happened the night before.

We can't blame this funk on Mizzou

Our mid-life crisis has been simmering for years, but now it's boiling over. We don't have enough money to buy a Corvette, and hair plugs are stupid, so we'll just be grumpy and depressed for a while. Then we'll probably make some kind of dramatic change in life that puts us on a new and terrifyingly absurd course. It seems like women handle these kind of funks much more efficiently. They just get men to move furniture around the house. It always makes them feel better to watch someone else move the heaviest object in the house through the narrowest hallways, around the most difficult corners, and into the room where it used to be before you moved it into that other room a few weeks ago. Then, when you start muttering and complaining, they refer to you as "Grumpy Old John McCain over there..." Then they tease you about breathing hard and they want to know if you should rest. Then there's a whole bunch of other stuff that's starting to piss you off. And before you know it, you're in full blown mid-life crisis mode. It's not funny!

Country in the crapper, Joe The Plumber to the rescue

We're going to miss Crazyfarts McBombs and Sideshow Moosetits and Joe The Plumber, especially after Nancy Pelosi and the new president, That One, make us stand in bread lines and pay higher taxes on everything. Seriously, it's hard to imagine the Dems not taking this thing way too far once they have complete control over what's left of the world. As long as they don't take away our fishing poles and XM radio, we'll survive.

This is called a pivot. Now that it looks like Obama is going to win in a landslide, we no longer have to be totally in the tank for him.

P.S. We stole Crazyfarts McBombs and Sideshow Moosetits from a blog somewhere, probably Wonkette, because those fuckers make us laugh.

P.P.S. Now that the country is in the crapper, it's nice to know we can count on Joe The Plumber.

Did the Tigers just get Pinkled?

The next time Mizzou's on the 1-yard line, they'd better put Daniel up under center for the first time in his life and run a QB sneak.

We are obviously down on the Tigers, but they have an immediate chance to rehabilitate this thing Saturday against Texas.

The Big 12 has some amazing offenses. Defenses, not so much.

Oklahoma and Mizzou got exposed. (And Chase just lost the Heisman.)

We watched Juno yesterday. Nice movie. Every movie made should make you reflect on actual life a little. Not too many of them try to make you reflect at all.

Have we ever mentioned that, long ago, we used to be a big St. Louis Cardinals Football fan? For us, it was always the Royals in baseball and the Cardinals in football. The Cardiac Cards broke our heart when they moved to Arizona. But it's always nice to see the dark red jerseys on TV against an old NFC East opponent, especially when it's the Cowboys. And it's nice to see the Football Cardinals win.

P.S. Junior won an individual medley (fly, backstroke, breast stroke, free) this weekend against older competition from Missouri, Kansas and Arkansas. He's a closer, like a race horse that finishes strong. That makes these races very exciting. He also finished third in the backstroke (out of about 25) and fourth in the freestyle. Did we mention that the kids he's swimming against are older than he is?

P.P.S. If Junior keeps swimming all over the Midwest and beyond, we're going to have to buy a Winnebego. As it stands, we hang around for hours, waiting for the next event. If we had a Winnebego, we could be out in the parking lot drinking beer and watching football.

Rany on Osama and Obama

Nate Silver's wildly popular blog, fivethirtyeight, features an in-depth guest post by Royals Nation's favorite writer/dermatologist/Muslim today. The topic is the likelihood of an October surprise from Osama bin Laden:

When bin Laden declared war on the United States, it was in the hope that the United States would declare war in return – not just on him, but on the entire Muslim world. He wanted war, the bigger and more protracted the better. He wanted the Clash of Civilizations. He wanted, in a very literal sense, The End of Days. He didn’t have the firepower or resources to trigger the apocalypse himself, so he baited someone who did – the United States of America.

Basically, Rany thinks Osama wants McCain to win, just like Osama wanted Bush to win four years ago, because Osama wants war to continue until we reach the apocalypse. The best way for Osama to get his way, of course, is by telling the world that he's for Obama right before the election. Read the entire thing here.

P.S. A New York erotic magazine wants to publish this painting. They also wanted to feature more of our art work in a gallery. We were forced to tell them that we have no training and that we live in the Ozarks and that we've still only painted two boob pictures, that both of them were painted on scrap pieces of old cardboard with cheap watercolors, and that one of them's not very good anyway. They encouraged us to paint more. They must think we are some kind of idiot savant.

P.P.S. The whole thing with the New York erotic magazine has inspired us (ironically?) to go back to work on a children's story we keep threatening to write. Our friend Rob, who really should post here, came up with the title: "The Unpredictable Adventures of Bi-Polar Bear."

Sooners predicted to win Redneck Shootout

Until proven otherwise, the Sooners continue to be more than seven points better than Texas. (We think Oklahoma State and Texas Tech will give the Sooners every bit as much fight as the Longhorns do.) So, yeah, we're picking Oklahoma (minus 7) in the Redneck Shootout.

We'll take Baylor (minus 4) at home over Iowa State.

In the week's best match-up of pathetic teams, we'll hold our nose and take KSU (minus 3) over A&M.

OK. Here's the one you've been waiting for Tiger fans. We are officially nervous about this week's contest against Okie State. We'd be even more nervous if the game was in Stillwater instead of Columbia. The Tigers defense WILL be tested this weekend. We think Mizzou will win the game, but we'll take OSU (plus 13) to cover the spread. We'll also take the over on this game.

Texas Tech is going to kill the Huskers. Take Tech and give up the three touchdowns. We love it when the Huskers suck.

Kansas almost got upset last weekend in Ames. We look for them to rebound and beat Colorado by slightly more than 14 points at home.

Nottingham mini-manifesto

Robin Hood and The Good Samaritan are the two most enduring stories of my life. As a kid, I wore out two great big vinyl records that imbedded Disney's version of Robin Hood into my brain.

Robin Hood and Little John
Walkin' through the forest
Laughin' back and forth
At what the other'ne has to say
Reminiscin', This-'n'-thattin'
Havin' such a good time
Oo-de-lally, Oo-de-lally
Golly, what a day!

At some point, though, I learned that sharing and helping others was just a load of crap that they shove down kids' throats. As you get older, you're supposed to get tougher. It's a dog-eat-dog world. Things are cut-throat out there. You are judged by how much you can get for yourself. Those old stories are just stories. Nobody practices what they preach.

Well, fuck that. I'm still down with Robin Hood and The Good Samaritan.

That is probably why I've worked in academia and the non-profit sector most of my life. I still believe in the stories! I have managed to make a meager living out of words. How cool is that? I believe in the power of words and stories. They last a hell of a lot longer than a promotion at work or a new condo. They last a lot longer than facts.

Sometimes I do PR work. This means I have to twist the facts in order to make the stories better. I am OK with that, as long as I am selling a narrative I believe in. I wouldn't last a day in the corporate world. Their idea of a good story is always a big cardboard check and a ribbon cutting with really big scissors. They think big cardboard checks and ridiculously big scissors are fantastic stories! They think people love this stuff! They take the picture, pat themselves on the back, write a really crappy news release, and then go to lunch at Applebees.

