Top 10 stupid drunk things that I remember

Is it possible for the Royals to be more depressing in the off-season than in the middle of the season? Of course it is.

Time for a Top 10. The following are the top stupid things I've done (or participated in) involving alcohol (that I remember):

10. Drank Dave Parker's moonshine (several occasions).
9. Sank flat-bottom boat in Mill Creek.
8. Fell through door into Jay Farrar's dressing room, asked him for autograph.*
7. Didn't realize she was a hooker (several occasions).
6. Pretended to be peacock at Colonel's wedding party.**
5. Went to Tokyo Sauna.
4. Passed out in Jeep with Motl in Wash U. parking lot.**
3. Tried fishing in swift river with dislocated shoulder.
2. Ate bad mushrooms at Dead concert in Oregon.
1. Slept with Mexican neighbors by accident.*

* Actually Mets Fan Rob did this.
** Actually Jeremy did this.

Mizzou to the Big 10 would be sort of like KC to the National League could have been

First and foremost, as an old Big 8 guy, I am worried about the Big 12. I have followed Kansas State sports my whole life. Then I graduated from Mizzou.

As a Mizzou guy, I think it would be fantastic if the Tigers went to the Big 10 + 2. But I think it would be devastating for the Big 12 if that happens.

Mizzou would fit in great in the Big 10. Columbia is more similar to Madison or Ann Arbor or Iowa City than it is to Manhattan or Stillwater or Ames. And the MU student body is Big 10esque.

I guess Nebraska would be the next-best fit. But Mizzou can deliver the KC AND STL markets.

What's left would be sad. Colorado would probably bolt to the PAC 10. That would leave the Big 8 refugees and a bunch of geographically dominant Texas schools.

I would be sad about what that would mean for K-State. But the reality of Mizzou matching up with Ohio State, Michigan, Iowa, etc., would be awesome.

P.S. I love this KSU basketball team. They absolutely beat the shit out of UNLV the other night. And they have the angriest fan base in the nation.

Kendall Royalty (distill the life that's inside of me)

The Royals suck. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. And so on.

Suh should have won the Heisman.

So I got this book for my birthday, Freakonomics. I've heard of it. Haven't started reading it yet. From what I gather, these guys are doing with economics what Bill James did with baseball. It does make perfect sense that the crime rate will drop with an increase in abortions, etc.

Speaking of abortions, the Royals suck.

Speaking of economics, Jason Kendall sucks.

So I'm supposed to be grading a huge pile of papers and writing a bunch of magazine stories, but I just can't bring myself to face either task right now. Maybe it will all be easier than I think?

Speaking of delusional thinking, Dayton Moore sucks.

So my son lost another tooth this weekend and he was demanding money for it. I told him he wears the same shoe size as me already (for crying out loud) but to put it under his friggin pillow, and then I forgot all about it. Apparently I later wandered into the room drunk and woke him up to tell him goodnight. The next morning he said he thought me coming into the room was "some kind of pathetic tooth fairy attempt." Anyway, I felt bad and gave the little bastard 20 bucks.

The next day I dropped Junior off at a birthday party and had a few hours to kill, so I ducked into Archie's. They were having a big Christmas auction to benefit the Good Samaritan Boys Ranch. My kind of place. Lots of old professional drunks and the occasional young and troubled woman-girl.

Which reminds me of the fact that I stopped into the Daily Pub the night before because I had an hour to kill before picking Junior up from swimming practice. Unfortunately, there weren't any hot troubled girls in there. But a really old, really drunk bag lady tried to hit on me. She slurred all of her words, but I distinctly heard her ask me to dance and then she asked me to take her to Red Lobster. As much fun as both of those things sounded, I declined.

Speaking of Red Lobster...insert something here about the Royals or a Royals player or Tiger Woods being cooked, boiled alive, or something like that (hopefully something funny).

Where can I get a Swedish nanny?

I have decided that it's best to keep Callaspo and DH him. What the hell, we need his bat. Keep Meche too. In fact, just get some kind of CF and catcher and let's roll with it. No need to get more bad players to add to this mix.

Here would be the position players:

C - Kendall?
3B - Gordon
SS - Yuni
2B - Getz
1B - Butler
DH - Callaspo
LF - Fields
CF - Coco?
RF - Dejesus

Bench - Bloomy, Pena, Maier, Guillen (Aviles)

But does anyone think DM might try to sign Rick Ankiel? He just seems like the kind of guy who would fit in with the plan, good or bad.

P.S. Isn't this stuff about Alex Rodriguez and all those women just plain crazy? I can't believe he cheated on that super foxy Swedish nanny of his.

P.P.S. If nothing else, we've already gotten rid the following this off-season: Olivo, Jacobs, Teahen, Bale, etc. Except for Teahen, that is most definitely addition by subtraction.

Winter Meeting Wonderland

First. Junior and I took our yearly trek to the mall Saturday morning. It wasn't that bad. Well, it was a little overwhelming at first -- so we headed straight to the food court. Then we hit about four stores like nobody's business and got all of our shopping done. Even the traffic jam getting out of the mall war zone didn't diminish my enthusiasm for having that over with.

Question. If the Royals signed Old Pudge and Bedard and found a decent young centerfielder with promise somehwere, would you consider this off-season a success?

My answer: That depends. If they really do non-tender Jacobs and Buck and if they can figure out some way to get rid of Guillen, then yes.

Question No. 2: Would you rather trade with the Mets or the Cubs?

Dayton's answer: That depends. Which team has the most players who were in the Atlanta organization at one point?

Question No. 3: What's the difference between a golf ball and a Cadillac Escalade?

Tiger's answer: I can drive a golf ball 400 yards.

P.S. Sounds like Dayton did a good job in signing this Cuban pitcher kid.

We can't win Afghanistan

Sending 30,000 more troops into Afghanistan to try to win the "war" is like signing Kyle Farnsworth to a $10 million contract in an attempt to shore up your bullpen, even though you have little chance of actually winning anything and you already have budget woes.

Seriously, you could put a million troops in that place. And for what? What exactly are we trying to accomplish? I get it that we've got to do what we can to keep Pakistan from becoming a failed state with The Bomb. Is that what we're fighting for? I guess it's going to be sort of like a Korea situation, only more dangerous. We'll have to keep Americans on the Pakistan-Afghanistan border forever.

This should have been evident a long time ago...but, by virtue of our HUGE over-reaction to 9-11, the terrorists won. We are fighting two "wars" we can't possibly win, Americans are more divided than ever, and the "civilized" world is falling apart morally and economically. Osama couldn't have dreamed a better outcome. Hell, the neo-cons and Rove-Palin types are the best imbedded allies he could have possibly recruited to fuck up dumb America. (You can probably include Pelosi, etc., in this crowd, too, for different reasons.)

The entire mess isn't President Obama's fault, of course. He's probably doing what he has to do in Afghanistan, which is sad. He's a thinking man, but we're not a thinking people. I just wish he'd do a better job, at least, when it comes to things like job creation.

And can somebody tell me why "cap and trade" isn't the stupidest idea on Earth?

The obligatory Cy Young post

Way to go Zack! Everybody else can suck it!

I had no idea that Kyle Farnsworth is No. 40

So I went out with my brother and Mets Fan Rob and some other folks to celebrate my 40th birthday. I was forced to wear a Farnsworth jersey all night. Also: There may or may not have been psychedelic drugs involved. At one point Mets Fan Rob, who was clearly having flashbacks, was drinking shots and shouting "Yo la tengo! Yo la tengo!" But neither Elio Chacon nor Richie Ashburn was anywhere in the vicinity.

P.S. Wearing the Farnsworth jersey didn't hurt my shuffleboard game one bit. In fact, despite the jersey and all the stuff in my bloodstream, I kicked ass. (This is partly because I've figured out the way the board warps at the Daily Pub.)

P.P.S. My brother and I once bet a car on a game of shuffleboard. (I won.)

Disdain for deliverables

In the corporate world, deliverables is a trendy code word often unintentially used to describe finished products that are safe, boring, and thoroughly uninspired. People who use the word are usually dumbasses who are climbing the corporate latter. It's a word that Trey Hillman would definitely use if he were helping to run General Motors into the ground.

Dayton Moore lives in a world of deliverables. Thus far, he has delivered Jose Guillen, Mike Jacobs, Yuni Betancourt, Kyle Farnsworth, Kyle Davies, Ryan Freel, Brett Tomko...and so on. These deliverables, of course, have not delivered. Because they suck. Suck is not a word that is used nearly enough by uninspired ass-kissing dumbasses who run things.

Jose Guillen isn't safe or boring in the way that a Chevy Malibu is; he just sucks. And he knows it.

That is why Jose Guillen is smarter than Trey Hillman or Dayton Moore.

Unless you can afford Yankee quality deliverables and best practices, you should take another approach.

IT'S NOW OFFICIAL: DM has delivered us Josh Fields and Chris Getz. I'm not sure how I feel about this yet. Mark Teahen was one of my personal favorites...but he had to go. This seems like a pretty good return for Teahen.

P.S. Fields has the most upside of any of these players, and he played quarterback at Oklahoma State, so I like this trade.

P.P.S. Looks like we'll be active this off-season, thank God. Right now, you'd have to think that Callaspo will DH against RHP. Fields will DH against LHP and Callaspo will play 2B.

P.P.P.S. Surely DM will non-tender Jacobs now, right? And Buck. With Teahen, Coco, Olivo, Yabuta, etc., off the books, we're already saving some significant cash.

P.P.P.P.S. Please, DM, for the love of money, just go ahead and cut Guillen. We still need to go out and find a CF, RF and catcher, plus some lefty arms.

Big Donkeys Mailbag: the chickens have come home to roost

How do you feel about the Larry Johnson situation? -- Jose in KC

I think he should take it a step further and call out specific players, the coach and that Pioli guy for being fucking babies. Then I think he should keep sucking and get hurt.