What a joke.

So what's better than oversized cardboard checks and really big scissors? I'll tell you what: a three-legged dog story. The Three-Legged Dog Story is almost as good as the Robin Hood Story and The Good Samaritan Story. You can learn a lot about humanity from three-legged dogs. You can't learn anything positive about humanity from the corporate world.

Sometimes I still vote for Republicans, though, because capitalism is important to the country. But, in addition to being good competitors, any candidate I support must have a solid command of language in order to create a compelling narrative.

I believe in competition as a way to get the animal out. This is why I love sports. I've always been super competitive when it comes to sports, but I don't really believe in being competitive outside the parameters of a game.

I have always treated politics as a game. But this time my love of competition is spilling out into my real world. I am angry. I am no longer objective. This, in fact, is not a game. For the first time, I don't see an acceptable alternative to winning. The story that is being written this time is history. That has always been the case with presidential elections, of course, but the narrative for this one is as powerfully important as it's ever been.

Will there be redemption? Have we learned any lessons? Which candidate knows how to tell a three-legged dog story and which one is trying to sell us the big cardboard check?

One candidate will be accused of stealing from the rich in order to give to the poor. So be it. He will also be accused of helping those who can't help themselves. Good for him. Yes, he still believes in the good stories, for better or worse. More importantly, he knows how to live them.

P.S. Now I am convinced that I have gone completely over the moon and have become one of those idealistic hippies that I’ve always hated so much. At least I’m not lazy most of the time. Still, I'm going back to the Royal We next time, because there's safety in numbers.

P.P.S. McCain's POW story is a great Three-Legged Dog Story, but he went and allowed Sarah Palin and others to stupidly shoot the damn dog with a high-powered rifle.

P.P.P.S. The only candidate I ever voted for who did not have a good command of the English language was George W. Bush. Look how that turned out.

Fear the Tiger

Big Donkeys' Big 12 Power Rankings:

1. Oklahoma
1a. Mizzou
3. Texas Tech
4. Texas
5. Oklahoma State
6. Kansas
7. Colorado
8. Baylor
9. Iowa State
10. Nebraska
11. Kansas State
12. Texas A&M

NOTE: Numbers 1 and 1a are also the two best teams in the country.

An ounce of perception, a pound of obscure

We have devised our own detailed off-season plan for the Royals. It is very bold and full of existential contingencies. You should know that part of the plan involves trading Butler and Dejesus, among others. We have identified three teams as the most desirable trading partners: Boston, Colorado, and Florida.

Everybody got mixed feelings about the function and the form. Everybody got to deviate from the norm.

Everybody got reverse polarity.

Our mind has been very active and fertile of late. We have come up with possibly the best porn character ever: Hugh Mungus. We can see it now: “Living Large,” starring Hugh Mungus, Tony N. Dowd, and Cheri Mathers as The Beaver.

On a more PC note: we have decided to go to a Halloween party as Flavor Flav. We’re going to buy one of those Viking helmets at a flea market, put a big clock on a chain and wear it around our neck, and paint one of our teeth gold.

P.S. So who will be the new hitting coach next season? We nominate Slugrrrrr. Because the Royals could really use at least one slugger in a non-mascot capacity.

Then you find you're back in Vegas

Let's handicap the Big 12 games this weekend. These picks are for entertainment purposes only, and crappy past results are an excellent indicator of future success.

We'll take KSU plus 7 over Texas Tech. But this is a ridiculous pick, and we think YOU should take Tech and the over.

We are taking Mizzou over Nebraska and giving about 11 points. We'd actually give about 30 points.

Colorado upset Oklahoma last year in Boulder. And the Buffaloes have looked good so far this season. That's why we're picking Texas to go on the road and beat Colorado by more than 13 this week.

We love Baylor's freshman quarterback. He will be in the emergency room by the end of the third quarter -- but we're taking the Bears to cover the 24-point spread at home against the Sooners.

Texas A&M really sucks. Oklahoma State doesn't. Take the Cowboys and lay the 24 points.

UPSET SPECIAL: Iowa State 29, Kansas 24.

P.S. What got into the Chiefs last week? Maybe we'll have to go out to Arrowhead this season, after all. We've got seats in the front row! Really. And they only cost $100 bucks, plus $400 for parking, $250 for a brat, and $1,199 for a beer.

P.P.S. Did we mention that we have been working on special relationships for years with several of the Chiefs cheerleaders?

P.P.P.S. Our brother in Kansas City has a squirrel that follows him around every where. Sometimes it rides on his head. He takes it with him to the local tavern. He is becoming known in the neighborhood as the Squirrel Whisperer.

Happy Great Depression II

So do you want the Tigers to win today? That means they'd tie the Royals in the standings. But it also means that Minnesota would win the division instead of the ChiSox. We are torn. We can't stand the ChiSox.

Congrats to the Milwaukees. C.C. Sabathia's arm is going to fall off after the season is over, though.

The Gil Meche doubters can go ahead and shut up. Given a few moves over the winter, the pitching staff should be in nice shape. If the Royals do sign a free agent starter, here's who we would suggest: Derek Lowe.

The Royals will have to be more creative, though, when it comes to bolstering the offense. It's probably going to require at least one risky trade.

Dayton knows pitching. Now it's time to prove he has the magic touch when it comes to targeting hitting.

P.S. Today is the last day before the Great Depression II hits in full force. We already stocked up on Ramen noodles. Seriously.

P.P.S. The Tigers-Chisox game is apparently rain delayed. Do you think they'll get it in before the Chinese assume control?

The United States of Generica

So there's been this email going around. Maybe you've seen it in your in-box. The email tries to show how every citizen over 18 could get something like $300,000 for the same money we're about to spend on this Wall Street fix. This would flood the housing markets with good money and pump tons of cash into Main Street and Wall Street. It sounds like a fantastic idea, especially when you consider how corrupt and inept congress and the business tycoons have been. Why not just give the money to us?

But what if almost everybody suddenly had $3000,000? Think about it for a minute...

The college kids would all quit school and smoke dope full time.

Nobody would be willing to do low-paying jobs for at least a few years.

Who would do labor?

Who would work fast food?

Who would tend bar?

Who would work at Wal-Mart?

The strippers would all quit!

The influx of illegal workers would be massive.

All of the rednecks would go out and buy huge trucks.

We would use up all of the remaining oil in two years.

Regular Americans would buy double or triple the crap they don't need.

There would be a Texas Roadhouse and an Applebee's on every corner, but nobody would be willing to work there for under 50 bucks an hour.

Regular Americans would get lazier, fatter, and dumber.

The old money crowd would get increasingly scared of the huge class of new money barbarians.

Massive inflation would happen.

The new money barbarians would spend all of their money and go broke.

Hello strippers again!

P.S. We recently got a line of credit from Washington Mutual, which failed yesterday. Does this mean we now don't have to pay back any of the money we spend?

P.P.S. Use the force tonight Obama. You are the last hope.