What/who is most responsible for the current recession? -- Dave in Bentonville

The Great Recession was caused almost entirely by "best practices." Business schools teach them. Businesses adopt them. People consume them. Pretty soon, everybody's trying to do the same Power Point presentation, eat at the same restaurant, live in houses that look the same, and drive the same-looking SUVs. The country stagnates. People lose touch with what it means to live and think free. This has been getting increasingly worse, with futile interruptions of passionate resistance, since the 1950s. The chickens have come home to roost.

Is David Dejesus gay? -- an admiring fan

Probably. But there's not anything wrong with that.

What do you think about this whole stimulus deal? -- Jay in Jeff City

This stimulus stuff isn't creating near enough jobs. I don't think a whole lot of green jobs will ever be created. I support increased scientific research. I support wind and solar power (and nuclear), but c'mon. We need to exploit new ways to get at a lot of natural gas. We need to drill responsibly in Alaska and off our shores. We need to continue to develop hybrid technologies. But right now the focus has to be on jobs and the economy. Sure, we need better health care and, yes, the Arab world is a total clusterfuck...But those things aren't going to be resolved any time soon. In Missouri, I suggest using stimulus money to create a modern fast train network that transverses the I-70 and I-44 corridors. Engineers, contractors, and construction workers would have lots to do. New businesses would pop up along the routes (though some gas stations, etc., would suffer). Fewer people would drive and waste energy. Fewer people would die on the roads. Traffic would be eased. And so on. But, instead, we're giving out tons of minor grants to people who are researching obscure stuff that's probably never going to make a difference.

What do you hope to accomplish by climbing Mt. Sunflower? -- Sal in Salina

Personal glory.

How come you don't post any more boob paintings, and where are those T-shirts you promised? -- Larry in Licking

I ran out of paint and my paintbrushes are all gooked up and probably ruined. As far as the T-shirts and other things go, I am reminded of a call-and-response protest chant: "What do we want? Procrastination! When do we want it? Whenever you get around to it."

Is it true that you once worked for an Elvis impersonator? -- Bubba in Branson

Yes, that is very true. I still know all the words to "In the Ghetto."

Mailbag questions

I'm dying to do one of those mailbag posts where I answer questions from readers who can't wait for me to tell them what I think about various topics and issues, including but not limited to: Kyle Farnsworth's fastball, Lyle Lovett's hair, George Brett's bowels, Miguel Olivo's strikezone judgment, Billy Butler's off-season conditioning program, Alberto Callaspo's defensive wizardry, Marisa Tomei's beauty, Bob Davis's flairs, Obama's master plan, Bill Snyder's relationship with the media, Nebraska's propensity to fumble the football, Sluggrrrr's sex life, bass fishing, horse racing, states that begin with A, anything about string theory, Thai food...or whatever.

Of course, this will be difficult if nobody sends me any questions for Big Donkeys Mailbag (and, let's face it, this site isn't exactly what they call popular). Anyway, feel free to send questions to lcfeyh@yahoo.com.

P.S. I hardly ever check the Big Donkeys email.

P.P.S. If you don't send me any mailbag questions, I'm just going to make them up.

Would you trade Mark Teahen for Jack Cust?

Both are non-tender candidates (due to salary arbitration raises) but both are probably too valuable to non-tender. The A's could use a back-up/starting 3B and/or OF. They'll probably go with another DH. Cust is an absolute butcher in the field. But the Royals could DH Cust against all RH pitching and maybe use Callaspo as the DH at times when a lefty is on the mound.

Obviously, a Cust acquisition would mean the end of Jacobs. That would be good. Now, you need to figure out what in the hell to do with Guillen, get a CF and get a good RF. If only Milton Bradley didn't hate Ryan L. so much, and if only he could stay relatively healthy, and if only he just had one year instead of two left on his contract...Getting somebody of his ability for Guillen and somebody else would solve a lot of things. (I'd still trade Guillen for him no matter what.)

Then, of course, the Royals would still have to find a new catcher.

P.S. Methinks Luke Hochevar is going to end up being a good set-up man in the bullpen.

P.P.S. Mizzou sucks at football again. Go K-State!

P.P.P.S. There wasn't any Christian activism or pedophilia (as far as I know) at last weekend's Boy Scouts camp, but there was some borderline child abuse (not by me) and whiskey consumption out of a flask (guilty on this one).

The Cowboys and KC Texans, and other uniform notes

I'm sure this rant has been going on elsewhere...But you cannot, under any circumstances, have players on the professional football team in Kansas City wearing a picture of the state of Texas on their helmets. That is not fair to the fans or to people in Kansas City. They already have to endure this shitty football team. Don't make it worse with those insulting helmets.

As a matter of fact, it's high time that NFL teams stop wearing the retro uniforms. Period. They took that thing way too far and, yesterday, the Denver Broncos jumped the shark.

(I do like the old New England uniforms a lot better than the new ones. You know, with the red and blue guy hiking the football. But those uniforms aren't that old.)

Here's the thing. If I'm watching an NFL game, especially if I paid serious cash to be there, I want to be able to recognize that there are two professional football teams on the field. Jesus, the only way we really know who to root for is by the uniforms they're wearing. What if the U.S. Army suddenly decided it wanted to pay tribute to Revolutionary War veterans (from both sides)? They could dress like Minutemen in Iraq one week and Red Coats in Afghanistan the next.

You have to be able to easily recognize your team, or it just feels confusing and wrong. It's like when KISS took off the make-up. Bad idea. They already sucked as musicians, and now they didn't have an I.D. anymore.

The same thing applies to baseball uniforms. The Royals half-assed the powder blue deal, and it doesn't work. The Monarchs thing is nice once per year, but that's about all I want to see of it. And no red hats for any reason (unless it's a Monarchs thing).

NOTES:

1 - Toronto got the powder blue right.

2 - The all-time best sports uniform belonged to the old-school K-State Wildcats. That awful lavender and purple basketball getup was beautiful.

3 - Mizzou needs to incorporate a lot more puke gold in all of their sports uniforms. The yellow doesn't work.

4 - Do you remember the time the Royals played in futurama uniforms? I think they were playing Seattle. It was horrible.

5 - The KU football players look like sissies because they're wearing that gay "KU" basketball font on their helmets. They should insist on having a Jayhawk on their helmets. It's one of the most recognizable logos in college sports, for crying out loud. It looks great on a football helmet!

6 - I have a hard time accepting teams like the Tennesse Titans and the Houston Texans and the Carolina Panthers as NFL caliber -- just because the uniforms feel like they came from the USFL to me. Those teams could be the Memphis Showboats or the Birmingham Stallions for all I know.

P.S. If you order bulgogi, always go for the spicy.

P.P.S. If you're ever asked to volunteer extensively at a swim meet, don't.

Awesome

Found among the comments to this:

I’ve never made the effort to post comments here – or on any other chat site – before, but this analysis was so pitch-perfect, and so important, that I felt compelled to register with sbnation just to say, great job, Will. (I see I’m not the only one.)

This article, in a nutshell, is why I’m taking a long break from blogging. And why, if and when I return, I’m going to have a lot less tolerance for the shit that Dayton and Trey are selling.

by Rany Jazayerli

What do you get when you cross a Pinkel with a Pelini?

Enjoyed the Mizzou game last night. For three quarters.

I can't stand Pinkel's running offense. Why not hand the ball off seven yards behind the line of scrimmage and then have your running back run sideways for another 11 yards before gaining any positive yardage?

Whatever happened to smashmouth football? The best way to deal with a torrential downpour and other acts of God, it seems to me, is to have a strong fullback who can run straight into the line and bust heads.

But, then, fullbacks have apparently been outlawed in football. And busting heads isn't legal anymore either.

That Suh guy would be the best player on the Chiefs right now.

Can't imagine what it would have felt like last night to be a big Mizzou fan AND a huge Cardtard.

Can you believe the quotes that keep coming out from Hillman and Moore? Those two are beyond defensive and clueless. I can't believe I ever had faith. There is no hope.

P.S. I can't stand Bo Pelini. He's even more of a dumbass than Hillman and Moore. But he overcompensates for it by being cocky.

P.P.S. I turn 40 next month. I'm thinking about going on the big Mount Sunflower expedition that I've been talking about for years. It's on the Bucket List.

Crap I say to Junior, according to him

I showed Junior the shitmydadsays twitter site thing, and, well, it was inevitable... This is what he was apparently doing last weekend while I was being sick and boring (and losing my ass on football, as usual).

Note: Junior is 10 and he doesn't exactly have real solid blogging skills yet, but it's evident in some of the short posts that he could develop into an astute writer.

Past performance is not indicative of future results

I have this theory that the New England Chiefs faked Cassel's injury. I also think maybe they sandbagged the whole pre-season by playing even worse than they really are. Plus, I think they are desperately working on a plan to steal signals or otherwise cheat against Baltimore. For those reasons, I am taking the 13 points and going with the Chiefs on Sunday.

After doing a great deal of analysis (really), I have three slam dunk games in college football this week: Army -2 over Duke, UAB -11 over SMU, and TCU -11 over Virginia. Obviously, these aren't sexy games in terms of fan appeal, but they have excellent gambling potential. Bet heavily on all three individually -- and play the three-team parlay, if you want. Easy money.

As for the Big 12 games, I'm taking...

Iowa State +7 over Iowa. (Iowa always starts out really bad and then gets really good at the end of the season.)

Texas -33 over Wyoming.

Missouri -18 over Bowling Green. (Go Gabbert!)

KU -11 over UTEP. (UTEP got beat at home by Buffalo last week.)

Houston +15 over Oklahoma State. (OSU might have a let down after last week, and Houston is really good.)

Nebraska -23 over Arkansas State. (Seems like the spread should be higher.)

Louisiana Lafayette +7 over Kansas State. (The game is in La. KSU sucks.)

P.S. Not sure what the line is on the Colorado game, but I'd hate to be betting on the Buffaloes at this point.

P.P.S. If the over/under on Royals losses is 100 -- take the over!

Our Labor Day has come and gone

Just like that, I'm overly stoked for Mizzou football: 2009/2010 National Champs!

There were two Big 12 teams that looked like shit in their first games: Oklahoma and Kansas State. Make that three: Colorado.

Junior turns 10 tomorrow. He was born on 9-9-99.

We more or less celebrated all weekend. He got some new golf clubs and an iPod. We also played a vigorous game of football. These backyard games tend to break out during football season after I've had a couple of beers, maybe seven. I always go all out and hurt myself. This time, in addition to the typical muscle pulls, I think I got a cracked rib.

If you haven't seen this, do yourself a favor and follow it. Probably the best use of Twitter ever.

I'm thinking about tweeting "Stuff My Son Says." Yesterday's entry would have been: "Dad, I'm going over to A.J.'s to play poker."

P.S. Billy Butler is good. Maybe not Blaine Gabbert good, but definitely good.

Matriculating the ball down the field

Today's Facebook status: Is Hank Stram dead? I bet he could teach the Chiefs how to matriculate the ball down the field and, you know, score touchdowns.

Let's see. What's going on? Well, I took my car in yesterday to get a power steering fluid leak fixed, and somehow this is going to cost me $600. (Maybe I should put that on Facebook too?) I wish my employer offered health car insurance for my automobile. Or maybe the government should pay for the repairs I can't afford?

Seriously, how do people afford to live in this country?

Thank God I have beer and now football to make life worth living. Only there's this: my teams are the Chiefs, Mizzou and K-State.

Speaking of Facebook (and football), lots of my "friends" are apparently rabid Huskers fans. I find this disturbing. In recent years, I have come to hate the Huskers even more than the Jayhawks.

The best games tomorrow are on at the same time: Mizzoui vs. Illinois and Oklahoma State vs. Georgia. Those games should be highly revealing.

P.S. I once put on a Nebraska football jersey. It instantly lowered my IQ and gave me the sudden urge to fumble.

P.P.S. This has been pointed out before, but all of the young guys who actually have some value on the Royals are Baird players (except Soria), including Greinke, Butler, Gordon, Teahen and Dejesus.

P.P.P.S. I almost forgot about Dayton's most recent comments in the Star! He really is the kind of sniveling jerk boss who takes credit for good things and is quick to blame everyone and everything he can when things go to shit. He'd fire Hillman in a second if it made him look good. But he's not about to start admitting mistakes.

Defensive thinking

The other day, Joe Posnanski (I think) was discussing alternative strategies to make a team like the Royals competitive. His idea was to go out and get the best defensive player possible at as many positions as possible, and try to win that way. The Royals aren't going to get rid of Betancourt (even though guys like Scutaro and J.J. Hardy will be available in the off-season) and there are other roster realities that must be considered. But they could conceivably field a MUCH better defensive team in 2010 without taking away any offense (how could you possibly take away any more offense from this team?). Here are some guys with nice defensive repuations that will or might be available: Bengie Molina (catcher), Chone Figgins (3B/2B), Adrian Beltre (3B), Carlos Gomez (CF), Nick Swisher (RF), Scutaro, Hardy...

Molina is 35, so he's not the best option. Only at catcher, he probably is the best option. He has power and can catch. He doesn't have OBP skills, but, unlike Olivo, he's not a complete knuckle-head. He will be expensive, but we're already paying Olivo and Buck something like $6.5 million combined. If anybody's got a better catcher idea (I can live with Bryan Pena as the No. 2 catcher), I'd love to hear it. I just don't want Olivo and/or Buck on this team anymore.

For this defensive approach to work, the Royals would have to get rid of Callaspo, who can hit but is the worst fielder I've ever seen. So maybe sign Figgins. He's been playing a good 3B, but he should be a defensive upgrade at 2B as well. Figgins hits and gets on base. He might be expensive. Of course, Scutaro or Hardy would work too!

The Twins don't seem to be in love with Gomez, for good reason. He doesn't get on base, but, for a change, we're only worried about defense here. Gomez is fast and young. He would seem like a much better option in CF than somebody like Josh Anderson or Willy Taveras.

I've always liked Nick Swisher. He's still fairly young, he hits with power and gets on base, and he's versatile in the field. Plus, he's a switch hitter. I'd try to swing a deal for a guy like him and put him in RF.

To make room for these guys, non-tender or trade Jacobs, Teahen, Buck, Olivo and Callaspo. We've also got a couple of relief pitchers coming off the books.

The defense would look something like this:

C - Molina
3B - Gordon
SS - Betancourt
2B - Figgins
1B - Butler/Kila
LF - Dejesus
RF - Swisher

On the bench you'd probably have one or two defensive liabilities and another good fielder. These reserves would come from a group of Guillen (could platoon at DH), Bloomquist, Bryan Pena, Maier, and Aviles, assuming he comes back. (On some days you could have Gordon at 1B, Figgins at 3B, Aviles at 2B and Butler at DH.)

Yeah, I don't see this as a terribly uncoventional or unreasonable or expensive way to try to fix the Royals. The offensive would be better, the defense would be much better (though SS and 1B would still be weak), and it wouldn't cost THAT much.

You've still got a really nice collection of starting pitchers, and surely some of the farm hands (like Disco!) can come up and bolster the bullpen.

Maybe Dayton Moore has a similarly brilliant plan in mind. That's probably why he just got that big extension.

P.S. Didn't Mitch Maier start out as a catcher?

Cash for Clunkers

Maybe Obama could kick in some stimulus money for the Royals? Here is how it would work. The Royals would receive subsidies for getting rid of old, underperforming, inefficient players and replacing them with newer models that get good on-base mileage and don't stink up The K. This, in turn, would boost the morale of several people in parts of Missouri and Kansas who root for the Royals and are probably jobless or under-employed. Just a thought.

P.S. How come nobody has made "Trust the Process" T-shirts yet?

The Chosen Ones

Every move the St. Louis Cardinals make turns to gold. It must have something to do with God being a St. Louis fan, which would obviously make Him the best fan in baseball. (I wonder where He went to high school?)

Does anybody think John Smoltz would have been good at this point for any other team? And check out what Julio Lugo and Matt Holliday have been doing since joining the Cards for the inevitable World Series run:

Lugo .303 .357 .500

Holliday .398 .457 .694

But don't worry about it. Your Kansas City Royals have made some dazzling in-season acquisitions this year: Yuniesky Betancourt, Ryan Freel and Josh Anderson!

P.S. Even American League loser Joel Pinero has a 3.15 ERA in St. Louis, where water in the Mississippi turns to wine on game nights.

The dubious duality of Butler and Gordon

Well, we've heard over and over that the Royals need(ed) Billy Butler and Alex Gordon to have breakout years and big time careers. At least one of them is the real deal.

Alex may still end up having a good career, but the whole idea of him ever being great is starting to seem silly. So it goes. Sure, the Royals probably needed Butler and Gordon to have breakout years if the Royals wanted to contend in 2009. But what I want to consider today is the myth that the Royals reallly did/do need BOTH Gordon and Butler to be saviors (or at least very good MLB ballplayers) in the long term.

Let's think of the Royals top prospects as pairs, much like Butler and Gordon have always been mentioned together.

The obvious Butler-Gordon-like pair is Moustakas and Hosmer. But I'll just throw some others out for fun: Melville and Crow, Montgomery and Duffy, Bianchi and Giavotella, Parraz and Lough, Dwyer and Coleman.

If one of the players in each pair turns out to be a darn good MLB ballplayer and if the other is a bust...would you take that as a Royals fan?

If that were to happen, your big disappointments could look like this (for the sake of this argument): Hosmer, Crow, Duffy, Bianchi, Parraz and Dwyer. But, on the other hand, you could conceivably add the following to the MLB roster within the next three years: a big bat (Moustakas), two solid starting pitchers (Melville and Montgomery), a good middle infielder (Giavotella), a starting outfielder (Lough), and a good reliever (Coleman).

P.S. This is probably not going to happen. If I know the Royals luck (and skill or lack thereof) in developing prospects, there's no way half of these guys are going to make it. Maybe two of them will have some kind of lasting impact at the Major League level. The magic trick is identifying the right two, and trading the others.

P.P.S. Callaspo is so godawful bad at 2B. The defense up the middle is too brutal for words. But, of course, trust the process.

P.P.P.S. Our everyday No. 2 hitter (and today's starting right fielder) has an on-base percentage of .300, and, according to Trey and DM, he's having a solid year. Hey, he plays hard and has a carer high of four home runs!

Thoughts about 1983

I watched the 1983 Pine Tar Game the other day. I would have missed it -- but my brother decided to text me 17 times about U.L. Washington's toothpick and afro while I was trying to take a nap. So I got up and watched most of the game.

And the game that I knew and loved has definitely changed. Of course, I already knew that. But seriously, almost everybody could actually field the ball, people were good at bunting, and there weren't many really huge players. Geez, Craig Nettles used to be something of a power hitter, as I recall. He looked like he weighed a buck fifty. And the Yankees had Bert Campaneris (born in 1942) and a bunch of light hitters out there. The only exceptions were Don Baylor and Dave Winfield (both African Americans), who both could crush the ball in any era. Then there was Lou Pinella out in right field. I love Lou, but he was already on his way to growing that huge beer bellly by 1983.

Anyway, here's the main thing that you can't help but notice. I've mentioned it before; but this is the most dramatic change that has happened to baseball in the past 30 years. The 1983 Royals had U.L., Frank White, Hal McRae, Willie Aikens and Wille Wilson. All African Americans. They also had Amos Otis; I'm not sure what he is, but he always had a nice afro. (The Yankees had Baylor, Winfield, Oscar Gamble, Willie Randolph, and Ken Griffey, etc.) By way of contrast, the 2009 Royals had Coco Crisp. That's it. I think.

Obviously, latin players have taken the place of black players in today's game. It wasn't on purpose, but it's true. If you listen to people who claim to know about these things, it's because black kids don't grow up with baseball at all anymore. They play basketball. (More and more white kids don't grow up with baseball anymore either. They play video games.)

Without going too deep into the race factors, baseball is much worse off -- not because there are a lot more latin players these days, but because there are almost no black players anymore.