UPDATE: Apparently the email going around is wrong. Imagine that! Instead of $300,000, we'd each get about $425 bucks. That's almost enough money to go out to Arrowhead and watch the Chiefs lose.

The wizardry of Aviles

We now know that Mike Aviles is one of the better offensive shortstops in the league, but the statistics also show (apparently) that Aviles is one of the best defensive shortstops. Do you buy it?

Every time you think you're out, they pull you back in

Remember back in Little League when coaches were always saying, "A walk's as good as a hit"? Turns out, it's true!

So we are actually interested in how the Royals are going to finish the season again. Greinke has already finished his year, and it was the kind of performance that elite starting pitchers put up over the course of a whole season.

This off-season is shaping up to be very, very interesting.

But we can't take our mind off the train wreck that is politics.

Sarah Palin is so woefully unprepared for media interaction...it's a cruel, sad, scary joke. And John McCain's stunts are just getting more desperated and tired. He'll do anything. We fully expect him to announce that, in an effort to put America first, he's going to suspend his campaign for a week while he launches himself to the moon in order to recapture the American flag.

Meanwhile, Biden is a dog. He's usually a refreshingly honest, smart and loyal dog. But he also has a crazy tendency to shit in the middle of the yard.

But, yeah, we still like Barry. We've got a bumper sticker and everything. This is the first time we've ever put a candidate's bumper sticker on our car. And this one doesn't play very well in the Ozarks.

P.S. Depressions are always easier to weather when you're already broke.

P.P.S. Bush was predictably pathetic last night. Sometimes we feel sorry for him. Then we try to comprehend how much damage he's done. Boggles. The. Mind.

One day at a time, sweet Jesus

Where have these Royals been for the past few months?

If the Royals trade Zack Greinke, we'll have a Big Donkey seizure.

So yesterday morning, we had a neck ache. We reached for some Tylenol on our desk, swallowed a pill, and then looked at the package. It was a Tylenol PM. We have no idea what Tylenol PM was doing on our desk. We got very tired. We had to cancel a class. We had to go home and take a long, unscheduled nap.

We are going to try very hard to get through today without doing something really stupid.

Keep on the sunny side

Batting average isn't the best baseball statistic in the world, but it's kind of nice to see these averages: Aviles (.319) and Dejesus (.307). And Callaspo's hitting .313.

Meanwhile, the Royals aren't totally without power. They still need a legitimate HR hitter, in addition to continued power development by young players, but Guillen has 20 HR, Gordon and Teahen have 15, Dejesus and Olivo have 12, Butler has 10, and Buck has 9. It's a start.

OK. The HR totals are still pitiful. But it looks like the days of Emil Brown being the biggest offensive threat in the lineup are over.

Greinke has an ERA of 3.59. He's given up less hits than innings pitched. And he has 179 strikeouts. Meche is at 4.05, less hits than innings pitched, and 176 strikeouts. R. Ramirez is at 2.67, less hits than innings pitched, and he averages 1 strikeout per inning. And you know all about Soria.

The long losing streaks are killers; they remind you how truly depressing it is to be a Royals fan. But, this year, we've also so seen some good stretches. And, if you look at it from a distance, this team is not just a little better than previous Royals teams. It's quite a bit better.

P.S. We will probably change our mind about the level of improvement as soon as tomorrow.

Take a kid fishing, and then take him to Hooters

So we took Junior to Hooters this weekend. He's 9 years old. It was time.

Or was it? Some folks around the office seem to think it was bad idea.

In our defense, he's a very sophisticated kid. He's aware of gender issues and basic sexuality concerns. He's kind. He appreciates beauty and, at the same time, loves low culture. He's got a big vocabulary and a great sense of humor. Also, we told his mom we were taking him to Hooters and she thought it was a fine idea.

Before we went to Hooters, we went fishing. Junior caught a bunch of fish. It was a great day.

So, what do you think? Is it totally tacky to take a kid to Hoooters? Or just delightfully unrefined?

P.S. We feel sorry for boys who don't get to go fishing and don't see enough boobies.

On the road back to respectability

We would have had a choice between the Wildcats and Royals last night if we had a television in our commuter apartment. We would have chosen KSU. Fortunately we have an XM radio, and the K-State game wasn't on. So we listened to politics and a little Royals action. Shealy is starting to make a believer out of us.

There are rumors that lots of teams are going to be gunning for Greinke this off-season, including the Red Sox. Don't do it Dayton! We recommend trading some combination of Dejesus, Teahen, Butler, Buck and Dan Cortes for some established bats. We need a SS (FA Furcal?), a CF (Coco Crisp?), an OF (Matt Holliday or Jason Bay?) and another catcher.

Then we could have a strong outfield and an infield of Aviles at 3B, Furcal at SS, Callaspo at 2B and Gordon at 1B, with Shealy as the DH. This is strong offensively and defensively.

Yes, we would rather the Royals trade Butler than Greinke. And Dejesus is a nice trading chip, assuming we find someone, in some combination of trades, who covers lots of ground in center and is a switch-hitter with some pop. Getting another corner outfielder with power is a must.

Then we could sign a few arms, add a catcher to replace Buck or Olivo, and have Guillen's tongue surgically removed.

All is fixed. Hello World Series.

UPDATE: THE PLAN is now being implemented. Actually, it was hatched long ago by Herk Robinson and one of David Glass's genius accountants. But you're just now seeing IT come to fruition before your very eyes. After GRINDING their way through the long season, the Royals and their legions of fans are now seeing the results of THE PLAN. (Apparently three months of TPJ at SS instead of Aviles -- not to mention all that long-ago business with Allard and Muser, etc. -- was all just part of THE PLAN.) Anyway, the Royals win in a laugher. Seven in a row. Everybody hits like crazy. And Greinke is a stud. The Royals will win all of their remaining games and still finish in last place. It's part of THE PLAN.

God have mercy on the man who doubts what he's sure of

Don't look now, but your beloved 2008 Kansas City Royals are on a roll!

Davies and Duckworth are probably the second or third best back-to-back starters in either league. We really need to lock these guys up before other teams figure out that they're both Cy Young material.

And Shealy is a lock to hit 30 home runs next year.

Aviles should really win the 2009 AL MVP.*

Collaspo is destined to become an all-star.

*If Aviles doesn't win it, we're pretty sure Teahen will.

P.S. It's amazing how much damage George Bush has done to this country in eight years. And he's maximizing it! George Costanza would have done a better job.

P.P.S. It's very, very depressing that this country is in the shape it's in. We're really going to have to come together to start rebuilding this thing SOON. (But we just can't make ourselves come together, right now, over McCain.)

P.P.P.S. What nobody's saying out loud is that Palin's Fargo accent is solely responsible for switching North Dakota from a toss-up state in November to a red state, and that damn accent has also single-throatedly moved Minnesota from a solidly blue state to a toss-up state.

P.P.P.P.S. I have no ass. I was just trying to take a leak at a stand-up urinal in a public restroom and, when I loosened my belt, my pants fell down to an unexpected and unacceptable level BECAUSE I HAVE NO ASS to catch them. Thank God Larry Craig was no where to be found. I am starting to take on the shape of Hank Hill. It would be a shame if I have to get butt implants.

Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter.

Here is a nice story to chew on while wondering if Ryan Shealy is really going to be our 1B next year...

So there is this girl from Nepal, Ruchika or something like that, who used to attend Missouri State. She didn't know anyone here and somehow struck up a relationship with my former mother-in-law. My ex-mother-in-law, a Christian Democrat who came from extreme poverty, made friends with her, helped her out with money, got her a TV, stuff like that. In exchange, Ruchika (sp) painted her some wonderful watercolors. Well, Ruchika went home to visit her family in Nepal some time after 9-11 and then couldn't get back into the U.S. So she got a job in India, but she still stayed in contact with my former mother-in-law, Martha. Anyway, Martha died about a year-and-a-half ago. Cancer. But the family got a call from India this weekend. Ruchika had a baby girl. Now there is a little Nepali-Indian girl whose middle name is Martha.

If that isn't nice, I don't know what is.

Confession of a liberal elitist

We REALLY liked REO Speedwagon back in the day, and we still listen to it on occasion. Don't tell anyone.

P.S. How did the Royals do last night?

P.P.S. Free advice to Obama...Say this: "Now that I'm running against Sarah Palin instead of John McCain, permit me to say a few words about the Gov. of Alaska..." The effective thing about THAT is that it would go straight to McCain's heightened sense of manhood.

P.P.P.S. Brodie Croyle is done. (Did he ever get started?) Bring on Josh Freeman (who will be a better NFL quarterback than Chase Daniel, though we LOVE Daniel as a college QB).

P.P.P.P.S. Wouldn't it be cool if Daniel won the Heisman this year and Freeman won it next year? Of course, that means Josh would have to stay another year and somebody other than Freeman would have to be the first pick in the 2009 NFL draft.

Remember when this blog had boobs?

Here and here. Things seemed much more interesting and somehow more innocent way back in March and April. Even Trey Hillman's mismanagement seemed to be obscured by the promise of things to come.

No Ned Beatty jokes

The country is about ready to jump the proverbial shark, and Americans are apparently thrilled about the prospects of being oblivious to the dangers. Who cares about the economy and warmongering and everything that's happened for the past 8 years. It's a thrill to be stupid. Go Mavericks! And the Royals are far too depressing to even discuss. So screw it.

Joe Posnanski's post today has us thinking about pizza. Our favorite pizzas are 1. The Pizza House (Springfield, Mo.), 2. Shakespeare's (Columbia, Mo.), 3. Horace Mann Elementary Pizza (Springfield, Mo.), 4. Shotgun Sam's (now long gone, Springfield, Mo.).

Obviously this is very provincial. We lived in Seattle and Portland for a few years, and we don't ever remember even eating pizza. We do remember trying to order a pizza in Seattle. We asked for hamburger topping because we, not unlike most Republicans and Midwesterners and good Americans, actually like red meat. The girl on the phone couldn't believe that we would actually want beef on my pizza. So we told her to forget it. (Yes, we realize that we are actually making the case for the mavericks as opposed to the liberals here.)

Seattle has good seafood, as far as we know. We developed a taste for fresh Salmon there, for sure. But we don't really care for seafood, as a rule, and we really don't care for seafood that has somehow been shipped more than 500 miles from the nearest ocean.

Canadian walleye is pretty good.

We don't like catfish because they're godforsaken bottom feeders. And we haven't really been into swine ever since we got friendly with a doomed pig on our uncle's farm in Kansas many years ago. (No Ned Beatty jokes; we meant friendly in the sense that we liked that pig as a pet.)

Yes, Kansas City is the place to go for barbecue. And Springfield has its cashew chicken. Also, there's a Thai place in Springfield called Bangkok City that has truly awful service and amazingly addictive dishes.

The key to chili is making it in really large quantities. Horace Man Elementary had some great chili, too, as we recall.

We are German, so we can say with confidence that German food sucks. Everything that's supposed to be hot is cold and everything that's supposed to be cold is hot.

P.S. Remind us to do a post on the best stripper bars we've been to in America. As we recall, there are some joints in the trashier neighborhoods of Portland that would rank pretty high. And then there's that place just outside of Topeka, which qualifies because of the very real element of danger (violence, drugs, etc.) involved in going there. The best stripper bars in the world, as far as we know, are in Vancouver, B.C. But we really haven't looked into this as much as we should.

Happy idiots and paint-by-number dreams

Maybe September will be our month. (Butler had three doubles yesterday.)

But the Royals are still like the 1962 Mets. They're so bad at baseball that some of us continue to relate to them, just as we continue to rail at the injustices in life, which, of course, is full of disappointment caused by our own errors. All the while dreaming of better days.

If you haven't already, you should read Can't Anybody Here Play This Game?

Jackson Browne knew the score.

I want to know what became of the changes
We waited for love to bring
Were they only the fitful dreams
Of some greater awakening
I've been aware of the time going by
They say in the end it's the wink of an eye
And when the morning light comes streaming in
You'll get up and do it again
Amen.

Caught between the longing for love
And the struggle for the legal tender
Where the sirens sing and the church bells ring
And the junk man pounds his fender
Where the veterans dream of the fight
Fast asleep at the traffic light
And the children solemnly wait
For the ice cream vendor
Out into the cool of the evening
Strolls the Pretender
He knows that all his hopes and dreams
Begin and end there...

I'm going to find myself a girl
Who can show me what laughter means
And we'll fill in the missing colors
In each other's paint-by-number dreams
And then we'll put our dark glasses on
And we'll make love until our strength is gone
And when the morning light comes streaming in
We'll get up and do it again
Get it up again.

I'm going to be a happy idiot
And struggle for the legal tender
Where the ads take aim and lay their claim
To the heart and the soul of the spender
And believe in whatever may lie
In those things that money can buy
Though true love could have been a contender
Are you there?
Say a prayer for the Pretender
Who started out so young and strong
Only to surrender.

We got those steadily depressing, low down, mind messing, working at the car wash blues

We predict that the Royals are going to finish in last place.

We didn't correctly predict Obama's running mate (Biden was too easy); but guess what/who we did predict way back in May? That's right. Hurricane Sarah. See for yourself.

So who is going to be Obama's running mate? We have narrowed the field down to Bill Richardson, Ed Rendell, Kathleen Sebelius, Jim Webb and the governor of Alaska (because she's hot). Maybe, if the Royals tank tonight, we'll do a SWOT analysis of the veep field tomorrow. Because that's the kind of stuff that brings readers back again and again.

CORRECTION: The Governor of Alaska is a Republican (not that there's anything wrong with that). But she's still kind of hot.

And you didn't listen to the fact that we was genius.

Palin reminds us of a lot of red state women we know, and that's not all bad. She's more of a man than most Democrats, and she's still kind of sexy. Just once we wish the Dems would nominate somebody who knows how to bass fish or shoot a gun. Instead, we always get the guy who played in the high school band.

Americans like football players and cheerleaders, snowmobillers (sp) and hockey moms.

Now we're going to have to go through another four years of blowing shit up first and asking questions (maybe) later. This is the American way. We usually go along with it, but lately things have been getting too complex for the gang down at the bowling alley to deal with.

P.S. There's nothing on top but a bucket and a mop, and an illustrated book about birds. There's a lot up there but don't be scared.

P.P.S. Who needs action when you've got words? Or should it be...Who needs action when you've got verbs?

Put me in coach, I'm ready to make errors

The other evening, probably Saturday, we noticed that the Royals scored 13 runs. We were watching football and all of the college scores and MLB scores were scrolling across the bottom of the screen. We shared the news with our father.

B.D. Hey, the Royals scored 13 runs.

Dad: Did they win?

B.D. Good question.

That is what it's like being a Royals fan on Labor Day weekend.

We have all kinds of thoughts on how things are going for the Royals, and tons of political thoughts, too, but for now we're keepting them to ourselves. One of these days we'll bust out with a manifesto. Of course, we have plenty of reactions to Mizzou's offense (unbelievable) and defense (how do you get burned deep like that?); and, dare we say, we were impressed with KSU Saturday.

Top 10 Hottest Female Voices Ever

This list was compiled a lot like the BCS rankings for college football. The method is complex, calculated, biased and completely arbitrary. Secret points have been given for things like strength of schedule and big wins. Also, white performers who were at their best between 1970 and 1990 have a distinct advantage for some reason. And all of the voices must belong to someone who is actually hot in general, hot in a weird way, or made hot by virtue of her unbelievable pipes.

1. Stevie Nicks -- Just like the white-winged dove...Stevie wins in a landslide
2. Sinead O'Connor -- Scary crazy, but check her out in the You Tube video below
3. Chrissie Hynde -- She's gonna make you notice
4. Carly Simon -- You probably think this list is about you, don't you?
5. Annie Lennox -- Powerful pro
6. Billie Holiday -- Classic
7. Linda Ronstandt -- Classic seventies
8. Joan Jett -- Put another dime in the jukebox
9. Aimee Mann -- Bonus points for singing on the Rush song "Time Stand Still"
10. Dolores O'Riordan -- Of The Cranberries; we like the Irish accent.

Also receiving votes: Belinda Carlisle (Go-Go girl), Tracy Chapman (Give us one reason she shouldn't be on this list), Madonna (Crazy For You was hot), That Hot Girl In The Bangles, Nina (99 Red Balloons), Sheena Easton (My Baby Takes The Morning Train), Pat Benatar, Geddy Lee, Natalie Merchant, Aretha Franklin, Janis Joplin, Kim Deal, B52s girls, Michelle Obama!, Michelle Shocked, Alison Krauss, Jose Lima's Wife, Edie Brickell, Indigo Girls, Veruca Salt girls, Eartha Kitt, Erin Fein, Debbie Harry.



P.S. Everybody loves lists. This is the kind of thing that should be on Yahoo's front page or in some magazine. You should really send a link to this post to a bunch of weirdos on the Internets.

Bonus! Check out this newcomer. OMG:



Thoughts?

We got the yips

We're set to release the official Top 10 list of Hottest Female Voices Ever tomorrow. There's still time to make a suggestion (see comments thread in post below).

We have been telling everyone for years that we are the only dad who can pitch to the kids on our baseball team. Heck, most of our dads don't even know the rules. This is why it was especially embarrasing when we got the YIPS last week. We were pitching like Steve Sax. We struck out our son, hit the next batter, and then threw a series of wild pitches. So we had to be relieved.

We would like to blame our pitching problems on our long-damaged shoulder, but that would be too easy.

Funny story. Not long after seriously dislocating our shoulder, we found ourselves in bed with a real live girl. This was a shocking and happy development. Things were going along nicely, too, until our arm fell off. The young lady mistook our screams of pain for the kinds of animal noises some people are known to make during these kinds of activities. Being a people pleaser and possibly a cheerleader, this girl proceeded to throw herself into it with everything she had. We haven't been able to listen to John Couger's song "Hurt So Good" ever since. Anyway, after things got back to normal, we were able to get our shoulder back in its socket, which was a very happy ending.

P.S. You should NEVER, under ANY circumstances, eat a whole bag of dried apricots while driving from Springfield to Rolla. We had no idea what those things could do to you if eaten in large quantities.

Hottest Female Voices Ever

OK. The last post started something VERY important. It's time to figure out who the Hottest Female Voices Ever are. We have already nominated Stevie Nicks as the hottest. Here are some other good choices:

Sinead O'Connor
Chrissie Hynde
Natalie Merchant
Amiee Mann
Belinda Carlisle
Joan Jett

NOTE: This is obviously a white man's list.

So let's come up with a Top 10 ranking. Who are we missing? Again, this is VERY important work. Please leave us your suggestions.

Players only love you when they're playin

We started optimistic, then grew realistic, and now we're pessimistic. We're cashin it in -- resigned to another last-place finish. The players are only playing (badly) for themselves, and we blame Hillman. Who else are you going to blame at this point? This season, like many seasons past, can't get over soon enough. We are embarrassed. Again. Nothing much has changed.

Thunder only happens when it's raining.

If shitting the bed was an Olympic sport, the Royals would have more gold medals than Michael Phelps.

We don't want to hear about growing pains. Grow the fuck up, already.

It will be really interesting to see what the Royals do this off-season. We recommend replacing bad pitchers and hitters with good pitchers and hitters.

P.S. We have no idea what Fleetwood Mac could possibly have to do with this post or this blog. The song was just stuck in our head.

P.P.S. Stevie Nicks was the hottest girl ever when she was young, back in the seventies, when life was great. (Even the Royals were awesome.) And Stevie still has the hottest voice of all time.

Minor League Monsters

If you're bored and depressed (likely if you're reading this blog), check out available Triple-A talent that might add cheap power to the 2009 Kansas City Royals lineup here and here and here.

We've already got the first player; we'd have to go out and get the other two.

At least we still have TPJ Bobblehead Night to look forward to

Well, the Royals signed $10 million worth of new talent. So they should be pretty good in four or five years, right?

In the meantime, football season is upon us. We'll be rooting for K-State and Mizzou. We'll be rooting against Nebraska and Kansas, in that order.

On Sundays we'll be rooting for the Chiefs, even though they're going to suck. At least they should be more interesting this year than last.

Don't get us wrong, we loved the Royals draft -- we just wish the players could make an impact as fast as they can in the NFL.

So, anyway, your 2008 Kansas City Royals have been no-hit and they've given up back-to-back-to-back-to-back home runs. Those are your major highlights. When will the good times stop?

P.S. Turns out Brian Bannister was pretty luck last year. The Royals have two-and-a-half good starters: Meche, Greinke and ~ Hochevar.