P.S. George Brett was the man. This is the second time I've watched a Royals game on Classic lately, and those old games really remind you why George is in the Hall of Fame. The Royals would have been a interesting team without him, but they wouldn't have been good enough to win a bunch of division championships.

P.P.S. I still love Billy Martin!

Have you ever been to the doctor with a Royals-related ailment?

The Royals are the Royals...So let's talk about something else that is so screwed up that nobody will ever be able to figure out how to fix it.

What do you think about this whole health care plan?

Don't we already have national health care? Isn't the government already in charge of the health care for everyone with an AARP card? Isn't the whole thing (government + insurance and drug companies) way too corrupt and expensive? Isn't the whole thing in need of reform?

How the hell do you reform anything in this country these days? The good news is that there's no social security money left, so all of us will work, regardless of our ailments, until we drop dead. Penniless.

I have awesome insurance, so I don't really give a shit about the health care debate. I guess I'm not happy about paying higher rates to cover all of those who are uninsured, though, so it does seem to me like all of us have a stake in this, even if you take out the compassion factor. I say at least try to fix the damn thing in a bi-partisan way. The other side of the argument, it seems to me, boils down to wingnuts shouting the same old thing they've been shouting forever: Get a job!

Obviously, getting a job these days isn't as easy as it used to be. Especially a job with good insurance.

Anyway, like I said, I have awesome insurance. The thing is, though, I never go to the doctor. I am afraid of needles. I am afraid of the crazy diseases I am probably already polluted with...and I just don't want to know. Therefore, I am all the time on the Internet looking up symptoms and remedies, basically diagnosing myself with exotic stuff. This is the reason why I soak my feet in apple cider vinegar. This is the reason I actually got interested in colon cleansing (it's totally bunk) after hearing advertisements on XM radio all the time. At some point, I'm sure I'll want to try out one of those male enhancement products, if for no other reason than curiosity...Do you want to perform better? Sure, it couldn't hurt. Do you want to be larger? I am not opposed to the idea...I mean, it's no wonder they're selling the hell out of those pills, even if they don't actually work.

But I would never go to a doctor in my right mind unless I had a compound fracture or some kind of laceration that definitely required stitches. In those cases, the reason for going to the doctor is perfectly obvious and the wounds are somehow masculine. In other cases, you're going to the doctor because something MIGHT be wrong. And there's always the chance of needles or really bad news.

I should mention that I did go the emergency room a few years ago because I was having a heart attack, which seemed like a good enough reason to go at the time. But as it turns out, I was having a panic/anxiety attack. So I only ended up at the hospital that time because I was CRAZY. (I blame the Royals.)

Anyway, everyone should be more like me. Then health care wouldn't be quite as expensive. Until you get really sick.

In conclusion, I think the best way for us to frame this health care debate is as follows: Just give all of us an opportunity to get the same health care that the Kansas City Royals enjoy from their mediocre (at best) medical training staff. It wouldn’t be great care, by any stretch of the imagination, but if we could get it (on the cheap) for everyone who can’t afford insurance, I think that would have to be considered a win.

NOTE: I am not giving up my awesome insurance and going with the Royals option.

P.S. I haven't been bagging on the Obama haters, even though I want to really bad, because I did expend quite a bit of energy going after Dubya. Fair is fair. And I do see where Obama screws up. People have a right to express dissent. But I have to say that this whole Limbaugh-Palin crowd and their followers really, really scare me. More and more every day. The things they believe in and advocate are shocking.

P.P.S. At the risk of jinxing him, the Big Donkey (Butler) is really hitting the ball well these days.

The Callaspo Conundrum

Alberto Callaspo is too good at hitting not to be in the Royals lineup, but he's too bad at fielding to play 2B. Callaspo is arguably the worst fielder on the team. That would be fine if the Royals had a bunch of gold glovers at other positions. But they obviously don't. So how do you make him playable in 2010? The Royals would have to have a better fielding shortstop than Yuniesky "Can't Find a Better Man" Betancourt. You'd have to find a really good defensive CF. Those two things might make Callaspo and the Royals a tolerable defensive team. Yet, even with Callaspo's bat, the Royals offense is still going to suck in 2010 without major changes.

I say trade him in the off-season. He might be worth something.

Yuni's going to play no matter what. If it looks like Aviles might make a healthy and productive comeback at some point next season, he could play 2B. So we still need a CF who can really play the position and hit...somebody like Coco Crisp in his un-hurt prime. Pena could be the full-time catcher and Kila could be in a DH platoon with Guillen, who will probably come off the disabled list some day while he's still under contract with the Royals.

Anyway, the offense is going to suck again in 2010. Even if Butler and (hopefully) Gordon blossom, the lineup is still going to suck. And so, probably, is the defense. Also: the team will still be slow.

Which is why they should trade Dejesus (or move him back to CF) and somehow get an OF who can really mash. (Good luck with that, Dayton!)

If they fix the bullpen, maybe the 2010 team will play better than the 2009 team. But DM has screwed up the roster and there's really not much hope in sight. Again.

Somebody tell me how to fix this team. If you're DM, what do you do? Given financial constraints and roster realities, what moves need to be made to make the Royals competitive in 2009? It's going to take a lot of creativity. And a miracle.

P.S.

Dayton loves him/He don't want to see him this way/He needs him/That's why he'll be back again/Yuniesky Betancourt! Yuniesky Bentancourt! Yuniesky Betan coooo ooo ort!

Deadline day

I just want to say that I like Teahen and Bannister. In addition to Greinke, they are my favorite players. And neither one of them is really good enough to get anything in return via trade. So I would prefer they stay Royals.

I hope everyone else on the team (except Greinke) gets traded today.

P.S. Forgot about Soria. Don't trade him.

P.P.P.S. And Butler. Keep Billy. And maybe Luke.

Yuni's song

We have two finalists (I think) for the silly Yuniesky Betancourt song to be chanted drunkenly at The K.

All yuni is love...All yuni is love, love...Love is all yuni need.

Or

You better, you better, you bettancourt.

Rob came up with both, I think. Feel free to vote.

P.S. Jeremy really liked "Hey Yuni you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, hey Yuni!" But I pointed out that the same thing would work for Greinke or Banny or a lot of other guys.

Poz and the cycle of suck

Joe Posnanski has been trying to point out the obvious.

But Poz has to go over to The K and look into the souls of Dayton Moore and Trey Hillman from time to time, so he has to be fair and careful. The thing is, he can't be too conservative. He is, of course, a journalist/columnist, and he’s charged with sharing facts, lies, opinions and injustices with The Public. After all, he’s the one with the access.

The purposes of communication are to inform, persuade, entertain and inspire. And Posnanski is one of the few sports columnists who is actually good at all four. He’s one of the best. But he stashes some of his very best work on his blog, which is informal, funny, meandering, and most of all it contains hard truths about the Royals. Lately, some of the stuff in his blog is much better than the stuff in the printed paper, and that illustrates one of the many reasons why newspapers as we know them are dying.

Anyway, Poz is a nice guy. That's obvious. He writes like a nice guy. He generally pussy-foots around the hard truths in order not to be mean. He can't help it. I like him a lot. I wish I knew him. He's a great writer...This is my Poz way of giving him his due before I tear him down...Except I'm not going to tear him down. I'm just going to show you how his next column in The Star should start.

This is more or less the way he'll write it when he eventually writes it...

Dayton Moore was one of the brightest baseball minds available when the Royals hired him away from the Atlanta Braves. Everybody agreed. Heck, the Boston Red Sox allegedly tried to hire the guy the year before the Royals lured him to KC. When David Glass made the decision to give Dayton what he wanted and bring him to town, it was an indication to people in baseball that maybe, just maybe, the owner in Kansas City (who lives in Arkansas) really was sick of losing.

Meanwhile, Trey Hillman was a successful manager in Japan. They said he got the most out of his talent, that he was a fundamentals guy. They said he was a winner. He was originally from the Yankees organization, and it was rumored that, if the Royals didn't hire him as manager, the Yankees were considering it. Also, he's from Texas and he's probably in the Guinness Book of World Records -- in the facial hair section. You don't mess with a guy like that.

(I will say at this point that it would be easier to make Hillman sound really tough if his first name was Mitch or Hank, or anything, really, other than Trey. Same goes for Dayton. You can practically get kicked out of the Army just for having a name like Trey or Dayton.)

So Dayton hired Trey. They were going to do the impossible. They were going to make the Kansas City Royals winners again. It was a good story. Some Royals fans even believed it would come true.

And, hey, the Royals were trying to throw some real money at free agents. They were starting to sign some expensive draft picks. The Royals even erected one of the most audacious scoreboards in the history of sports. I mean that thing would make almost anybody proud to be a fan and a taxpayer, right?

Maybe things really were going to turn around?

Only, no, the Royals are still as bad as ever, even though they have Greinke, and it doesn't look like anything on the field is going to change any time soon. Sure, you’d think Dayton and Trey deserve more time. It's not their fault that the farm system was in a state of complete disrepair...It's not their fault that baseball rules require you to field a shortstop.

But it is their fault that they have not kept up with the new information that is available when it comes to the game of baseball. It’s like they collectively lost their relatively young minds as soon as they got to KC. The only person who can get away with not keeping up with the times these days, apparently, is Denny Matthews, who insists on denying the merits of computers.

My dad is a retired CPA. (OK, now this is obviously starting to sound more like me than Posnanski; my dad has never even been to Cleveland.) Anyway, Dad still has all these tax manuals from 1984 in his den. He’s still a really smart man, but, because of those old manuals, I’m a little afraid to ask him for advice on money (not that I have any) and taxes. He’d probably try to get me to hide the money I don’t really have in some Reagan era loop hole tax shelter that no longer exists.

And this is the problem with the Royals.

Dayton and Trey are stubbornly clinging to the idea that they know everything there is to know, despite evidence to the contrary. They think injuries and possibly the rabid badgers in the KC media, along with one pesky dermatologist from Detroit, have shipwrecked their season. The injuries hurt, but there are other obvious reasons for failure that are too numerous to go into in detail, so let’s just list some of them:

On-base percentage, serious lack of team speed, terrible base running, atrocious defense, negligent medical/training staff, Jose Guillen, Mike Jacobs, on-base percentage, Horacio Ramirez, treacherous bullpen management, whoever the third base coach is, horrible on-base percentage for the last DECADE, Tompkins Industries, Hillman’s hair face. And so on.