We're just sayin

Imagine if a Democrat president had

-- relied on false propaganda to start a war in the Middle East
-- mismanaged that war terribly
-- declared mission accomplished years ago
-- doubled-down repeatedly on failed policy (though the surge kinda worked after billions of additional dollars were spent)
-- presided over a collapse of the housing market and a huge increase in the price of gas
-- failed to respond with any curiosity or speed or competence to a major natural disaster
-- increased the deficit exponentially
-- mortgaged American power and standing in the world to the point where Russia thinks it's a super power again*
-- repeatedly suggested that those who don't agree with him are unpatriotic
-- stood by stupidly for eight years while the Kansas City Royals finished in last place something like seven times
-- approved a Wal-Mart strategy of drafting college seniors (like Aviles) and offering them $1,000 to sign, take it or leave it, while others in the same round were getting $100,000-plus
-- approved a Tony Pena Junior Bobble Head Night because nobody could have foreseen that TPJ wouldn't be the starting short stop come September.

Now imagine if Obama, like McCain, was saying things like "Speaking for ALL Americans...We are all Georgians"...and was bragging about talking to officials there every day...After criticizing his opponent for acting like he's already president.

Meanwhile, we're hearing that Obama, unlike McCain, doesn't put Americans first (because he's black/muslim/a terrorist/a celebrity).

What a bunch of horseshit. We're so sick of being painted as anti-American because we refuse to be scared by the scare tactics of the right and we're fed up with the politics of fear in general.

We probably deserve this. After all, we voted for President Gas Boy and his evil CEO VP the first time.

* Every thinking person on the planet with an interest in geo-politics saw the Russian thing coming except for GWB, who looked into Putin's eyes and declared him a God-fearin man. (KGB Putin couldn't believe his luck.)

Repeat after us -- We believe in The Iraq...Saving the whales in Africana...Such as...And world peace against evil-doers..and speaking English...and whatnot...Such as.

Next up: A rant on fake boobs (believe it or not, we're not big fans) and speedy guys who can't hit. Also, why we actually think Bill O'Reilly is more fair and balanced than most.

P.S. The only thing we have to fear is fear itself (and Alex Gordon or Mark Teahen coming up with runners on base and a lefty in the bullpen).

P.P.S. We drink beer and smoke cigarettes. Therefore, we are destined to fall in love with a hard-living convenience store girl who takes all of our money.

P.P.P.S. The Royals just lost 40-0. They probably won't score another run all year. It's all Bush's fault. Maybe McCain's.

Is baseball season over yet?

The Royals lost 29-0 to the Chisox last night. Who's pitching tonight? Oh, who are we kidding? We don't give a rip anymore. Unless a fight breaks out. We're still interested in brawls.

Did the Chiefs look pretty good last week or were we just dreaming that?

We really like The Helicopter out of Mizzou and some of the other mid-round draft picks. And that Sippio guy.

OK. Let's list some of the young third baseman who are better than Gordon at this point: Longoria (too bad about the wrist), Wright, Braun (he might be an outfielder now)...Anyway, those guys are much better than Gordon...And what if Aviles played 3B? Who do you think will have a better season next year, Gordon or Aviles? Seriously.

P.S. We went to an earthquake conference today. St. Louis is so screwed.

P.P.S. To be honest, we're actually looking forward to baseball's off-season (as always), and not just because that means football season has arrived. This winter, Dayton's either going to see his shadow or not. It's either going to be six more years of futility or next spring is going to be the start of something really nice. Or something like that. The Royals have actually taken a small step forward this year, or a big step, depending on how you look at it. This off-season is crucial. We need to find a big right-handed bat and another pitcher. We need to make key trades. Dayton needs to stop being infatuated with grit and defense and speed. We need to figure out if that big Hawaiian-Samoan guy in Omaha is the real deal. And so on.

Catching the bigger fish on the bigger worm

While the Royals and Tony Pena Jr. were storming back to claim victory over the mighty Twins in extra-innings, we were catching largemouths, smallmouths and goggle-eyes. A friend of ours also caught a catfish -- on a plastic worm thingy! We love the river and we love fishing in it. The proximity to streams is one big benefit of living in the Ozarks. Years ago, we used to wade and fish the river alone all of the time. There's something about the man versus fish quality of landing a nice one that nobody else will ever know about. But too many close encounters with snakes convinced us that we should stop wading and fishing alone. (Just noticed that part of this is starting to sound Freudian.) We're not worried about drowning or anything like that; we're just worried about the snakes. And what if we got hurt somehow or had a heart attack or something? And then there's the crazy drunk hillbillies that actually live down by the river and hunt people. So now we have to find someone to go fishing with our paranoid and possibly schizophrenic selves, and it has to be someone who understands bass and nature and jokes and doesn't act the fool or talk too much. (And we're not into fancy fly fishing, though we suppose it's OK for trout; we prefer ultra-lights, finesse lures and setting the hook like a man.) So we go fishing a lot less than we used to. But fortunately we still know a few people.

Just read on Mellinger's blog that Moose Tacos is supposed to be a better hitter than Alex Gordon with a better swing. Great. Now that Gordon and Butler aren't really living up to the hype (weren't they supposed to be pretty much can't miss super stars?) at least we still have Moose Tacos to look forward to. And then Hosmer. If he signs.

Why are the Twins consistently so much better than us? Answer: They make good trades and they always have a good manager.

Gordon really looks like shit and pisses us off when he strikes out. Same with Teahen, but we've pretty much given up on him.

P.S. And all this time we thought John Edwards was gay. Who knew?

P.P.S. Carlos Gomez plays like he's wearing roller skates.

P.P.P.S. We didn't see any snakes yesterday.

Observations while listening to last night's game

Butler fielding the baseball like it has fangs.

God bless Kansas City Life for advertising on Royals Radio for lo these many shitty years.

Whatever happened to Guys' Potato Chips?

Teahen's breaking our heart(s). We're washing our hands of him. Spit. Biggest bust since Hurdle. Guess Mark's now qualified to manage the Colorado Rockies. Wait. Mark just doubled home Aviles! Mark is the man!

Aviles with the first non-Grudz outfield blooper catch by a Royals middle infielder all year. And nobody collided!

Our neighbor is cooking shit that smells like soul food again. And she's white trash. Weird.

Teahen just struck out. We're done with him. DONE.

Hannity is a perfect example of why all educated people should be required to read at least one good satirical novel (we suggest Catch-22) and get exposed to some really funky music and/or funky sex with an art major during college. What a tool that Hannity is.

The stat-heads were pretty much right about Bannister.

It's all about Favre. He might be a bigger tool than Hannity.

OK. We obviously stopped listing to the Royals game and things have obviously gone all to hell.

Our ex-wife is actually checking her tire pressure every day based on this Obama drama. We live in interesting times.

Have you ever tried Vietnamese food (non-dog)? It's the worst! However, good Thai food is better than crack.

Now that BOTH of our (my) shoulders are all screwed up due to pseudo-sports injuries, we'd like to try to give McCain a hug. Try is the operative word. (In no way do we mean to seriously compare our pseudo-sports injuries to years of suffering in a Vietnamese torture prison, where prisoners were likely sujbected to Vietnamese food.)

Have you listened to popular hip hop music lately on the radio? It might be time to put the Taliban in charge of American culture for a while.

Whatever happened to Sec. of State Condoleeza Rice? Don't we still have a lot of shit going on in the world?

Yes, Bill Clinton understood that this is not a liberal country. Hence, school uniforms, etc. If you want to do progressive things like climate protection and energy replacements, you have to throw the PEOPLE some bones. Obama should do a certain amount of drilling and build that stupid fence between the U.S. and Mexico. If he did those two things, he could get away with leading an energy revolution, improving health care and ending the war in Iraq. This is exactly how Bush got his war in Iraq in the first place. He pretended like he hated homos and loved the baby Jesus.

Obama should have agreed to debate Old Potato Cheeks all summer long.

The fat is in the fire, McHope. (And this ain't no lean meat.) What you got?

P.S. If the Quotable Human Forehead (Carville) isn't available these days, we're under-employed and ready to serve.

Bam Bam

So this is Butler's new nickname, according to Rany. What do you guys think? Should we officially endorse it here? Actually, there for a while, we were starting to like Big Honky, but we were never really sure if it should be spelled honky or honkey.

Let's go Royals

Can Soria get away with throwing that big curve EVERY time he gets two strikes on a batter?

Don't look now, but it looks like Gordon and Butler are going to finish the season strong. Alex is going to make a nice living on turning walks into homers and homers into walks.

We're not sure exactly what's been going on with Alberto Callaspo, but it sounds like the term rehab assignment might have a double meaning. We hope he makes it back strong. He could be a big part of the plans next year.

Remember when it looked like the AL Central was going to be a beast division, what with Detroit and Cleveland having awesome teams and all? Now Detroit looks old. Cleveland looks like it's rebuilding (though we expect it to go well). Chicago traded the farm to contend (though we kind of admire the White Sox GM for continually going for it). And Minnesota can't continue to be this good year in and year out with young players (though the Twins manager must be the best in baseball). If the Royals and DM have a solid off-season, they should be a real contender by next season.

Speaking of the White Sox, it's just a matter of time until they totally implode under Ozzie Guillen.

P.S. Just imagine if Jose Guillen decides to take up managing after his playing days are over.

Two straight in the baby blues

Good to see the Royals get into a fight with somebody...Aviles must be the real deal...Guillen must have hit the snot out of that HR...Nice to have a guy like Greinke to root for (He's an underdog and he's really good)...How hot was it yesterday?...We were at a swim meet in Lenexa...Outside!...At least we got to go to Fric & Frac...Passed on the Gates this time, though...How good was our bullpen during that stretch last year when Greinke was setting up Soria who was setting up Dotel?...We need a summer vacation from our summer...We're not going anywhere until football season starts for real...Have you ever tried to drive from KC to Rolla?...Not fun...We sure do miss Pena's glove out there...That Butler kid can hit a little...How unexpected is this offensive outburst, given the fact that we've been facing lefties with Gload and Meier getting regular duty? (Goes to show what a drag guys like Pena and Gathright have been on the offense.) How much better could we be if, say, we replaced Gload and Teahen with a couple of guys (at least one of them right-handed) who can really hit?

Saturday in-game notes

Too hot for Beuhrle (sp?). The strain was apparently more than he could bear (sp?).

Billy Butler is turning on pitches like he thinks he's a Big Donkey or something.

We have too many left-handed hitters.

That HR Thome hit was way way back there.

Hey, German just whacked one to drive in some more runs. This game is easy.

You have to hit a lot of homers (Butler, Guillen, Olivo) to keep up with the Chitowns.

And that's what we're talking about (despite the HR-fueled comeback by the HR Sox). Here's hoping for another balanced attack (and limited Hillman buzz killers) tomorrow.

Reminder to self: Get our Mexicutioner (sp?) shirt from our brother.

P.S. Jose Guillen doesn't strike us as the kind of guy who takes kindly to having the guy in front of him walked on purpose over and over.

Rednecks for Obama

Aviles defense? Aviles offense!

Deadline inventory:

Untouchables -- Greinke, Soria

Solid Major Leaguers -- Dejesus, Meche

Tradeable commodities -- Mahay, Grudz, Olivo

Unproven commodities -- Aviles, Gordon, Butler, Banny, Hochevar, Buck, Ram Ram

Non-essential employees -- pretty much everyone else.

So we saw Obama close-up and in person yesterday. He flashed us a million dollar smile that made us very giddy and weak in the knees for a moment. (But we still like women.)

Our favorite line in Obama's speech yesterday was about GWB's energy policy -- basically, the president had Dick Cheney meet with the big oil companies 40 times.

And Obama framed the energy challenge with the JFK go-to-the-moon analogy. Yes! That's what we've been talking about.

We're OK with off-shore drilling (Obama says he's not for now). As long as we're also going to go ALL-IN on the development of new sources of energy.

The drilling thing is a perfect Karl Rove issue. It's probably going to replace homo marriage in the Republican playbook this year.

One of the audience members asked Obama whether or not it was a good idea to take 20,000 troops from Iraq and send them to Afghanistan -- so we can win a war for a change. Obama thinks it's a good idea. We're not so sure, but that's only because we read Thomas Friedman's column yesterday.

There were two old guys with scruffy beards, red baseball caps and overalls outside of the venue, near a busy street...They were holding a sign that said "Rednecks for Obama." People were honking at them and giving them thumbs up.

This election is going to come down to votes for Obama and votes against Obama. McCain might as well cancel all of his appearances and just let Rush and Hannity try to win it for him by scaring 50 percent of the voters into the notion that it's better to keep doing what we've been doing for some stupid reason(s).

P.S. We were lukewarm on Claire McCaskill -- now she's on fire!

P.P.S. We still can't stand Jay Nixon and we hope he gets caught with a high-priced hooker soon.

P.P.P.S. Emil Brown had a couple of nice (adventurous) catches yesterday. He still looks just like Roberto Clemente out there.

Top 10

Top 10 reasons why Barack Obama should pick Jose Guillen as his running mate:

1. Obama needs to pick a non-Muslim who can relate to folks in middle America.
2. Given his popularity in KC, Guillen might be able to deliver the crucial state of Missouri.
3. Obama needs to pick someone with gravitas.
4. Obama needs to counter the notion that he's too white.
5. Sometimes the voters need to be reminded that they're a bunch of big fucking babies.
6. The Obama campaign covets Mike Scioscia's vote.
7. With the possible exception of Jeremiah Wright, Guillen is the best man for the job.
8. Obama needs someone who isn't afraid to tell Hillary to go fuck herself.
9. Women voters dig the long ball.
10. Unlike Obama, Guillen is 100 percent American and presumably Catholic.

Hillman banned from in-game strategery (we wish)

The word on the street is that the Royals are offering Mahay to the Phillies for SS prospect Jason Donald, who looks like a young Mark Grudz to us. (But the Red Sox have a SS prospect and a hankering for Mahay too...The Rays also have a nice SS prospect, Brignac.)

What role will Aviles have next season?