Heck, we’re talking about an organization that employed Tony Pena Jr. as a Major League Baseball player for two years.

Meanwhile, most organizations hire special baseball statisticians, known as sabremetricians (sabermetricians?), to help them evaluate and analyze data about players. Lots of smart people know about this stuff. All of the smart organizations utilize the information to help them avoid expensive and disastrous mistakes.

Dayton and Trey apparently think it’s stupid to rely on opinions that don’t come from crusty scouts. Sometimes they have open animosity for objective analysis. They are fairly young, but they’re definitely old school. Any nerdy stat head could have told Dayton that Mike Jacobs and Yuniesky Betancourt don’t have a chance in hell at getting on base enough to help this team. Everybody knows Trey can’t be trusted to utilize Soria correctly, manage a bullpen in general, or make Gil Meche come out of a game before he hurts himself.

And any casual stat head could tell you that Dayton and Trey don’t have a chance in hell of turning this team around.

So now Dayton and Trey are paranoid and they’re making excuses out at The K. That’s when you know it’s not going to end well. You hate to see it, you really do. Especially when we’re going to have to continue to watch this whole thing rot and fester for at least another summer or two.

Glass will keep Moore around as long as possible, because he hired him, and Moore will keep Hillman around for as long as possible, because he hired him. This is the way things work. Kansas City is stuck in a cycle of suck.

P.S. Posnanski would have put a lot more statistics and examples in this, because, unlike me, he really does know what he’s talking about. He puts it all in his blog.

P.P.S. Rany Jazayerli has used the words “vortex of suck” to describe the Royals – and Rany has been very wordy about his displeasure. (In the business, this kind of disclosure is known as attribution after the fact.)

P.P.P.S. You could probably get kicked out of the Army for having a name like Lance, too.

P.P.P.P.S. Yes, I know lots of other Royals fans and bloggers have been saying and writing this stuff for a long time. I just think that it should be in PRINT somewhere instead of only on the Internets. In that way, I am old school.

Last P.S. My dad’s den is actually his garage. He actually does know his stuff, though, and I would happily go to him for advice. The analogy was embellished slightly.

We're sick of sucking

If you were my Facebook friend, you would know that I saw Dweezil Zappa last weekend in KC. I wonder if Dweezil can play shortstop?

We had such high hopes for this new regime. It was pretty obvious right away that Trey Hillman was an idiot. But now we all have to admit that Dayton Moore is going to fail as well, right? It's not that the Betancourt deal is that big of a deal at all. But when you put it into context (like so many fans and bloggers have), it's just too much to take. I tried to defend DM, but we all knew the Royals main problem on offense was OBP. So Dayton gives us Jacobs and Olivo and now Betancourt to go along with Guillen. It had to be almost impossible to put together a lineup that useless. But at least they are slow and play bad defense.

I would eat Jacobs' contract and get Kila up here to platoon at DH with Guillen. And I think the Royals have to consider eating all of what's left of Guillen's big contract next year. Next year, we need to be rid of, at all costs: Jacobs, Guillen, Olivo and Buck. And DDJ and Callaspo (though he sure can hit) are on our trade list for being dumb and slow.

If anybody out there is actuallly going to Royals games at this point, you should make a big sign that says: We're Sick of Sucking!

That sums it all up for me.

P.S. If Greinke played for a decent team, he'd probably be 14-1 right now.

The Royal We and anonymity are getting old

Obviously, this blog thing is kind of getting old. I think I'll use it when the Royals are winning or when I'm really pissed off. But, hey, do you guys want to be friends on Facebook? I know it's kind of lame and possibly gay, but whatever. I don't really know half the people who I'm "friends" with on that thing, anyway, and most of the other "friends" are people who I haven't seen since high school. But sometimes I do post witty shit on there just to freak people out. And some of it is ocassionally about the Royals. Plus, it would be nice to have as many Royals fans as possible as friends. Safety in numbers. And, too, it would nice to be able to know more about the few weird people who actually have read this blog. ANYWAY: http://www.facebook.com/people/Lance-Feyh/695064269 .

P.S. This is not to suggest in any way that I am ever going to sign up for that retarded Twitter thing. And I still think texting is stupid (though sometimes I do it).

P.P.S. This blog will still be very active at times, I suspect, especially in the off-season when the in-season stuff isn't so depressing and when the Royals are making big trades or signings. I fully expect them to re-sign Jose Lima or something. Also: I like to get very excited at the very beginning of the season, before the shit hits the fan.

P.P.P.S. Don't tell that damn Peg Bundy that I put her picture live on the Internets. Sincerely, Al.

P.P.P.P.S. I just accidentally found out what happens when you type in www.bigdonkeys.com. (It's actually pictures of women, apparently, believe it or not.)

Pena coladas

Our brother actually did something at The K last weekend that topped him wearing a halter top throughout the game. A prolific coiner of silly songs to be sung loud and drunk at the stadium (Tony Graffanino! Drives an El Camino!), he came up with the following, which soon caught fire, spread across phone lines, and was sung throughout this fine nation on Independence Day to pay tribute to Tony Pena Junior:

"If you like Pena Coladas...and grounding out twice a game. If you like striking out at midnight...and causing Royals fans a pain."

And so on.

The Royals still suck, but it's a beautiful day

So how's it going out there? How are the Royals doing? Does the defense still suck? Has there been any production at all out of the SS position? Did Coco's arm get better? Is Trey starting to get a feel for managing the pitching staff? Is Guillen moving any better these days? Is Jacobs getting hot? Did the Royals call up Kila yet? Is DeJesus still slow? Has Trey been able to get Soria into more games? Is Bloomquist still the catalyst of the offense? Has Callaspo gotten better at 2B? Has anybody hit a fucking seagull lately?

Oh well. At least Butler is starting to look good. And Luke. And, of course, Greinke is great.

So apparently today is Send Your Buddy Some Titties Day. This is even better than Halter Top Day -- at least the 2009 version of Halter Top Day. Our dad sent us some titties by email. Maybe we should just post them here in honor of the national holiday?

Go Cards!

That's it. I am going to become a Cardinals fan. Even bought a Cardinals lighter last night, just to see if it was possible. It's in my pocket now. I am looking forward to enjoying the managerial excellence of Tony LaRussa.

P.S. Coco needs to be on the DL.

P.S.

The Royals don't have much power, but at least they're slow. Dejesus and Callaspo don't look like they'd be slow, but they REALLY are SLOW.

Trade Dejesus and Jacobs, call up Kila, dump HoRam, play Tug, trade for Jack Wilson, wait for Gordon to come back, play B. Pena, move Disco and Parraz up to Omaha, maybe sign Mulder. There. Not great, but better. How hard does it have to be?

A good summer spoiled

All generalizations are false, including this one.

All you need is ignorance and confidence and success is sure. The Royals lack confidence. And an offense.

As an example to others, and not that I care for moderation myself, it has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain from smoking when awake.

Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Trey Hillman is seldom able to see an opportunity until it has ceased to be one.

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were the Royals manager. But I repeat myself.

The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right.

Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial "we."

The public is merely a multiplied me.

When angry, count to four. When very angry, swear.

Kiss my ass, I bought a boat

Consider this an ongoing filibuster protest:

We've got some beans and some good cornbread.

I said I don't like hippies and I don't like cornbread. And I don't like much.

She was 18. Maybe. What's a year or two?

This old porch is like a steaming, greasy plate of enchiladas.

With lots of cheese and onions and guacamole salad.

We're takin everything except the picture of Martin Luther King.

His family owns a newspaper and an opulent disco.

Sherry she had big ones. Sally had some too.

But Allison had little ones what hate to go to school.

Some things are heavy but they ain't worth the weight.

Walk through the bottomland without no shoes.

Kiss my ass, I bought a boat, I'm going out to sea.

I live in my own mind. Ain't nothin but a good time.

If I were like lightning, I wouldn't need no sneakers.

Lord she claimed she was 5-foot-2.

I swore that there weren't nothin to it.

Pulling out for Reno, hope the tire don't blow.

She's no lady, she's your wife.

But now there won't nobody listen to him, cause they all think he's crazy.

Nothin shakin on Shakedown Street

Might be going to hell in a bucket, babe, but at least I'm enjoying the ride.

I need a woman about twice my age.

It's a shame those boys couldn't be more copasetic.

Sign the Mona Lisa with a spray can, call it art.

Nothin shakin on Shakedown Street, used to be the heart of town.

The first one say she's got my child, but it don't look like me.

Saw my baby down by the river, knew she'd have to come up soon for air.

Wake up to find out that you are the eyes of the world.

She spoke so kind and she talked so fair, well, Samson said, Delilah, you cut off my hair.

Whistle through your teeth and spit.

We can share what we got of yours, cause we done shared all of mine.

Screw it

I don't care anymore. Didn't even watch or listen to any of the last two games. Going to concentrate on fishing or something.

So far

We just went back and looked at our answers in Sam Mellinger's pre-season over/under contest. The only one we're completely screwed on is the number of Alex Gordon home runs. Most of the others look pretty good so far...

1. Jose Guillen's on-base percentage: .320 OVER

2. Miguel Olivo and John Buck combined home runs: 25 1/2 UNDER

3. On-field body slams by Kyle Farnsworth: 1/2 UNDER

4. Willie Bloomquist's starts at 2B: 100 UNDER

5. Zack Greinke Cy Young ballot points: 1/2 OVER

6. Mike Jacobs HR: 26 1/2 OVER

7. Gil Meche wins: 13 1/2 OVER

8. Kyle Davies innings: 165 OVER

9. Alex Gordon's HR: 20 1/2 OVER

10. Billy Butler's on-base-plus-slugging percentage: .800 OVER

11. Mike Aviles batting average: .295 UNDER

12. Combined innings for Royals starting pitchers 950 OVER

13. Joakim Soria's saves: 37 1/2 U NDER

14: Royals finish: 3 1/2 (in this case, an under pick means they'll finish third or better) UNDER

15. Royals wins: 76 1/2 OVER

2.15 MILLION ATTENDANCE.

The Curse of Buddy Biancalana

We wrote this before the season started:

There's only one thing that really worries us about the 2009 Kansas City Royals. It's not Mike Jacobs' on-base percentage. It's not Willie Bloomquist's contract. It's not Jose Guillen's temper. It's not even the threat that Trey Hillman will ask Billy Butler to bunt. Here is what really worries us: the infield defense.

A.C. has no range, Teahen is starting to be exposed at 3B, SS is a cursed position in KC...Thank God, we've got Billy Butler at 1B.

Here are some other things that are worrying us right now: We don't have a viable SS, Kyle Davies, Guillen's defense, Gil Meche, the catching situation, Soria's arm, Coco's arm, David Dejesus, and the state of Greenland's ice shelf.

At least three of those situations need to be rectified fast.

To be fair, here are some things that are good (so they're probably obvious): Greinke (obviously), AC's bat, Teahen's ability to hit the ball with authority to the opposite field, team OBP, Bannister, the return of Bale, Mitch Meier as a bench player, Guillen at the dish, Jacobs' ability to hit the big fly, and the continued maturity of Green Day.

P.S. Guess we now know why Coco's arm has been so pathetic and erratic. Maybe he'll just have a below average arm if his shoulder heals?

BTW, it's been our personal experience that shoulders never heal on their own, even when we're talking about a non-pitcher.

PSBTW -- Yes, we used to pitch. Our fastball was our out pitch, and we weren't afraid to go inside. (We actually caused at least two brawls, and we were one of the smallest guys on the team.) Later, we switched exclusively to change-ups, which, as we recall, got hit very, very hard.

The Royals are sketchy

We walked all around The Hill and ended up eating at Rigazzi's (again). The food isn't that great, but we really like the atmosphere. We also went to Blueberry Hill. Junior played video poker at the bar at both places while we drank beer and smoked.

We can't stop our father from saying I-Talian. Surprised he didn't get rolled.

There was a Dirt Cheap next to our Holiday Inn. We bought some Vantage Ultra-Lights. Old school.

We sat way up high on Sunday. It was hard to find the ball. In those situations, you have to watch the outfielders in order to track fly balls.

The Cardinals need to renovate that stadium already. The concourses need to be widened and they've got to figure out a way to move traffic from the upper levels to the lower levels more efficiently. Leaving the game took forever, and we felt TRAPPED while trying to descend and find an opening out.

Bannister really bailed the Royals out Sunday. So did Bale (and Jacobs).

Butler is starting to get his swing on.

But the Royals aren't a very good team, at all, right now.

The games on Friday and Saturday and yesterday were too ugly for words.

Hopefully Greinke doesn't give up more than one run tonight.

P.S. Junior thinks I say the word "sketchy" too much. He's probably right.

Got the balls to take my money and get a real Playboy bunny

Whatever.

Got the tickets. Going up to St. Louis Saturday and to the game on Sunday. We want to go to The Hill and eat because Dad likes the Old Country vibe. But where to eat there is the question. We've tried a few places, and while we like the vibe, we're not sure the food was THAT great. Any recommendations?

We'll also go over to The Loop.

Also: Is The Metro Train or whatever they call it really crowded prior to games?

This will be Junior's first game in St. Louis.

We're trying to resist the temptation to come out and give all of the reasons why we're suddenly highly skeptical of this Royals team ending up being much better than past teams, even though the conventional wisdom is that it's a much improved team that may or not contend. Let's just say that the problems aren't really on offense. Some of the biggest problems haven't even shown up as real problems yet. We're just starting to get that sinking feeling. That's why some of these great stretches and great games this year have only made us moderately giddy.

OK. We've gotten explosively giddy a couple of times, which was great fun. Hopefully this mirage of contention lasts a while longer.

Just please take 2 out of 3 from the Cardinals.

Oh, and the Tigers are looking tough.

P.S. The Royals most reliable pitcher out of the pen right now is Farnsworth. Scary times.

You have GOT to be crappin me!

OMFG! THAT just happened. This is SO bizzare. It's like the Royals buried the bodies of Bob Hamelin and Ken Harvey on the grounds of The New K for luck. (Harvey is buried somewhere under the tarp.)

Hi

For some reason, we haven't been keeping up with this blog lately. But that doesn't mean we're too high or low on the Royals right now. Reminds us of these lyrics:

I been on Main Street
I been on every street,
I been high but I been low more.
Ain't got no angles left,
With my heartstrings dangling down
I'm coming round to letting go.

This doesn't mean that we're letting go of our passion for the Royals. It's just that we're getting more...mellow. It must have something to do with age.

And then Callaspo boots a ball or Hillman does some dumbass thing, and we go ballistic like we're George Fuckin Brett on a golf course.

But it passes and we try to find our special mellow place again. This is a lot easier to do when the Royals are actually winning Major League Baseball games, which means we are more content now than we've been in a lot of years (six-game losing streaks and shitty defense aside).

Anyway, we're maturing. Yesterday, we even managed to watch Game Five of the 1976 playoffs. If you're too young to have it seared into your memory, this was the Chris Chambliss home run game. What we had never seen before is the interview with Brett in the clubhouse after Chambliss finished fighting through the crowd of humanity that was trying to congratulate him in a sort of frenzied New York kind of way. (It looked like Pamplona out there!) Anyway, the reporter asked a dejected George if he was trying to hit a three-run homer in the at-bat that resulted in the Royals tying the game late. George said the wall was 310 feet away, so he was trying to hit it 311.

And we fully realized that Kansas City never would been good enough to lose to the Yankees those three straight years, never would have been good enough to make it to the World Series in 1980, and never would have been good enough to win the World Series in 1985...without George Fuckin Brett. He can say whatever the fuck he wants to say in KC, and probably should.

P.S. We really need to score some tickets to one of the games in St. Louis this weekend. If you get us the tickets, we'll let you guest-post whatever the hell you want to on this blog for the rest of the season. What an enticement!

Uh-oh

! ?

This team is immune to long losing streaks. THIS team is immune to long losing streaks. This team is IMMUNE to long losing streaks. This team is immune to LONG losing streaks.

Living on Hillbilly Time

Yeah, the defense is bad. Guillen can't run. Soria is hurt. Aviles can't hit anymore and Dejesus can't seem to do anything right right now. Oh well. We're still in first place, and the only thing that's really bothering us is that tonight's game in Oakland doesn't start until past 9 p.m. Hillbilly Time.

We have lots of thoughts on the Royals, but none of them seem to be especially brilliant or original. So we'll just keep it short until we come up with some stupid things that we're just dying to say/write.

P.S. Butler almost got thrown out at second on a recent double off the wall. That's one of our favorite plays in baseball, and it almost always involves Billy. Or Jacobs.

P.P.S. Brad Pitt, who grew up in the house that was two houses behind our house, is playing Billy Beane in the movie version of Moneyball. The San Francisco Chronicle (apparently its still in business) has an article about the film. Wonder who will play Mark Teahen? Word on the street is that Bill James will be depcited as an animated cartoon character.

P.P.P.S. Oh, what the hell, here's another link for those of you who like to read stuff. The Atlantic is currently publishing some of the best journalism writing that we know of.

Down go the ChiSox

Here were our thoughts while listening to last night's game...

Davies needs to capture that late September, early April mojo.

Is Callaspo on steroids?

Why isn't Coco running more?

We think it's probably a good idea to pay union workers too much money to create things like the new crown on the scoreboard. It seems to us that this captures the essence of what stimulus is all about. Use taxpayer money to fund frivolous but cool things that the taxpayers can enjoy, while supporting a work force that earns good wages. If we're going to throw away huge sums of money, we might as well get something out of it, like jobs and a renovated stadium. Take, for instance, the St. Louis Arch. It's totally impractical and American. Think of all of the guys who got paid to build that thing back in the day. Think about how important it has become to the city and nation, even though it doesn't serve any real purpose. The time is right to invest in the next big ideas that don't make any sense but put people to work.

Is there anybody out there?

Have you ever melted plastic in your oven?

It's not a good idea to cook in conjunction with gin.

Who's our main competition in the division? The Tigers?

What's the deal with Davies? He's looking like a weak link lately.

Why can't John Buck throw ANYBODY out?

Jacobs! Holy Smokes!

Ozzie Guillen is more intelligent than he acts.

More walks by guys like Guillen and Jacobs? Good sign.

Why send the runner from third with no outs?

Thanks, Hillman, for pinch-running for Guillen and Butler in the seventh innning of a runfest. (But we probably should have gone ahead and won it in the seventh.)

Remember when Dejesus was good?

Remember when J. Wright was an afterthought?

Holy Schnikes! We win. Looks like we're going to have to get used to this.

Just checking in

Do you ever get down on your knees and thank the Baby Jesus that Greinke is a Royal?

The Royals are actually getting to the point where they're predictably good.

We bought another shirt that doesn't fit. This is becoming a trend. Are they making them smaller these days, or are we really getting fat?

Christ, we've been walking to and from work for the past few weeks. You'd think the beer belly would go away, just like that.

Winning is so much better than losing

Tony Pena Jr. could ground out with one hand tied behind his back.

Jacobs is about due for a couple of dingers, isn't he?

We like Jose Guillen. We can't help it.

Hard to keep Hochevar down.

No, we didn't pick the winner of the Kentucky Derby.

Yes, we went to the Elks Club to watch the Derby on Saturday and place wagers.

Friday's special at the Elks Club was frog legs.

On Derby Day, there was a women's hat contest. Lots of really old ladies (on the prowl) and big hats.

Miguel Olivo lives in his own mind. That attempted steal of home was stupid ridiculous, and awesome.

Anybody see Farnsworth lately?

Callaspo and Bloomquist already have more extra base hits than we expected out of them for the entire season.

Coco is a fine centerfieler.