BTW, it wouldn't surprise us if Butler ends up getting traded to Boston at some point. We're betting Bill James and Allard Baird value Butler's potential (and devalue his shortcomings) more than DM.

BTW II, Grudz is almost certain to be traded, isn't he? (Or is his back hurt again?)

If we were DM, we would issue an executive order to Hillman: no more bunts or steal attempts for the rest of the season.

Whatever DM does, he'd better not trade Greinke.

Our next good first baseman is going to be a Hawaiian. Look it up.

Nice to see Gordon go deep.

We need to find a good platoon partner to go with Teahen next year.

We're back

Now that was one long, strange trip. But we're back just in time to be part of Barack Obama's visit to rural Missouri on Wednesday. After that, we'd like to discuss Billy Butler and whether or not he is finally living up to the Big Donkey nickname that we were so quick to recklessly run with at the start of the season.

P.S. Trying to get back from Calgary, our original plane to St. Louis via Chicago had mechanical problems. So we were put on another plane (and another airline) to Houston, where they were conveniently having something resembling a hurricane. So our plane to Houston was delayed two hours, and then we waited in Houston for a little plane (on yet another airline) going to St. Louis. We finally got to St. Louis, only to sit on the tarmac for another 45 minutes waiting for a gate to free up.

Somebody wire us lots of Canadian currency

REGINA, SASKATCHEWAN -- Regina rhymes with Vagina (sorta). Ha, ha. We're totally burned out from the road, U.S. Dollars are no longer worth shit up here, and we never figured out the metric system. But during our glimpses at the Internet, we saw that the Royals won today (and yesterday). Is Teahen batting leadoff? Is Butler hitting well? Meche must have pitched great yesterday? Bannister, not so much today? Oh well, tomorrow it's Moose Jaw and Medicine Hat. The next day we finally make it to Calgary!

BTW, if we lived in North Dakota we'd be forced to stay drunk at all times.

P.S. We stayed at the worst motel in North America last week in Sioux Falls, S.D. It was so bad that even the hookers wouldn't go there. Tonight, we somehow scored a nice suite. Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug.

P.P.S. It's Canadian Football League season up here, and some folks in Winnipeg and Regina are into that.

P.P.P.S. Now, in addition to Loonies, the Canadians have invented a two-dollar coin. The lowest denomination of print money is a $5 dollar bill. You have to have a TEN just to get a beer at some of the finer establishments. What a bunch of hosers.

P.P.P.P.S. Do you think people throw those $1 and $2 COINS at the strippers instead of slipping them bills? These are the things that enquiring American minds want to know.

OK. Carry on with your baseball season and your war on Islam, you foolish Americans.

Slouching Toward Fargo

We're actually blogging for a living at another site (not really, sort of) as we work our way north on this godforsaken solar car race. We set out from Dallas Sunday. According to our colleague: if somebody wanted to bomb an American city, Dallas would be a good place to start. Tomorrow, we plan to go through Topeka and get to Omaha before dark. Meanwhile, it's now the All-Star break and we could all probably use a little quality time away from the Royals. So we'll re-charge our batteries during this trip and then come back for more before football season starts. If we don't check in from Fargo, we'll check in from Winnipeg. Or Medicine Hat. Or Moose Jaw.

P.S. There's a German team on this solar car adventure. We talked to one of the girls. She either said that we are a very handsome American or a very dumb American. We don't speak German.

Don't wanna be your monkey wrench

Thoughts while listening to last night's game...

Teahen is tantalizingly mediocre, and that's all he's ever going to be -- until he gets traded, at which point he will have one fantastic season and then revert back to mediocrity. It's inevitable, and it's too bad. Meanwhile, Dejesus is a legitimate stud.

Davies is an OK No. 5.
Banny and Hochevar are decent No. 4s.
Meche is a pretty good No. 3.
Greinke is a good No. 2.

We still need to upgrade the staff a little.

What will the career arcs of Gordon and Butler look like? We're a little worried that the curve won't be as steep as we previously thought.

How 'bout that Ramirez?

Dotel is still viable.

Soria in -- tie game -- after pitching yesterday. Hillman wants this game bad. Good for him.

No walk-off wins so far this year for the Royals says faceless new guy with Denny.

Good managing tonight.

C'mon Alex. Let's hit a lefty for once.

Alex sucks against lefties. And we're still VERY Sick and Tired of the Called third strikes.

Gathright at bat is like a one-armed man with a pitching wedge in a long-drive contest.

C'mon Butler. Shit. Welcome to the Big Leagues Billy. You suck. (This is what it would sound like in New York.)

How cool is Kool and the Gang?

Now we're surfing XM music channels to avoid the ugly outcome. Just listened to "Passage to Bangkok." Classic. Now Green Day. Sieg Heil to the President Gas Man! Kill all the fags that don't agree.

Now Frederic Fuckin Chopin. Love the XM.

And back to the gaem...and the Royals are now behind.

We feel stupid and contagious.

Hey, it's the Foo Fighters.

Hey, they tied it. Somebody tell us how it happened.

Oh, boy. That Larry the Cable Guy....

Light our candles in a daze cause we found God.

Did you really think about it before you made the rules?

Teahen with a leadoff walk in the 12th. That's a winner, right? (Denny concurs.)

BILLY BUNTED BACK TO THE PITCHER. Are you kidding?

This game has been horribly managed.

Lewis Black is funny.

Bob Dylan must have Asperger's.

Hey, Aviles. And now Gordon, who apparently had a big double earlier. (How come he never does shit while we're listening?

We'd be remiss (we are remiss) if we didn't mention that German is having a good game.

Bases loaded...and Grudz grounds into a DP. Game over. Back to Laugh Attack.

We have wasted far too many hours of our lives on games like this.

OK. We're off on the slow road to Calgary. We won't officially start this slow solar version of Cannoball Run until Sunday or Monday, but we've got bags to pack, planes to catch, and bills to pay. We'll check in from the road.

This is how accidents happen

Nice win yesterday. Dejesus keeps on hitting. Soria blew a save and the Royals still won.

Tampa is good.

So where do we stand on Guillen these days?

Big Donkeys' cousin-in-law Mikey sank his truck on July 4 while trying to pull a land tube at high speeds through Cousin Farkle's pond. (Brother Jeremy was in the tube, which floated.) Heavy alcohol consumption was involved.

Mikey said it was OK because he was fully covered. But we asked him if he was sure he had Dumbass Insurance.

Earlier, Cousin Farkle's Big Dog chased us with a lit Saturn Missile in his mouth.

We hurt our good shoulder (possible dislocation followed by a quick relocation) playing pool basketball.

Fortunately, Cousin Michael is an emergency room physician.

This is a busy week. We leave for Calgary (via STL, DFW, Oklahoma, Topeka, Omaha, Sioux Falls, Fargo, Winnipeg, Moose Jaw and Medicine Hat) on Saturday.

P.S. There's no way to get to Wichita and Wabaunsee County and back to Missouri via mass transit. And there's no way to plow a field in a bus or subway.