Coco can't throw, but we don't care.

We bought some seriously funky silk shirts on Commercial Street. One of them doesn't fit, though.

HoRam looks pretty good in the pen. Late in games, somebody's going to have to get out the following on a consisistent basis: Mauer, Morneau, Thome, Sizemore, Martinez, Granderson, etc. This is something that scares us.

OK. It's Greinke time.

Billy Butler: more than just a delicate flower

Well, the Big Donkey fell just short of hitting for the cycle last night. All he needed was a triple.

This guy was in our yard the other night, and he runs exactly like Butler:

Does anybody else think the whole Soria thing is as dumbass corrupt as the Dubya White House? The Royals and Hillman are lying. They didn't withhold info about Soria's condition in order get a competitive edge. That doesn't make any sense. They didn't know he was stiff until Hillman failed to pitch him for more than a week. And that's why he was stiff!

Zack Greinke. Ho hum.

Greinke goes tonight

"I like the guacamole,” Greinke said. “Now, I don’t really love the guacamole. So I get it when I feel like it. They changed their guacamole from $1.50 to $1.80. I mean, $1.50 is already pretty darn high. So they changed it to $1.80, and I’ll never again get guacamole.”

"So, when I saw her at the library, I said, 'I don't want to look like a loser going to the library during lunch, but...I've got two positives. One, I hate lunch. Two, I could try to put some moves on her.'"

"She, like, has a special mouth...so that her breath is usually pretty good, but she complains about mine a lot."

"There definitely will be flying cars, but whether there'll be flying cars for most people to use, it'll probably take a long time to straighten everything out, all the rules and hassles. It'll take a while to figure out how to keep people from crashing into each other."

"This was the first time Billy Butler's ever looked...like a defensive specialist over there."

“There’s a lot more interesting stuff going on right now,” he said. “They should have something else on the cover. Playoff basketball or something else. So it’s a mistake. They’ll probably sell their least amount of magazines in a long time - except when NASCAR was on the cover.”

P.S. Dear God: Please let Meche be OK.

Who cares about Banny's strikeout-to-walk ratio?

Nice win last night. Not sure how Banny does it. Smoke and mirrors?

If Guillen can have one of his hot months while the starting pitching is smoking, we might be in really great shape by the end of May.

But we haven't addressed this Soria thing yet. We have a theory. We think Soria's shoulder got stiff because HE HADN'T PITCHED IN NINE DAYS. We don't think he was hurt at all, until Hillman failed to use him properly. Baseball pitchers are like racing horses. You have to give them the proper workouts and monitor everything they do. Anyway, we think this is all Hillman's fault. If we're right, that is just about the worst thing a Royals manager has ever done. And that's saying a lot.

But Hillman is saying, in retrospect, that he didn't get Soria into those games because he was hurt, not because the manager was an idiot. We're calling bullshit.

Hopefully Soria isn't ruined for the year. These things rarely turn out well.

P.S. You know by now that Greinke is going to be on the cover of Sports Illustrated. Kill a chicken or sacrifice a goat or something.

P.P.S. Soria didn't pitch much in Spring Training either. It seems obvious that he just needs to get back in the groove. Or maybe he needs surgery?

This post was actually going to be interesting at one point

We are two games behind. We actually took drunken notes during Banny's start, but we forgot to post them yesterday and now they're out of date. Oh well. Here are some highlights anyway:

The right side of the infield is a freak show!

How good would Callaspo be if he was a good 2B?

Baseball players are usually dumb as shit; but the look in Callaspo's eyes leads us to believe that he would score approximately 7 on th ACT.

Banny!

Freak show! We're ready to sign Grudz. We really do like Callaspo as a hitter, but he's a horrible 2B.

If fucking Farnsworth (Farnyard) comes into this game, we're going to shit our pants.

Banny!!

Aviles is lost. Our middle infield is a disaster. Sign Grudz! (God forbid we start to think about TPJ.)

Banny!!!

Moneyball!! Doh! Butler is slooowow.

Jamie Wright is alright.

The recovery of the global economy and the future of the free world depend upon The Mexicutioner's right shoulder.

Fuckin Olivo. We've had it with that guy.

Strike Three. Put that in your Peace Pipe, Chief Wahoo!

OK. That was Wednesday night. Now it's Friday. That thing yesterday was a debacle.

What's wrong with Mahay?

Shit list: Farnyard, Mahay, Olivo, Aviles, Butler.

Non-shit list: Gil, Zack, Davies, Banny, Teahen, Callaspo (as a hitter), Butler (as a first baseman, believe it or not), Jacobs (as a DH), Coco.

Soria's making things a little more interesting this year.

P.S. The original post had some stuff in it about lesbians, art majors, scotch, Jesus, lubricants, Pi, and Eddie Money. But we cut all that junk because it was either too much information or because it just no longer seemed funny. Kinda like the rest of the stuff we actually did post.

P.P.S. Does the Tony Gonzalez deal mean the Chiefs might draft a TE like, say, Chase Coffman in the third round? Or do they already have another TE? We forget. Regardless, a lot of shit is going to go down with the Chiefs in the next day or so.

And we need you today, oh Banny!

We were busy/distracted last night and didn't get to listen to the game closely. We thought it was going to be a real boring stinker anyway, and then we were surprised the Royals came back. The question for those of you who actually watched or listened to the whole thing is: How can we blame this loss on Hillman? Feel free to be creative in your answers.

Obviously the Royals grounded into too many double plays. And it sounded like Jacobs just missed a home run that would have been the difference in the long run.

One thing we know is: We are sick of that turd Olivo. Get rid of him and his whack-attack approach at the plate, and let Buck and B. Pena play. Also, Olivo, who throws well, is terrible at catching the ball. This is a bad trait in a catcher.

Tonight, we're going to listen to every inning (unless the Royals are getting killed). And we're gonna take notes. So, depending on how much beer/scotch we drink, tomorrow's post should be fun.

P.S. When we hinted that Josh Hamilton was the Destroyer of Worlds last week, we must have been thinking of Grady Sizemore.

P.P.S. Yes, we are evoking Barry Manilow in the headline.

P.P.P.S. We can't get enough of this HoRambo guy on Royals Corner.

P.P.P.P.S. When the season started last year, Banny was our No. 2 starter. And still there are some who insist that there's no such thing as progress.

Seems like something Seitzer could fix

They're pitching Aviles outside and he's trying to pull everything. It's very obvious. Seems like something Seitzer could fix. Also, with two strikes, the pitcher will try to get Aviles to chase a high fastball almost every time.

Hochevar is kicking ass in Omaha.

All of the teams in the AL Central look pretty even to us. If we can minimize the Farnsworth effect, we like our chances.

This just in: Bannister is up, HoRam to the pen. So whose place will Hochevar ultimately take in the rotation, Banny's or Ponson's?

It should end up being a deep rotation, in addition to being a good rotation.

Yes, we are really starting to like our chances of being in it at the trade deadline this year. (Seems like we said the same thing this time last year.)

For now, We just need to keep tweaking the lineup to get the most out of our offensive players, and to hide our bad defensive players late in close games.

And Trey needs to understand this very clearly: His best pitchers in the pen are Tejeda, Cruz and Soria. In that order.

But Greinke was fantastic!

Well, Trey Hillman leads the majors in blown saves.

But we're not going to talk about that, or anybody else, except to say that Zack's game the other night was beautiful.

All of the other Royals blogs have the obvious grillings of Hillman and Farnsworth. We don't even want to contemplate it anymore.

P.S. Signing Farnsworth for too much money and then actually pitching him in high leverage situations is the definintion of compounding a mistake.

P.P.S. The infield defense sucks.

P.P.P.S. Teahen is money again.

Alex Gordon has a BIG boo boo

For the love of Bob Saget, what are we going to do now! Son of bitch! Shit. Jesus, where is this team going to find some offense? It's time to panic. Or drink heavily. Or whatever.

He's not concerned with yesterday

He knows constant change is here today
He's noble enough to know what's right
But weak enough not to choose it
He's wise enough to win the world
But fool enough to lose it.

Ponson hasn't been half bad. He's worth more than Farnsworthless and/or HoRambo.

The pitching's likely to be less impressive in Texas, no matter who's on the mound, but that's to be expected.

Jacobs is as advertised; bad defense, big stick. He's going to hit a lot of dingers, and, so far, he's been a pretty patient hitter. We like him.

Olivo is the least patient hitter in baseball. If he doesn't hit an occasional home run, he's less than worthless.

We've been saying for at least a year that the Royals need another right-handed BAT. Everybody kept telling us how good we were against LHP last year -- but we STILL need a right-handed BAT (even when Guillen comes back).

We're going to need another left-handed pitcher before the season's through, too.

Did anybody else notice that the St. Louis Blues are in the playoffs?

Coco Crisp is going to have a fantastic year. We have always liked him, and we like him even better now.

Dejesus needs to start hitting.

If only two pitchers on this team are going to suck, Fartsworth and HoRambo, then this team is going to be really good.

We can't stop watching crab fishing and Dog The Bounty Hunter on the teevee, even though the stories remain the same.

We'd like to see a lot of Callaspo at 2B and Teahen in RF while Guillen's out.

We'd also like to see a little more of B. Pena.

If you've got Gordon, Jacobs and Teahen available to start against a LHP, you should probably try not to start any two of them. Hence the need for another RH bat. Bloomquist and TPJ don't count.

Josh Hamilton is going to be worth at least two runs per game this weekend, all by himself. That dude rakes.

Imagine how good the Rangers would be if they had a few of the Royals pitchers to go along with Millwood.

Later.

It's Getaway Day!

Go Royals! (This artwork has NOTHING to do with Royals baseball. We just found some sweet Rush art on this site.)

The Bird was The Dude

Big Donkeys watched Mark Fidrych pitch against the Yankees last night, thanks to classic TV.

Big Donkeys thinks that dude (Fidrych) personified everything that was cool about the seventies.

Big Donkeys thinks The Bird was a good name for Fidrych and for Charlie Parker.

Big Donkeys noticed that there were a lot more black dudes playing back then. More white guys too.

Big Donkeys thinks Ron LeFlore and Chet Lemon and Mickey Rivers were almost as cool as Fidrych.

Big Donkeys would slit his wrists if his team was off to the same start as the Indians.

Big Donkeys thinks the baseball intelligentsia might have been wrong about the Indians this season.

Big Donkeys thinks John Buck is the coolest Mormon on the planet right now.

Big Donkeys is wondering if Gordon and Butler are ever going make something of themselves.

P.S. Big Donkeys is pretty sure Ross Gload batted clean-up for the Marlins yesterday.

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain

We suddenly decided Friday night (after a few beers) that we absolutely had to go to KC and watch the Royals play the Yankees in The New K on Saturday. So Junior and I picked up Mets Fan Rob about noon on Saturday and headed to the city, where we met Jeremy and Motl, who were still recovering from the previous day. The weather was not bad at all. We all went out to the complex and drank lots of beer (Junior drank Dr. Pepper) and watched the Royals lose.

We are in agreement with Jeremy...There's something not right about The New K. People who live in the suburbs and like to eat at Texas Roadhouse and whatnot will love it, of course. If you like high-maintenance blonde girls with fake boobs and California tans, you will probably love The New K. But, if we were Hugh Hefner, we would have an entirely different stable (lots of brunettes who are cynically and deadly smart).

You will never again see a long home run ball come gently to rest on the expansive grass beyond the outfield wall. Your eyes will never be drawn to that ball again three innings later, as it lays there mocking the pitcher in the dugout who actually let another man hit a ball that far. You will never look at the fountains, all alone in their majesty, the same again. And so on. The place has a different soul now, and that soul can be bought and sold.

Not that there's anything wrong with that. The New K is awesome, in the same way that lots of stuff in Vegas is awesome.

Oh well. Big win yesterday. Didn't see that happening.

P.S. We didn't watch Saturday's game very close anyway. The Royals were out of it after the first inning and never got back in.

Today is Opening Day at The New K!

(Jeremy, Motl and Trish)

We received the following text at 9:10 a.m.: Start the jeremy before third inning beer math.

We left the following comment on his Facebook wall (we're starting to get so social with all of this new media): Wear a Snuggie!

OK. We're willing to entertain the notion that Dayton Moore might not be one of the biggest dildos on the planet (Did you SEE the way Davies was pitching yesterday?). But we're still down on Hillman, and we certainly don't look forward to seeing Meatwagon Fartsworth any time soon during a close game.

OK. OK. We're bailing out of work early again in order to drive to Springfield and watch the game on the TV. Hopefully the Fat Aruban will pitch well. But, just in case all of our starters don't pitch like Cy Young, lets hope the bats break out, because there's nothing better than beating the Yankees on Opening Day at The K.

P.S. How down are you with our man, Coco?

Big Donkeys just wants to be your friend

The scary good thing about last night is that Greinke could have been better. We've seen him have better control, but he was unhittable all the same. We kept waiting for him to break off one of those 55 mph curves, but he's become much more of a power pitcher.

OK. Imagine this is Facebook. Here are your Big Donkeys status updates:

Big Donkeys thinks Gavin Floyd was pretty much dealing too.

Big Donkeys is wondering what Carlos Quentin did to piss Grienke off?

Big Donkeys thinks Quentin must have pissed Greinke off at some point last season.

Big Donkeys thinks this Royals-Chisox thing is gonna get bloody this year.

Big Donkeys can't wait for somebody to give A.J. a left hook to the right jaw (and a sucker punch to the testicle region).

Big Donkeys to the rest of the American League: If you Cruz, you lose!

Big Donkeys is just glad that Hillman didn't have to make any real managerial decisions last night.

Big Donkeys thinks Hillman manages scared.

Big Donkeys has to go back to work now.

Farnsworth is a piece of shit

We TOLD you this would happen. Baseball players and baseball managers and general managers are so freakin dumb. Trey Hillman, who spent all that time in Japan, probably couldn't solve even the most basic Sudoku puzzle. Dayton Moore is probably only the fifth smartest guy at a Baptist convention where they're trying to figure out how to redeem all of the gays. Kyle Farnsworth and all of the other players (except Banny) possess the intelligence of your average trash man, though that's probably not kind to trash men (we have experience in the waste management business). Take Billy Beane. He's just slightly smarter than the average trash man. In the world of baseball, that makes Beane a freakin genius.

So we all knew that giving Farnsworth a two-year contract for approximately 85 percent more money than he is worth was a bad idea. And we all knew that bringing Farnsworth in to protect a one-run lead in the eighth inning was a bad idea, and that it was an even worse idea to let him pitch to Thome. (We didn't even listen to the Thome at-bat; we KNEW what was going to happen.) But do you think Hillman will go to Cruz in this situation next time? Seems like that's what somebody with average intelligence would do, so we're not counting on it...

P.S. Most of you already know that Ponson is going to shit the bed on Friday, but, then, you aren't officially affiliated with a Major League Baseball team.

P.P.S. Go Zack!

The day of reckoning has come

OK. So we juggled some things and we are going home from work in time to listen to the game. Or is it on cable TV here in the armpit of the Ozarks? If it's not on TV, we'll have to listen to the White Sox announcers on XM. The White Sox announcers, of course, are some of the most brutal in the American League. But it's kind of fun to listen to their broadcast when the ChiSox are losing to the Royals.

We are going to have to tone down some of our Opening Day rituals, because we have to be productive tomorrow. There will be some cheap scotch involved, but it will have to be mixed with vitamin water. There will also be beer (obviously). And we'll be keeping score according to our patented system that nobody else can figure out.

Prediction: Jose Guillen will be freezing his ass off out there.

Picks to click: Coco Crisp, Mark Teahen and Billy Butler (Butler takes Buehrle deep).

Watch out if: Farnsworth comes in to protect a one-run lead in the eighth.

So this is that painting we posted around this time last year, the same one that some art gallery in New York mistook as being real art. They wanted to see more of our work, but we didn't really have more. This was painted with drugstore water colors on an old piece of packaging cardboard. We gave it to Mets Fan Rob for safe keeping. If it ever gets wet, it will be ruined. Enjoy!

P.S. We call this painting Good Times because it reminds us of something J.J. Walker would have painted.

Zack Greinke is one of THE best things about baseball season

“That wasn’t even that bad of a pitch,” Affeldt barked at himself again.

“Actually,” Zack said, “it was a pretty bad pitch.”

Affeldt looked up at Greinke. “Thanks, Zack,” Affeldt said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

“No,” Zack said, “really, I went back to the clubhouse and looked at the pitch on video. It was a really bad pitch. Right over the middle of the plate, and you got it up. I mean it was a bad pitch.”

“Thanks, Zack,” Affeldt said again.

“Right down the middle. I could have hit it out,” Greinke said.

Affeldt looked into Greinke’s eager face and just shook his head.

“Thanks, Zack,” he said.

“Yeah,” Greinke said, and he walked back to his seat in the dugout.

HERE is Posnanski's Greinke story in full, in case you haven't read it.

Stupid weather

Oh well. The real Opening Day isn't until Friday, anyway. That's when Sidney the Mighty Aruban Eskimo takes the mound against the overmatched Yankees. But that doesn't mean we're not very anxious for the tune-up Opening Day event in Chicago, which will hopefully happen tomorrow...

Warning

We might decide to post a picture of an old painting featuring naked breasts on Monday morning. Regardless, we'll try to do something to commemorate Opening Day.

If we smile, tell us some bad news

Billy Butler, Mark Teahen (again), Alex Gordon, Jose Guillen and Bryan Pena all hit dingers yesterday.

The Royals lead all teams this spring with 54 homers.

Digest that.

Now if we can just get the pitching and defense sorted out.

And Soria got shelled again! There's always something to be very worried about in RoyalsLand, which is probably a good thing for us, because we are VERY neurotic.

P.S. Remember when, this time of the year, you were always saying, "If Sweeney can just stay healthy..."

Glad that Gload is gone

What now? What happens the first time the Royals have a slim lead going into the ninth inning? Does TPJ go in to play SS? Does Aviles slide to second? Does Bloomy come in? Does this mean Teahen slides over to 1B? Or is Shealy going to make the roster?

OK. We feel compelled to address this whole Ponson fiasco. It seems as though the only reason Ponson is going to take up space (and a lot of it) on the roster is because the Royals need a "veteran" to pitch against the Yankees on Opening Day at The K. But why can't they pitch Meche, Davies and Hochevar in Chicago and then throw Greinke on Opening Day in KC? Why! After all, Hochevar is a ground ball pitcher. Let him take the mound in that little park on the South Side. And, if the Royals really are bent on Hochevar getting more grooming in Omaha, why can't they just throw Ponson in the third game in Chicago and save Greinke? It's only a few games difference, and we're pretty sure that Greinke wouldn't be offended. The KC gig is an honor. Why? Why!

We are a little disappointed with the KC media when it comes to covering these things. Does anybody know what happened to Soria the other day? Was his velocity down? Did he just get shelled? This is the type of thing that fragile Royals fans need to know. Also, how is Aviles LOOKING at SS to those who have actually been watching in Arizona? We want to know how he looks in the field, not just what his dubious defensive metrics were last year. We need to be reassured that he can play the position.

That is all for now. (But we're anxious to see how the final roster shakes out.)

P.S. Did you see where the Marlins just flat out released Dallas McPherson?

P.P.S. Would the Royals really grab Sheffield to platoon with Jacobs at DH and maybe play a little OF?

P.P.P.S. Holy crap! Just looked it up...Gary Sheffield is older than ME!

We are starting to get cold feet

We are trying to resist the urge to be too optimistic before the season starts, which isn't difficult, right now, in light of the fact that

the Royals just sent their fourth best starter to Omaha,

it looks like Ponson will start Opening Day at The New K,

it sounds like Gload and Pena are going to make the team as backups for defensive reasons,

and our infield defense is still going to suck eggs no matter what.

Oh well. It also looks like Teahen is going to have the best offensive year in Royals history. So that's something we can believe in today.